Tonight I used my scrubbing steamer mop. Why the big deal?
Because my David loved using this machine and I have not been able to use it in well over a year, for knowing that his hands held that handle. He loved the noise, and the steam, and the way he could move it so easily. I loved watching him use it.
See, that's the thing, each thing can be a big thing. Some of them you avoid, some hit you in the face with a hot nail load of emotions and some things you just notice you are doing again. Like, I swam in a pool when I got hot, like David did. I thought, wow, you are right - it is refreshing to cool off. Stupid little things, internal conversations that go on and on.
This post is not a complaint, I'm just pointing something out, and trying to make myself realize that this widow malarkey, still takes it's boring toll on me. I keep saying, come on Jayne, its over a year now. It can't still be difficult to drive down to Dartmouth can it? Yet here is my statement. I lost my husband, my home, the garden, the neighbor, the location, the second car and the whole reason I emigrated. I chose to give up my job. I lost my belief system that said if you love enough you will gain the strength and all the answers. You'll even discover a twist of magic within the folds of love. I believed in it all.
This time last year, a month into my loss, I was beginning to think of having to move. My home, was no longer my house. This time a year later, I am having to do the same, because I don't think I can afford the rent here in my apartment. Instead of fear I feel bitterness - and boy do I dislike that! For those of you who do not know me, I am actually a happy person! Remaining foul, does not sit easily with me.
I recognize there are far, far worse off than me, in far, far harder situations - I just get jaded as I put on lipstick and tell myself that it will work out - when I just lived through ten years of nothing working out that quite frankly I poured blood over. All that hard work, and for what?
I share these thoughts in the hope that others who feel the same will rest a little better knowing that the vagueness of new is like walking into a casino and saying I have $5 to spend, where do I start?
You have the right to say "what????"
It's not the same as when you start college, or just get married, or start your dream job - because of one huge factor - half of you (dare I admit on some days 100 % of me) will say what is the point?
Because it all ends anyway.
Damn straight I intend to lose this big ugly lemon, as it does not serve me. However, I also need to squeeze it and try and get the pain out.
So yes dear fellow widows, add sarcasm here, grab your black heels and get over it, and move forward, in our own time of course, yet following what is comfortable for others. For those jolly folk who give us that advice, I send an axe and hover over their legs, and let them choose which leg - because, it is just a choice - right or left and then move on! Right? Oooops, there you go - they just said right!