Showing posts from 2014

Three Pieces of Love

In my need/desire to downsize and simplify, I have moved home again.
It was odd to be packing boxes so soon again and to be faced with the challenge of taking belongings to a donation center. I finally gave away Davids favorite jacket.

On the moving day, the three piece couch could not fit up the winding, narrow stairway. It was just not interested in joining me in the new home. As discussions of hoisting it up and through the front window were taking place, I was remembering back, just a few years to when David and I chose that furniture. We had countless visits, taking far too long, walking around the show room. Sadly because the Alzheimer's was pretty apparent, and David was seeing every piece of furniture for the first time - despite walking around at least ten times on several occasions.

It was an expensive piece, but he loved it, and I loved that he loved it and all I wanted to do was to make him happy. So with a payment plan in place I bought it.

Weeks later when it arrived…


This weekend all I wanted to do was stay at home, indulge in the Hallmark Channel and
wallow in Oreos and loneliness. Pathetic, and I knew it.

However, here is what happened: I met a new important child in my life and held him in my arms as we celebrated his twelve hour birthday. Welcome to your life, and ours, Mister Jack Alton DuPont - the first child to my dear friends Shannon and Kevin DuPont. Many congratulations!

Then I had dinner with my amazing friend, Kathy Vena, who is in full care giving mode for her husband Dante, as they face Alzheimer's full in the face and heart. She is courage, beauty, fear, love and humor.

Then today I had the honor of attending a tribute for the World War II Foundation in Boston.

I met an incredible man who fought in Iwo Jima. He told me that this is heaven as he has seen hell. That you never take a glass of water for granted - he went without water for three days.
Three days! He has wondered what his purpose has been, as …

The Rain on a Thursday

Tonight I listen to the rain and know that I love that sound.
That I am Fortunate enough to be comfortable and warm inside.
Old enough to read until whenever I choose to switch the light.
Healthy enough to sit without pain or confusion.
Wealthy enough to surround myself with a pretty room.
Loving enough to know that those I hold close are safe.
Hopeful enough to know that my thoughts are received in distant hearts.
Joyous enough to smile as I say yes please to an invitation.
Wise enough to know that the rain is a gift
As it all is and may be treated as such
If we stop and listen for awhile.
And tonight I listen to the rain.

Junk and Mojo

You know how we have a junk folder on our computers? Wouldn't it be a good idea to have one in our minds/hearts/souls?

Today my computer had Cruise Deals, Costco Coupons, How to get a Russian Bride (not that I have ever felt like getting a Russian bride) Solar Panels Deals and of course ED treatments, with the sub title of Getting My Mojo back. Well, yes I agree I do have an ED issue because there is nothing around to do the E part let alone the D part - and if I could solve that, then yes I think I would get my Mojo back.

Then my real junk folder was hit with the traditional not good enough, too fat, tired and not clever and here's a new one - The Too Old University.

So, just like we do with computers; I'm throwing all that crap into the junk folder and embracing the fact that I can get my Mojo back by focusing on what is good about me.

You ready ?

I'm courageous, I'm loyal, I'm funny, I'm caring, I'm gentle, I'm loving AND
I have a beau…

Saturday Night Horoscope

When I first started this blog in 2009, my initial idea was inspired from reading my stars, and then commenting on them, because they always had a habit of being ridiculous or ridiculously appropriate.
My friend Jen, was part of that genius and I wanted to celebrate her by returning to an astrology blog. So, I decided I would do it tonight and I begun by checking out my horoscope.
 First let me set the scene - it is Saturday evening following a tearful week, I'm alone, sitting on my balcony, two three glasses of red wine down plus I have absorbed a bar of chocolate called Intense Dark Chocolate Orange. Every good female and sensitive male will recognize this as an evening of wallowing in sadness, loneliness and sheer can't be botheredness.
 Earlier I had shaved my legs, flossed my teeth (hate it!!) and deep conditioned my hair in something called Henna Placenta. Really? How on earth can henna have a placenta? Despite sounding biological, my hair looks quite nice. I can imagine m…

Right Now

And in my quiet
All that I can do is miss you.
All that is left is missing you.
What else can I do?
I loved with such hope,
With such boldness.
I held your hands,
Looked into your eyes that didn't know me,
Told you I would always love you
And I do.

