Saturday, June 22, 2013

Eleven Months without David

Dear David

Couldn't write until now, two days after the 20th.
Struggling to know what to say, what to feel, what to do. Who knows?
We all make everything up as we go along.

A man came into the store today who looked like you, just a touch. Could have been dressed by you and had your manners and charm. Susan spoke to him, I couldn't, though later I told her why and proudly showed off a photograph of you I keep with me. Later, while sitting on my balcony, your car, well not your car, came around the corner and instantly I am full yet again of the "David Died" parade. It hits me at least ten times a day and yet still catches me off guard. Yet, I smile, call it a headache, a passing thought while my heart shakes itself to see if it still pumps.

The depth of this grief has truly surprised me. It's like discovering that the ice cream well is bottomless - except half way down you realize it's not ice cream.

As I keep saying, I miss you and I miss all the things that I imagine we would have had if circumstance and illness had not interfered. I lost myself within everything that chewed us up. I am the bit that survived in order to be spat out. I guess I was a tied up package before my plane had even landed, and I am so sorry for that. So sorry that my self esteem ran off with my intelligence. Wasn't I originally the woman who could have made a real difference and given you an even better life, than the tiny one I battled for?

Again, another post I will not put on Facebook, as I know these are the ones people rarely read, yet I feel I need to publish in a desperate attempt to heal. My goodness, you and I were so similar. I wish with all my heart that we could sit and talk. That I could learn whatever the hell I'm meant to learn and get on with it.

Eleven months, without a husband, a purpose, a role. It's all gone. All my energy, pointless, unrewarded, unrequited (yep I said it). No medals, gold watch or even a really good wedding photograph. There a big holes in the circle of life. And as you used to say: whoopdi-dam-do!

Please know I tried.
I love you.
Jayne 




Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Four I Wonders for a Tuesday

I wonder if I am the only person who cannot wear thong sandals?
Who the hell invented those?
There are tons of lovely looking sandals out at the moment, with gems, small heels or flats, great colors, simple or creative and they all end in the torture chamber of the toe being seperated.
Not only is the seperation a racial slur against your own toes, it is a dumb example of putting too much pressure on one area.
It hurts. I try it, and it hurts. If Jesus had those sandals, they would not have needed to nail him to the cross.
How do you do it? Is it a virginity thing? Did I skip a special class? Am I too late to register?
Will someone please try to make a sandal look attractive for people who wish to keep their toes together!

I wonder where the mouse has gone that has been running around Max The Cat for a week?
Being far too tired to do anything about the squeals coming from both animals, I simply turned over and let them at it. This continued for four nights and now nothing.
I await to find a mouses head chewed off in the fridge or bathroom cabinet. Touch of The Godfather Disney style in my bed. Max The Cat is fine and he is not licking his lips with satisfaction, so I'm guessing that the mouse got out somehow. Replace guessing with truly hoping. It is a pretty clever mouse and actually stands on its hind legs to face Max The Cat and has also played dead, tricking even me. They obviously come with intelligence in Rhode Island.

I wonder sometimes if my David is sitting near me, looking out after me. Like Ghost.

I wonder when television viewers will stop watching 'Love it or List it.' Every single episode she promises to do "something in the basement" and something happens where that is no longer possible and the home owner walks off crying saying; "this is turning into a nightmare."
Every week she under estimates the budget - she needs to be fired as she is so bad at her job!