Friday, December 20, 2013

December 20

One year and five months. Today. December 20th. That's all its been.
So I'm giving myself a break from my own judgement about how I am doing. I am against feeling or acting like a victim, though I have to admit with embarrassment, that sometimes I feel I deserve niceness just because I am a widow. I cringe as I type that!
I work so hard in a way that I never knew existed. The strong performance I put up to some people. My quiet and sad honesty with others. On occasion, the comfort I reach out for and beautifully find.
My times when I want to do more than hide and the times when I want to race and succeed
with this living business. Sometimes, (all the time actually) I am in public places with a constant voice in my head saying Oh my God Oh my God, I'm going to cry. I truly am taking it moment by moment. You just have to. Anything feels like a mild success because I get through the day.
I wanted to post today, to say how much I miss loving David and how aware I am that the loving continues.
How much I wonder if I am doing OK or not.
How much I judge myself harshly when thinking of things I should have done. Should/Could/Would be doing now.
It's a tornado of emotions, every day.
A surreal time when you are proud of yourself for finishing the payment plan on your husbands grave stone.
Instead of spending the money on a cheap flight to Vegas where you plan to get drunk and fall down before you yell "Happy New Year."
As I move into the holiday season, I am petrified - and perhaps if i can do this, I can (and maybe will) be able to do anything.
Just sharing.

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