Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Losing the Yes, but..............

This is a difficult post to write because it's a tender one. And a happy one.
Anyone who has suffered a significant loss, will understand the complication of saying you are happy.

I have had six birthdays now as a widow. All of them were made special by dearest friends. Extremely special. Plans that were simple or extravagant, always very personal, all involving cake and all arranged with love.

This year was a first. A very, big, slightly overwhelming, tender, fragile, amazing first for me.

This year was the first year that I could say, I felt happy without there being a part inside of me that screamed Yes But.............
Because as someone who has lost someone close, you appreciate everything so much more and find yourself saying that you are happy, while there is part of you yearning and holding such a deep rooted sadness. I had accepted that part of me would always be sad. I never expected it to go.
I would read messages saying "Have an Amazing day" and think yes, but truthfully, there is only one thing now that would amaze me and that's David coming back.

I was wrong.

This was my amazing day - that this year, I did not have the "Yes, but ............."
And I was shocked. Slightly nervous.
In fact I waited for something to happen to shake me into a realization.
Then the guilt arrived and the questions of did this mean I was forgetting? How could I ever forget such an incredible part of my life, of my heart?

It hit me - no - it isn't forgetting. It doesn't require guilt. Quite the opposite.
It is a powerful turning point in my life, where I can say I loved tremendously and life happened to change the physicality of what I had and now life has also presented me with the choice to live fully, with all the knowledge and experience I have and even more.

It is a step allowing myself the gift of laughter, of joy and love, yes love again in my life. To trust again.
The gift where I have said to myself that I love and respect myself and I'm ready to share that part of me with the world. Because of everything I have been through, absolutely everything, I deserve to be genuinely happy.

This may seem like a simple step for anyone who has not lost a partner.
For me though, it felt like stepping off a cliff with a bungee rope tied to my thumb, no, a bungee rope held with my little finger.
To admit to everyone and mostly myself that I am a loving woman living right now who is excited to be alive. To be busy. To have a voice. To share my words. To be growing and to be finding new opportunities.
To have found another hand to take and turn to and make plans with. Thank you Gary.
To say I love you and to welcome it in return.

I never thought this moment would arrive and here it is. I'm in it, fully present and fully functioning.
Nobody is judging me or punishing me for being happy, far from it and, most importantly, I haven't lost anything, I have gained even more.

I always said there is no getting over or moving on - and I'm right.
It's bigger than that, it's a deeper acceptance that occurs. A stronger bond and connection that is so powerful that it embraces everything you desire, want and need.

So please, please, with all my heart - those dear tender people out there who are feeling their loss and the pain, keep turning that love back to you and keep the energy flowing, for it does grow into something else that you cannot understand or imagine yet. That you dare not believe yet.

I promise the "yes but,......." can blossom into a YES THANK YOU.

Always with love xxxx






1 comment:

  1. Hi Jayne, Just read one of your blogs and was moved by your words. I was married 61 years. Happy and fortunate to have been able to take care of my Carol for 50 of those years. She was ill, not cancer, nothing traumatic, just a body that broke down, healed, broke down again. So many trips to the Emergency Wards we lost count. Over 40 serious surgeries. She had great Surgeons, Doctors, nurses etc.
    I was so angry "after" she passed away. All her children with her with her grand daughter by her side. We were all so glad for now she had - no - more - pain! I'm still in excruciating pain. I do cry. Often! Just miss her so much! Crying now! I was glad to see you found love again. I am so happy for you as I am a good friend of Gary for many years.
    Me? I really wonder if I will ever know any form of happiness again. If it were not for my son and my two daughters and my grand children I would end it in a heartbeat. Ending it would be so easy! But - I can NOT do that to those I love, so I will accept all the pain of this loss and stick around to "bug" the hell out of everyone I love!
    We have met, talked and I am happy for you and Gary to have found each other.
    Your blog did help me - heck - it got me to sit down and write this to and for you. I'm 85 years old - going on 12. Have Gary play the video of his Dad, George as he with his quartet sang a bass solo called "The Johnny Appleseed Song". It is special. I wonder if Gary would ever be able to sing it! Gary and his quartet came to sing for Carol in her last years. That was so special for her. (and me) Enough memory stuff for now. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
    Bye for now - much love - Rod

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