Sunday, April 6, 2014

Profile of a widow

Please do not ask me why - I have recently been exploring what people do in this world of so called romance and chatting one another up!!! And here is what I have found:

That one of the surprisingly annoying things about widowhood, is the feeling that grows inside of you, that is a super power strength. It is a volcanic layer created from velvet that is wrapped around your heart, guts and soul. It tricked me into believing that I can do absolutely anything because, to hold my husbands hand through to his last breath, was truly the most loving and painful experience of my life.
You cannot, however add this to your resume or profile!

To whisper I let you go into peace is one of the greatest achievements there is. Surely? Apart from of course, being able to give birth, and that for me, was never to be in my life.

I had a Hallmark image once, that I could be that hard working, glamorous widow, who stayed alone and was always strong. Had great hair and went on solo vacations to Hawaii. I actually thought I would write that book, get that slim and sit in a chair on a beach and feel Davids hand in mine. Why don't you do that, I can hear people say.
Because, in truth, widowhood is lonely, painful, empty, snot, tears, bills that worry you, spinning hands on clock faces that go too fast or too slow. Its words that you don't understand, fake faces of concern and confusion (and that includes your own reflection). Money that you spent on healthcare, that you now stupidly resent. Directions that need repeating. Don't talk to me. Please talk to me.

I have this arrogance now, that will either be my downfall or my savior. I know the true depth of my love and it hurts me terribly when I know that other people will never respect that about me or wish to get to know that part of me. It disappoints me when people (me included) waste time and energy on pettiness, on fear, on ego. I could be a crown full of diamonds from what my life has taught me. So why should I hide that?
Is it wrong that I want some return on all that I have given?

Please don't instruct me on how to open your car door. Either get the stupid thing fixed OR here's a novel idea - open it for me!!!!
Please ask questions that you care to hear the answers to. Please know that I have a courage that is equal to jumping out of planes, or standing on jet skis or going fast in a Porsche. You have a Porsche, you're meant to go fast. That's not bravery that's just mechanics. I'm glad you have seen sunsets in St.Thomas and can ride through deserts on camels and know Superman personally. How about buying a bunch of flowers from a supermarket? Ever done that?

I had the power of love to hold on tight, no matter what, and then to stand strong and alone, at a head stone.
I now deserve honesty and a heart that is brave enough to show emotion.
If I can still see the wonder of a stunning sunrise then I deserve a soul that would/could/should do that too, beside me, not a thousand miles away from me.

Instead though I simply say: warm, caring and happy to smile.