Thursday, February 13, 2014

And then.......

I wrote this morning about wanting to face the world again and live. Despite my fear, my pain, my lazy hideaway, experience, age, swollen ankles - whatever, all the things that make me want to hide.
It is so easy to speak the brave words when you are in a positive mood.
The challenge is when things do not work out in your favor. How do you keep going then?

For awhile I have been battling to get out from my gloomy rock. I made a very bold decision and booked a long weekend away to one of my favorite places. My dear, glorious AZ. I need a break. To breath. I love it there.
Anyway of course the storm hits and today, twenty hours before my flight, everything is cancelled.

The little girl, the widow, the bitter brat all come out to play and I literally sit and cry.
I am completely fed up with it all being so difficult. AND of course I know this is nothing compared to what someone else faced today. It is nothing compared to what I myself have faced - yet I still gotta say - can we just make things a little easier?

So there it is, my public stomp of the foot as I say "its not fair!" I am trying to face you. Can I get a break?


February - Transform - Weather

I have not written for ages and have had so much to say. From remarkable simple stuff to the plain awful.
What can I say - losing someone is not for the weak and yet we have no choice. It is not something we enter our credit card digits for.
Now I'm facing one of the hardest parts, because I realize I must, must get on. I do not want to say move on, that feels too harsh. David is not going to come back. My love could not make him better, so it cannot bring him back. As amazing as he was sometimes, he is not going to come out of a cave and have a holiday named after him.
The depths of what I have felt recently took me to a new sadness - and it's not the same as depression - and it was not because of the weather. Please know, if you have someone close to you going through grief, it is never the weather that is making them cry.

So, now I am finding my fight and courage to transform. If I have lived through this, I want to live with the opposite. I want to see how far my joy can reach. I want to discover "WHAT ON EARTH IS NEXT".
I want to wake up and smile. I want to find my passion again. My purpose again. Find things I don't even know about.

February has historically been an interesting month for me. I have quite often met people during this month who became significant to me for various reasons. I had changed my life once before in February 1999.
I emigrated to the USA in February 2001.  So, it is time to do that again - and this time it feels the hardest, because part of me is not interested, part of me has the excuse of "too old" and part of me questions "why bother".
Pushing all of that aside and knowing how scared I am - I am ready (I think) YES I am. I cannot jump off a cliff, so I may as well learn how to fly.