Thursday, November 7, 2013

It's been awhile

Forgive me Blog Universe - it has been one month and six days since my last post!
I have not committed any writing since then, and for that I am truly sorry. I firmly resolve, that with the help of inspiration, cake and a dictionary that I will write more, and avoid the near occasions of losing my blog access. (I now make the sign of typing at a laptop.) Peace be with you and also with any publishers and or agents. Ah to lots of men. 

Where have I been?
A mixture of hiding, perhaps re-fueling, perhaps resting.
I was under a rock for a while, and then found it started to lift, which gave me the strength to push it away.
I don't want to stay hiding from life or running away from the possibilities of being all that I can.
It's just so odd to be doing it to a whole new audience.
Max The Cat lays by my side, he sometimes looks interested in what I'm saying.
Anyway - I just wanted to blog this evening to say out loud, that I am doing OK. I talk to David. A lot.
I catch my breath at least five times a day when I see his face in my mind and realize, yet again, that he isn't physically here. He isn't the type of personality that you imagine not being around. Vibrant, energetic, busy, loud, funny. He tells me to get a move on - and so I am.
Easing away from the comfort zone, necessity is partly (and rudely at times) shoving me, yet I'm trying to look at that as a positive thing.
When you decide to lose weight, you go on a diet. You have to stop eating sugar and enjoy lettuce.
Living successfully requires the same daft commitment. You have to stop accepting the pain. You have to physically make the effort to turn thoughts around. I have to learn that part of me is missing. That a chapter in my story is about loving and hurting and saying goodbye and the gain and loss of all of that. That my soul feels it will never trust in life (though did it ever fully?) I find myself clutching inwardly with a voice screaming "I'm a widow, I don't want to be here, I can't do this." Every day I staple on courage with a glue gun and a smile - mind you, on the other hand, I experience the joy of when my smile is genuine. It kisses me like a rare feather grazing on a beach. I guess it's like receiving the real thing instead of the text version :))

Perhaps it all gets better from now on. At least today I am willing to find out, with honesty, integrity, respect and love, and that is a far bolder place that I stand at, than others will ever know.