Monday, August 5, 2013

Widow Talk - Straight from The Gut

There are many things (including absolutely everything) that I hate about being a widow.
Here is one, that I have read and heard said about other widows and widowers. I admit, it has now been said about me.

If you happen to go on a date - a remark you may hear is: "Wow, she didn't waste much time."

Yeah, being a widow is real easy when your body is surprisingly and annoyingly craving touch because the person who has slept to your left or right for the last number of years has now gone, forever. Not because they divorced you, dumped you, are on vacation, or a business trip - that familiar touch will never be returned because they are dead and that is forever. I can spout about eternal love, and yeah, I believe in it. Though right now, I will pay you with blood and cake in exchange for ten more years of physical time, rather than the mystical, gazing at stars, begging for answers love, that I am left with.

You are craving touch, yet your heart is wanting the accustomed love that you so desperately adored. You finally reach out for touch, only to feel disgusted with yourself, racked with guilt and loss, and/or, feeling joy followed by bewilderment because is it possible to feel such emotions with another human being while you remain in love with your husband?

Along with that - the concerns over sexual health, trust, your wedding ring, the beloved photo at the side of the bed. What if you think of your husband? What if you don't? What if it makes you grieve even more? How does it all work these days? What on earth is the other person thinking? All I really want to do is jump from a cliff, however I will take a hug first. Oh and now let me consider a persons lack of education/support/grace/humanity as they consider the widow should be in quarantine for a thousand years. I imagine this is the same type of person who looks for a new chastity belt in CVS.

Didn't waste much time? Let me ask you this. When did the spouse die? Because the only person who knows, to the very heart and soul beat of a second, is the widow you are berating.

I have no reason to plan anything anymore. Can you imagine how empty that is for me? Me, who adores being generous with ideas, time and special experiences? Me, who actually LOVES to do things, or values doing nothing, just being together? Oh, my, the confusion it brings if there is a mere hint of a future smile!  Do you know how difficult it is to stop myself from sharing and caring - when I have cared innately and shared everything? Do you know that one of the things I truly miss, is whispering good morning and good night to another person next to me, while holding their hand and their gaze?

AND - I was only married for ten years and have nothing that says we were together. So, lord knows how tough this stuff must be for those that have children, homes, history, businesses; a life together.

Putting my pile of lemons to one side, let me sing it loud and clear to everyone. That life is about loving. We are so rarely able to embrace a true, tender, wondrous moment of love - that anyone bold enough to try it, deserves the loudest round of blessed applause. A widow trying to feel connection, has more internal barriers to get through than a city subway station - and for them to be judged, says so much more about the smallness of some peoples hearts against the wild wonderful depth of others.
To know death is to embrace life,
    And to know life is to embrace love.