Couldn't write until now, two days after the 20th.
Struggling to know what to say, what to feel, what to do. Who knows?
We all make everything up as we go along.
A man came into the store today who looked like you, just a touch. Could have been dressed by you and had your manners and charm. Susan spoke to him, I couldn't, though later I told her why and proudly showed off a photograph of you I keep with me. Later, while sitting on my balcony, your car, well not your car, came around the corner and instantly I am full yet again of the "David Died" parade. It hits me at least ten times a day and yet still catches me off guard. Yet, I smile, call it a headache, a passing thought while my heart shakes itself to see if it still pumps.
The depth of this grief has truly surprised me. It's like discovering that the ice cream well is bottomless - except half way down you realize it's not ice cream.
As I keep saying, I miss you and I miss all the things that I imagine we would have had if circumstance and illness had not interfered. I lost myself within everything that chewed us up. I am the bit that survived in order to be spat out. I guess I was a tied up package before my plane had even landed, and I am so sorry for that. So sorry that my self esteem ran off with my intelligence. Wasn't I originally the woman who could have made a real difference and given you an even better life, than the tiny one I battled for?
Again, another post I will not put on Facebook, as I know these are the ones people rarely read, yet I feel I need to publish in a desperate attempt to heal. My goodness, you and I were so similar. I wish with all my heart that we could sit and talk. That I could learn whatever the hell I'm meant to learn and get on with it.
Eleven months, without a husband, a purpose, a role. It's all gone. All my energy, pointless, unrewarded, unrequited (yep I said it). No medals, gold watch or even a really good wedding photograph. There a big holes in the circle of life. And as you used to say: whoopdi-dam-do!
Please know I tried.
I love you.
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