Friday, December 20, 2013

December 20

One year and five months. Today. December 20th. That's all its been.
So I'm giving myself a break from my own judgement about how I am doing. I am against feeling or acting like a victim, though I have to admit with embarrassment, that sometimes I feel I deserve niceness just because I am a widow. I cringe as I type that!
I work so hard in a way that I never knew existed. The strong performance I put up to some people. My quiet and sad honesty with others. On occasion, the comfort I reach out for and beautifully find.
My times when I want to do more than hide and the times when I want to race and succeed
with this living business. Sometimes, (all the time actually) I am in public places with a constant voice in my head saying Oh my God Oh my God, I'm going to cry. I truly am taking it moment by moment. You just have to. Anything feels like a mild success because I get through the day.
I wanted to post today, to say how much I miss loving David and how aware I am that the loving continues.
How much I wonder if I am doing OK or not.
How much I judge myself harshly when thinking of things I should have done. Should/Could/Would be doing now.
It's a tornado of emotions, every day.
A surreal time when you are proud of yourself for finishing the payment plan on your husbands grave stone.
Instead of spending the money on a cheap flight to Vegas where you plan to get drunk and fall down before you yell "Happy New Year."
As I move into the holiday season, I am petrified - and perhaps if i can do this, I can (and maybe will) be able to do anything.
Just sharing.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Theater and Toast

Today, December 16th, was a tough day. Twenty years ago my Dad passed away from cancer. Twenty years!!
The anniversary always touches my heart, and today it was the number twenty that seemed to hold me in a muddied and gritty blur.
So much has happened and yet so very little. Tremendous changes and yet nothing.
It is incredibly selfish/boring/pointless/self indulgent of me to say how much I looked at my life today and noticed how many things I have left behind and some of which I miss. How I now compare my own widowhood to my Mums. How much I feel I have let my family down, when I think of all the things I wanted to give to them. The ache of his loss hit hard today.

Then tonight I realized the two things that still remain that my Dad gave to me - The Theater and Toast.
My brother and I grew up going to the theater with Mum and Dad. They were called shows then, just the same as dinner happened at lunchtime and policemen were really older.  I would give anything to have those trips back when we all dressed beautifully, drove into London in that white Mercedes and saw everything from slamming doors, kissing lovers, comedic neighbors, aching hearts and tapping shoes. Elaborate sets, large orchestras, red velvet curtains or simple wide open spaces - oh it was all wonderful, even if we didn't understand it. Even if on the odd occasion we would leave during the interval - that meant really bad language and someone being naked!
Then we would get home, and no matter the time or mood, the kettle would be switched on and  bread placed into the toaster. The make believe world melting with the butter.

So tonight I came home from my playwriting class and I remembered all of this while waiting for the kettle to boil and the bread to pop up warm and ready. And there was Dad saying do that Jayne. Stay with the the theater and eating the toast! Just do it.

Thank you Dad. I miss you.