I thought I would better at this. Not over it in anyway, just better. More eloquent. Clear. Funny. Powerful. When you hold the hand that you love while its heart has stopped beating, and your love continues to flow, you feel you know everything.
Yet here I am, alone and wondering how on earth I got through today. This murky, cold day in my soul that tempted me to jump, disappear, sink. My head on the pillow rarely wants to lift and today the only reason I did was to cry even more.
I have to do this. I have no choice. Recently, through bereavement counseling, I have wanted to open my eyes to a new life. Fear jumped up and covered me today. The lack of trust replaced with doubt, that has always been my weakness, played and laughed at me. It's such hard work.
I have seen the beauty and pure peace of a beach recently. I have had the honor of seeing my words performed recently. I have had my hand held recently and drunk champagne to share mutual achievements. I want that and so much more. Could there be so much more?
The amazing and yet weary journey of widowhood has me creeping along paths I didn't want to see, and yet, as I already said, here I am. And why would I describe it as amazing? Because of the extremes that emotions will travel to. The strength, the simplicity, the pain, the bewilderment, the hope, the passion that screams life is too short and let's not waste any time. The desire to move further from the memory and yet closer to the warmth of memory.
There is a light, like waiting at a dock to watch a boat arrive. I prefer those days to this.