Showing posts from 2015

What is Love?

It’s amazing how I still wake up, and I find myself thinking – he’s not here and he is not coming back. How can that be my waking thought? Yet it is. Then I accept it and reluctantly get on with the day, while the memories of his illness follow me. They pick on me like tormenting children, with knives.
This morning I am full of the experience when I had to visit nursing homes to decide where he would go. I disliked the patronizing faces, the smell of urine, the coldness of the walls, even though they were decorated with cheap fake paintings of flowers and boats lit by a sunset. “And on Thursdays we play Bingo,” they would say. “In the summer, we sit on the patio.”
I hated it, every second. I should be choosing shirts, vacations, books for my husband, not a nursing home. He was fifty seven. Alzheimer’s disease had made him ageless, in a bad way. He had become Peter Pan’s grandfather. The boy, who couldn’t grow up, had grown up, and forgotten everything in five, very hard years.
I kept expe…

The Inspiring Dr. Dante Vena

Today we say good bye to my very dear friend Dr.Dante Vena.

Here is what Dante always gave me - the belief that we can all be creative and share in our joy of what we like to do. When we talked about writing he would say to me: "Just do it!" with his eyes flashing and that wide wonderful grin.

He and his amazing wife, Kathy, have been incredible friends to me. They have become family. I am so fortunate to have many memories that our adventures have provided. The dinners, breakfasts, cups of coffee, visits to his amazing art studio and the three of us, this year, sitting giggling in the back of a movie theater during a serious movie!!!

One of the very hardest things to do is to hold hands and then let go.

I send my love and respect to Kathy, her beautiful children and grand daughter. It is an honor to be with you and to know that I am a different person because of the gifts that Dante shared. He will always continue to inspire us.

With very much love and gratitude. And so it …

Three Years - with love

Today is a date I wish to recognize with peace and love.

I realize that a life is made up from a collection of things. Some of those are simply fantastic while others are challenging. Either way they provide opportunities for growth, which in hand delivers the time to learn and change.
I have changed tremendously. My life now is opening up for brand new experiences, which I embrace, rather than feeling the loss and fear. No matter how hard I cried, nothing could change what happened - I can however change what I do next. Life is about what we have, not what we had.

Today is about saying thank you. Thank you to a dearest friend who invited me for dinner tonight about a month ago, because she simply knew how I would feel.
Thank you to a brand new friend who gave me flowers and a drawing of the Seven Dwarves with one of them as George Clooney!
It's about fantastic theater tickets and cell phone calls full of laughter, questions and love. It's about sitting on a deck until midnigh…

Supermarket Aisles

Summer has started well and here we are looking at July 4th already. A day to celebrate - even though I'm British and a little afraid of fireworks!

I wanted this year to be one where I could breath again and really look at healing. I'm doing just that, and funnily enough, some of it is a lot of hard work.

I have emotional difficulty in going to supermarkets, they feel like I'm gate crashing a party I wasn't invited to. They contain foods that I do not buy any more and package sizes that are not relevant for one. Aisles of memories, it's weird.

This evening, as I raced up the cereal aisle, a new idea tapped me on the shoulder.
All the things that I am missing, means that they meant a great deal to me. They equal a time of love and sharing. They make me feel blessed and happy that I experienced them. So why do I have to live without them? I don't have to. It will not be the same. It can't be and it doesn't have to be. What's so wrong with new and diff…

My Triple Crown

And they're off....

"Happiness" takes the immediate lead, with "Love" as a close second.
"Love" is making strides and actually kisses "Happiness" as they pass around the first quarter.
"Doubt" is beginning to make a stride as "Love" goes boldly into first place.
Just around the corner, and coming from the back, is "Fear."
"Fear" is suddenly hungry to lead.
"Love" loses a moment as its jockey actually looks behind.
"Memory" is now closing in on "Fear" as suddenly we see "Who Do You Think You are" and the old favorite "You Deserve Very Little."
But "Happiness" seems to find its stride again while we see "Love" taking a leap and moving into first place again. Now really taking the lead "Love" goes all the way.

Yes, can she do it again, making history...Yes "Love" passes by that finishing post while the crowd goes wi…

Stop Wasting Time and The Privilege in Communication

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. For some reason I wanted to blog something. Not being able to find the right words, I found myself directed to a post I wrote in May 2011.
Please excuse my indulgence in re posting - I just find this to be a good lesson for all relationships and how much I wish I knew then - even though it was staring at me!

