Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Yes please - widow small steps

Today, I felt I was working in a washing machine when all I needed was a sink! That pretty much sums it up.
It's simple, I am a gentle woman with a huge heart that has never trusted anything, and can smile while I cry. All I wanted was to be happy. I still do. Following a few months of severe sadness, I finally lift my head up, just this week, and say yes please.

Yes please to fresh opportunities that are about respect - not about being used.
Yes to please to inventive, creative ideas. Yes to desire to breath, to walk, to care enough to put myself first.
Yes please to love. To friendship. To a thoughtful how are you. To a hand in mine that wants to be there.
Yes please to shared laughter. To experiences. To shared wonders. To new places, OH YES PLEASE to new places. Yes to a break, to relax, to sleep. To feel warmth, everywhere.
Yes please to healing. Yes please to letting go of the pain. The bitterness. The sheer weight of grief.

Somebody recently told me that they are surprised that I am not risking more because I have nothing.
The truth of "I have nothing" is like a truck slowly going forward and reversing over my toes and doing that for twenty four hours. I didn't choose that. Death took it and then people pushed me to a cliff.
I have nothing. It is a risk every time I open my front door. So yes please, to security. To trust. To wisdom.
To feeling that perhaps, somebody is interested enough to ask what do I need - instead of what they need.
For ease, for grace, for simplicity, for joy.
I sit and wonder, when will the spinning stop so that I can see my new view?

Yes please to seeing a new view.

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