Should I be funny? Poignant? Thoughtful and inspiring? Who on earth can I be right now?
Some folks are amazing at what they are doing. Sewing masks, buying and delivering groceries. Presenting online. Adapting. Creating. Supporting and teaching. Donating and sharing.
I am baking, eating, writing, crying, laughing. I connect as much as I hide, and I notice how often I compare myself to others.
I am one of the privileged, who feel safe and not alone, my gratitude makes me feel guilty. Everything I planned for this year has changed, but life has tipped us all upside down, and there is a strange comfort in knowing that I'm not by myself in saying: "now what do I do?" There is something in knowing that globally we are all affected. Though, right now, I am not aware of what to do about that. It's like we all received a failed notice at the living exam and are having to go back to phase one.
Life has given me what we call a new normal a couple of times, and I have often felt worn out by coping with that while life spins regularly around me. Here, everyone is handling a "new normal." Nothing will be the same again, and everything we do now has the unwanted opportunity to develop and plant what we want next - that is if we are lucky.
My heart aches when I think of the things people will lose and have already lost. I feel incredibly sad wondering how people will be able to continue. I cry when I think of those who are lonely and scared, and those that are greedy and taking advantage of others. When I think about the things I have not seen; the hospitals, the fear, the deaths at home as people cannot afford health care. The exhaustion of the ones on the front line, holding the hands or longing to and they can't.
I am truly, truly worried about the future and all I can do is remind myself that my name is not Alice and I must not fall down the rabbit hole of fear. (Though I am allowing myself to eat and drink everything, and it's certainly making me larger!)
All I can do is hope and love, and look for the sunlight, and along with that, ask that others do the same.