My husband now has difficulty in communicating. He has described to me, the frustration of seeing a word and then it fades, quickly and he is left with a hollow feeling, that he needs something, yet has no idea of what.
Sometimes he tells me a story, and I truly have no idea of what he is saying. Sometimes he tells me something perfectly and I check to see if my David is back. We find ways of communicating, and just when I get the hang of it, I need to change tactic again, as I realize something else is proving too foreign for him.
I see my David as though he is falling far away into the depths of a hole, like Alice. I'm peering down …

April's Whether the Weather Report

There are pivotal moments in your life, some you create, some arrive with invitation and some you suddenly find yourself swimming boldly away from or toward. It all changes in a single drop of rain, or an unexpected warmth from the sun.

Alzheimers taught me the power of being present. Becoming a widow is guiding me to take stock and heal. Am I heartless to say that I am looking at those experiences as being gifts?

Sometimes I have said that I have no choice.
We do, however, have a choice, and I could remain within the shadow of everything, or simply not.
I certainly have done my bit of hiding, and I know I was not the only one to use the snow storms as a fine reason. I wonder if reason is merely an excuse wearing a serious costume?
I would rather walk into the sunlight, look around and share. Share my words, my sun lotion, thoughts and laughter. Share the fact that I am loving, funny, short and courageous, (My height looks up to my courage by the way.)

Life continues no matter what, a…

Very Happy Valentines.......AND

Previously on Jayne Hannah - years and years and countries ago...............

The day before Valentines Day was once a first date for me. I was three hours late due to a job gone long, terrible traffic and pure fear.
My date was still waiting for me in the pub in London.
I ended up staying with him for the whole weekend (hey - don't judge me) and he woke me up on valentines day with a confetti of hearts he cut out of paper. It was incredibly romantic, fun and honest.
(I discovered much later that he was an alcoholic, so I guess, it was pretty easy for him to stay in a bar for hours. That however, is not the point of this story!!!)

What more can you wish for on Valentines Day than fun and romance? It's joy!

Have fun today. If you have someone you love and they you - then show them, magnificently and with abandon.
If you have someone you think you love - tell them.
If you don't, and regardless of looking or wanting - just reach out and smile and show your heart.
Say I Love …

Candy Crush and My Stars

Today, 2nd February 2015, my stars read:

Today is perfect for parties, networking events and all other forms of socializing. Your great energy is helping you to make good impressions and to have a great time while you’re at it!

Its funny that my stars are not aware of the snow storm happening outside! You might have thought that astrology would know about the weather. I'm not sure how socializing that much today is possible. 
What with the weather and indeed my recent Howard Hughes impression, there isn't a lot of networking going on. UNTIL we connected. It was sudden, unexpected and passionate. For a guilty hour this morning I found it - Candy Crush. What perfect joy. Two of my favorite things - distraction and tasty treats. Could this possibly be my new bridge to getting from a snowy February day to the beauty of Spring? 

I know its been around and I'm late to the party, and I'm sorry to burst your delicious wrappers however:
that is a manipulative, red flag relationship …

The Blizzard Binge

The blizzard of 2015 in Rhode Island equals two things for me.

1) The most snow I have ever experienced. Congratulations to National Grid - I was amazed and truly grateful not to lose power.
2) It has inspired, what I will publicly name:  The Blizzard Binge of 2015.

Like many fellow worshipers, I found myself at Shaws on the Monday morning. It was packed and yet eerily quiet. People dressed as Eskimos kept their heads fixed downward in full concentration mode as they turned down the aisles to purchase whatever was left. I had to fight this tremendous urge not to scream "We're all going to die!"

I am not a supermarket fan, so granted I had not been in a while, yet even I gasped when at the check out I was told to hand over one hundred and twenty one dollars. AND that was just for me. I had already purchased a years worth of food for Max The Cat.

For some reason I had decided that my last feast would be that of a wealthy person. I bought steak, chicken, fancy cookies which…


I posted Davids photograph yesterday to honor his birthday. Thank you for everyone liking it and sharing fine comments. Yes, he was quite the man and it was certainly an adventure to be his side kick for a very quick twelve years.
I was in two minds about posting it, as I judge myself imagining people to roll their eyes and think "she should be over it by now."
Here's the thing though, you don't, there is no "over it now.". Yes, it changes. Some moments I smile and laugh, consider a future, and some times the harshness of grief punches and slaps. It is true, that it is about trying to live when you simply don't want to. 
Last year, I was forcing myself to "get over it." Now, I'm taking a step forward as I slow down to embrace everything that fills my soul. Everything that inspires me, softens me, shapes and guides through slow easy breathing - not grasping and barking. I have never been that person. Money and power of identity has always b…