Summer has started well and here we are looking at July 4th already. A day to celebrate - even though I'm British and a little afraid of fireworks!
I wanted this year to be one where I could breath again and really look at healing. I'm doing just that, and funnily enough, some of it is a lot of hard work.
I have emotional difficulty in going to supermarkets, they feel like I'm gate crashing a party I wasn't invited to. They contain foods that I do not buy any more and package sizes that are not relevant for one. Aisles of memories, it's weird.
This evening, as I raced up the cereal aisle, a new idea tapped me on the shoulder.
All the things that I am missing, means that they meant a great deal to me. They equal a time of love and sharing. They make me feel blessed and happy that I experienced them. So why do I have to live without them? I don't have to. It will not be the same. It can't be and it doesn't have to be. What's so wrong with new and different?
So, one day in the future, I will be in the supermarket buying ingredients again to make a special meal to share with my step children and their families. I will have a nice dining room again where we can sit and talk and laugh.
One day I will be buying interesting foods to prepare a romantic meal. I like doing that! One day I will run in quickly after receiving a phone call saying "we've run out of eggs." As I get the eggs I will also grab a chocolate bar, because I know it's their favorite.
I love those things and I miss those things. So in a way, I am in a privileged position to recognize how important they are.
Every day I work hard to listen and approach my life, without holding onto a very old tape recording in my head that tells me that it's all over. It's not, and though sometimes that scares me, I am welcoming in hope and joy, that are clearly better friends to me than cynicism and fear.
Indeed it is pretty funny that I needed to check the spelling of cynicism, when it has ruled a huge part of me for most of my life. Therefore, if I can't pronounce it correctly or spell it - I can choose to let that word go!
Make best friends with yourself. Change the voices in your head, to come from a place of love.
When fear arrives, allow it some attention and then embrace it with peace, and see what happens.
Perhaps we make all of this a lot harder than it needs to be. Nobody told us to live wearing a blindfold. Nobody told us to create bigger stories around our experiences, which can be hard enough, let alone the added fabrication.
Take the blindfold off, stroll down the aisles that you want and soon your trolley could be full of really wonderful stuff.
Happy July everyone xxx