Yet the fastness of this loss swallows me.
And, it now swirls with another.
I step out with such timid longing
That nobody cares to hear,
Again, just to feel loss.
I focus on a blue, pale petal smiling
The sunlight on the curtain
My cup of tea becoming cold.
Is this truly my purpose
To love where it isn't wanted?

I see our colorful blanket being pulled away from you
And in that callous uncaring moment
Everything I had, we had, was pulled away.
And now?
I lean my face toward the sun
Begging to feel warmth for longer than one day.
No more loss.
My hands are already too full.

Celebrate Jen and Tim

Today we celebrate my dear friend Jen's wedding to her lovely man Tim.
It is a pure delight and honor to be part of their day, thank you. A day that I know will be unique and as special as they both are.

Jen was there for me and David, with heart, compassion, laughter and care. (He would/is so thrilled that love took your breath away.) She was there to bring me my first cup of tea on July 21st and always there by my side for that first week when I felt like I was thrown into a sea of nothingness.
She was the one to convince Max The Cat that he had to move! The one who said "she meant your feet Jayne" and the one who made David smile. For all those things and our shared interest in cake, I know I have a dear, dear friend, whom I am so excited to see become a married lady this Saturday.

Now its time to focus on the fun that love and marriage can bring. That holding another persons hand, is a privilege and how saying I Love You can make the sun shine even brighter. I am so …

Amazing Journey

I thought I would better at this. Not over it in anyway, just better. More eloquent. Clear. Funny. Powerful. When you hold the hand that you love while its heart has stopped beating, and your love continues to flow, you feel you know everything.

Yet here I am, alone and wondering how on earth I got through today. This murky, cold day in my soul that tempted me to jump, disappear, sink. My head on the pillow rarely wants to lift and today the only reason I did was to cry even more.

I have to do this. I have no choice. Recently, through bereavement counseling, I have wanted to open my eyes to a new life. Fear jumped up and covered me today. The lack of trust replaced with doubt, that has always been my weakness, played and laughed at me. It's such hard work.

I have seen the beauty and pure peace of a beach recently. I have had the honor of seeing my words performed recently. I have had my hand held recently and drunk champagne to share mutual achievements. I want that and so much mo…

Yes please - widow small steps

Today, I felt I was working in a washing machine when all I needed was a sink! That pretty much sums it up.
It's simple, I am a gentle woman with a huge heart that has never trusted anything, and can smile while I cry. All I wanted was to be happy. I still do. Following a few months of severe sadness, I finally lift my head up, just this week, and say yes please.

Yes please to fresh opportunities that are about respect - not about being used.
Yes to please to inventive, creative ideas. Yes to desire to breath, to walk, to care enough to put myself first.
Yes please to love. To friendship. To a thoughtful how are you. To a hand in mine that wants to be there.
Yes please to shared laughter. To experiences. To shared wonders. To new places, OH YES PLEASE to new places. Yes to a break, to relax, to sleep. To feel warmth, everywhere.
Yes please to healing. Yes please to letting go of the pain. The bitterness. The sheer weight of grief.

Somebody recently told me that they are surprised…

Ego versus Heart

I seem to blog less and less these days. My ego always screams that I must write something that matters.

Tomorrow the 12th would have been my 12th wedding anniversary. I've spent today wondering how I should/would/could pay respect to that. Nice words. Brave words. Write a poem. Post photos. Say I love you. All of that is true as well as the fact that this hurts like hell.

I spend the days surviving, not living and that's the truth. I got through today and I will get through tomorrow and blah blah blah.
I mattered for awhile, or at least I thought I did, and that was switched off as simply as someone just put their rubbish out.
I will tell you, with my blue honest eyes, that love is all that matters.
And now, with only the smallest percent of that in my life, I will shout it out more.

