Two large bags for the donation center later, I find myself within a pile of black tights and socks.
Take yourself back to the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind". Remember Richard Dreyfuss with his mountain of mashed potato? Well I have that, but with a tangle of socks and tights. So many and yes it is the cliche that none of them match. And yes I think - what does it matter, black is black and no one will notice. Until I remember the number of times I have been behind people at the security airport line and noticed how their socks do not match. No judgment, just observation and the secret, quiet joy that I'm perfect as my socks match, or do not have holes. Perhaps I will get a free upgrade because security will tell the pilot: "good pair of socks coming your way."
Then I play the clothing tennis game of donate versus keep versus burn before admitting I ever wore that. Should I really donate that blouse? I liked it once. Or the beloved attachment to the jeans that looked good for the first twenty years. I own clothing older than my passport and still expect it to look great.
HOWEVER - it is wonderfully liberating to tidy some things. Organize a drawer or two in order to make room for something new. That for once, I realize that I feel a brand new beginning without dread or the pull of guilt in letting go. That I recognize, suddenly, that me diving into the Narnia wardrobe mission is actually me making new room.
This is an important anniversary week for me. One that is full of love. My sadness is easing and being replaced with a deep respect and understanding of what we must experience if we are bold enough to truly live.
A happiness I once had and lost is also one that has allowed me to grow and smile again. How could I ever deny myself that experience when it flows through me so vibrantly to connect me to so very much?
I want to tell everyone that it is OK to continue to love. In fact, it is healthier. That the only thing I truly feel proud of is how hard I loved even when I knew it was all fading away. Perhaps that is my purpose, my gift, and now I live and smile to share that.
The important stuff is not hanging in our wardrobes. It is not what we wear or own. It is also not in our photographs, stories or memories.
It is not in what we leave behind - it is how we are standing right here, right now. What we dare to reach out toward and embrace. What we see as we look into another pair of eyes, and more importantly, what we see as we look into our own reflection.
It is within the moment in front of us. The now, the here, where everything lives. Where you find your courage, your answers, your needs. Pay attention. It's right there. It expands, wow, does it expand. Some things are not about struggle or endurance. Our brain tricks us to believe differently, but the truth is far beyond limitations or endings.
It is all eternal and it's magnificent, joyous and simply waiting for us to notice. Here is where you will find your authentic voice, the one that says no and the one that says yes.
It is a simple choice to understand that this is the time for the wonder and pure privilege of breathing and making room for more.
With love to David and all he taught me xxxxxxxxx
January 9th 1954 to July 20th 2012