Thursday, September 20, 2012

My David at two months

Today is the two month anniversary that David and I share in our new relationship.
I celebrated my birthday on Tuesday and am so happy and lucky that close friends knew without asking that I required extra attention to move through the day. In fact, I truly have not celebrated a birthday as much as this year, and it's all happened as if by magic.

With the loss of a husband or wife, it is not that the widow or widower need look for reasons to feel sadness, it finds you at the most obvious and oddest moments. A happy memory will easily turn with a knife, while a painful one may suddenly melt into an embrace. I believe I am now doing everything we enjoyed together. Though I avoid a certain supermarket and walking our local roads without David is still not possible.
I truly cannot bear to think about his final resting place.
Though, I do not imagine David as a body. He is a bright dancing light for me. His hello appears with a sighting of a dragon fly - a real one or a picture. And they are showing up. I was having dinner with dear friends last night in a restaurant that David and I loved. The sunset had appeared as four fiery feathers, it was elegant and gorgeous. Then during a great meal, Tony showed Rachel and I a photograph he had taken earlier of a dragonfly that had landed on the book he was reading. I received that image as a romantic kiss.
Some days I beg for a sign and am devastated when nothing seems to arrive. I cry and cry, and yes, eventually I stop. On the beach the other day, I ended up laughing through my tears, as I discovered a duck starring at me, drifting on the ocean by himself. Was that a sign?
"Yeah, that's right Jayne, I came back as a duck!" David said with that sarcastic tone he could use to deliver the perfect comedic answer.
And this morning, Shannon and I were discussing how David had worked his love magic. With an inspired confidence, a note and a door alarm being set off, Shannon had connected with Kevin, her soul mate. So now we imagine David was hired to be Cupid, with a sexy outfit, great tan and constant whisperings of love. Bruce Willis will play him, in the best romantic comedy of the year.

So my dearest husband David, I think of you constantly. I prefer the days when I'm moving forward, allowing me to feel closer to you, rather than the despairing days when I am swallowed up by an empty darkness. There is no description of my missing you, in the same way as there has never been an accurate telling of the tremendous love that I have for you.

This time last year we were on Marthas Vineyard. You smiled here for me, not the camera.
I love you.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Friends and Sunflowers

Friends episode: "The one where she is acting strange."

This new phase is really sifting out the friends who are up for the challenge of being with me. New and old friends in years, young and older in age, close mileage or long distance.

During a day I will sprint from being winged fairy godmother to raging deranged witch.
From singing "I believe in Angels" which is a line in an Abba song to "Never Mind the Bollocks" by the Sex Pistols, which was a song and a torn t-shirt.
I have perfected the art of changing ones mind. I am that annoying person in the car in front of you who doesn't trust that the green light means go.  I consider every single Vacation Discount-Groupon- Living Social-Anti Social-Living Coupon that pops up on the screen. I've nearly registered and/or bought every self help-retreat-book-CD-seminar-conference-course-self study-on line-in person-drive through-12 step program-tap ball change step- talk to whomever you believe is your God this IS your answer. It will all work while I think about it, until I think that it won't.

I scroll through Facebook photos and comments feeling creepy as though it's illegal to do so. I want the phone to ring and sink into a cushion when it does.
I swear some mornings I sing on the door step "Who Will Buy This Doubtful Lady."
Some hours I act like Oliver asking for more, while other hours, I am Lady Bracknell, judging and puffing my way through endless cups of tea. Or wine. Or martini. Or chocolate. There's always chocolate.
I have considered vacations, working, short trips, no trips, dinners, cooking, television, walking, talking, silence, dancing. I'm a uncatalogued shelf of suggestions.
I cannot sleep. I laugh. I feel strong. I do not want to carry on. I do not want to think about a job. I think about a job. I hope. I wonder. I cry. I still fancy George Clooney and David Silverstein simply makes my heart thump so loud that I search in my blindness for him.

Yesterday I experienced a reminder that I have lost everything that has been my focus for ten years.
Everything.  Then Jill jumps up, puts coffee in my hand, holds the other. Takes me for gentle shopping and feeds me brownies.

Whatever crap field I am currently walking through, I see far worse for others and I know that sunflowers still grow for me. I'm a lucky one going through grief and I have the opportunity to grow in new ways, even though the opportunity has been forced and feels entirely false.

Thank you for my dear friends who are throwing the seeds, the rope, the raft, the cookies, the carrots, the dollars, the hugs, the space, the closeness and the genuine love to act as my trellis.

There will be a garden again. I miss you my love xx