I never imagined that I would need to beg to spend time with someone. That I would stoop so low as to accept crap, just to avoid loneliness, disrespect and loss. That short word is so burdened an…

Profile of a widow

Please do not ask me why - I have recently been exploring what people do in this world of so called romance and chatting one another up!!! And here is what I have found:

That one of the surprisingly annoying things about widowhood, is the feeling that grows inside of you, that is a super power strength. It is a volcanic layer created from velvet that is wrapped around your heart, guts and soul. It tricked me into believing that I can do absolutely anything because, to hold my husbands hand through to his last breath, was truly the most loving and painful experience of my life.
You cannot, however add this to your resume or profile!

To whisper I let you go into peace is one of the greatest achievements there is. Surely? Apart from of course, being able to give birth, and that for me, was never to be in my life.

I had a Hallmark image once, that I could be that hard working, glamorous widow, who stayed alone and was always strong. Had great hair and went on solo vacations to Hawaii. I a…

Mums Birthday

Happy Birthday Mum!

My Mum has every strength that I do not. She's been a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend.
She's funny, intelligent, quiet, shy, warm, patient, welcoming, makes great tea. Is understanding, careful, polite, cheats at games and rarely sleeps.

Mum, You have been with me through so many chapters, both good, questionable, slim, fat, challenging and down right awful. You have seen me as a blond, red head, dark hair, natural and once with a purple stripe. You have seen me as an actress, a writer, an event planner, a Christmas elf, a receptionist, a bride, a widow and a little girl saying "well at least he had the best part of the sandwich!" AND as an adult, laughing so much that we had tears at our photo joke about..."sandwiches". I see we have a thing about food!

You have always said yes and You have never judged me. You let me go, You let me arrive.

How many Mums are able to understand that their daughter cannot speak to …

Next Stop

I had the oddest experience just now. Being full of a cold, I accidentally dozed off on the sofa for perhaps thirty minutes. I woke up with no idea of where I was, all I felt was that I was missing something. Something very important. I sat up, looking around and truly couldn't figure anything out.
Then I found myself wanting to reach out to someone, and I could not make any connections as to who that would be. I was frozen in that moment and watched myself being alone.
Now, sitting here, looking at the cat, I realized enough is enough. I am too young to be at the "giving up point" in my life, and what's more I don't want that. In fact that was my first clear thought - I'm too young for this.

It is so challenging, because the more I do, takes me further away from what I came here for. My old life however is all over, and nothing I can do will bring it back. Part of me fights to remain in my grief, as that is all I have left from my previous ten years. Could …

And then.......

I wrote this morning about wanting to face the world again and live. Despite my fear, my pain, my lazy hideaway, experience, age, swollen ankles - whatever, all the things that make me want to hide.
It is so easy to speak the brave words when you are in a positive mood.
The challenge is when things do not work out in your favor. How do you keep going then?

For awhile I have been battling to get out from my gloomy rock. I made a very bold decision and booked a long weekend away to one of my favorite places. My dear, glorious AZ. I need a break. To breath. I love it there.
Anyway of course the storm hits and today, twenty hours before my flight, everything is cancelled.

The little girl, the widow, the bitter brat all come out to play and I literally sit and cry.
I am completely fed up with it all being so difficult. AND of course I know this is nothing compared to what someone else faced today. It is nothing compared to what I myself have faced - yet I still gotta say - can we just make…

February - Transform - Weather

I have not written for ages and have had so much to say. From remarkable simple stuff to the plain awful.
What can I say - losing someone is not for the weak and yet we have no choice. It is not something we enter our credit card digits for.
Now I'm facing one of the hardest parts, because I realize I must, must get on. I do not want to say move on, that feels too harsh. David is not going to come back. My love could not make him better, so it cannot bring him back. As amazing as he was sometimes, he is not going to come out of a cave and have a holiday named after him.
The depths of what I have felt recently took me to a new sadness - and it's not the same as depression - and it was not because of the weather. Please know, if you have someone close to you going through grief, it is never the weather that is making them cry.

So, now I am finding my fight and courage to transform. If I have lived through this, I want to live with the opposite. I want to see how far my joy can r…