Sunday, October 6, 2019

Reminders of Everything

Gary just asked me this week, why I haven't written a blog post for a while.  So, here it is, the post I want to write.
I judge myself with this post because here it is folks, bright and clear with a megaphone - I am struggling with grief to accept that my Mum has gone.

I thought I was an expert at this grief thing, and I knew I would find it hard, but not this hard. Reminders of everything are constant.

Here is my learning from all of this, that loss is cruel, that illness is cruel. It doesn't care who you are or what you have. The last year of my husband's life ripped what I thought was my American family, apart. It chewed my heart into pieces. The last year of my mother's life was basically her suffering from a lack of money to get her an operation she needed. Money!  This is shaming on my soul. I will never forgive myself for not doing enough, in the same way, that I will never forgive myself for agreeing to treatments for David in his final year. The guilt will always be with me.

Now, what's the point of this post?  It is not to ask all of us to be grateful every day, to love our family and friends, to cherish the moments because quite honestly, sometimes we are good at that and sometimes we just aren't, because we are human beings. We are not miraculous saviors. I wonder how many people have drowned trying to walk on water?

The point of this post is to say that part of living is living with this guilt and loss.  Living when it is hard.  I do not feel sorry for myself, what I feel is the loss and the lack of.  The point of this post is to agree that every single one of us is dealing with something and we need to value one another and appreciate our aching hearts that continue to beat. We are made up of many things and all of them are important, not just the pretty feathers, we are also about the guts and claws. Living with my husband's illness gave me patience and death has given me a deeper appreciation and even courage in my life, but it has also created deep anger and sadness, which I must accept is part of me.

So for everyone who rolled their eyes and said here, she goes again, ranting about grief and didn't even read this to the end - shame on you for your lack of compassion and heart.
For everyone who said - I feel the same way, then my heart goes to you and I say please, please be gentle with ourselves. It takes effort to reach toward being OK.

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