Sunday, May 11, 2014

Ego versus Heart

I seem to blog less and less these days. My ego always screams that I must write something that matters.

Tomorrow the 12th would have been my 12th wedding anniversary. I've spent today wondering how I should/would/could pay respect to that. Nice words. Brave words. Write a poem. Post photos. Say I love you. All of that is true as well as the fact that this hurts like hell.

I spend the days surviving, not living and that's the truth. I got through today and I will get through tomorrow and blah blah blah.
I mattered for awhile, or at least I thought I did, and that was switched off as simply as someone just put their rubbish out.
I will tell you, with my blue honest eyes, that love is all that matters.
And now, with only the smallest percent of that in my life, I will shout it out more.

I never imagined that I would need to beg to spend time with someone. That I would stoop so low as to accept crap, just to avoid loneliness, disrespect and loss. That short word is so burdened and heavy like unwanted mud.
I focus on the light. On the friends that matter. On trying to find new things to impress myself with.
I am so lost in my little boat and it's exhausting pretending and trying. Take it hour by hour, storm by storm, foolishly or wisely knowing that there are calm seas ahead.

So its not the ego that writes this, it is the heart. I gave everything and tonight I am not sure what the reward is of doing that.