Saturday, June 30, 2012

Togetherness

Driving back tonight there were fireworks hitting the sky and I was reminded of my first year in the USA when David and I went to see the July 4th fireworks. At that new stage in our togetherness, I did not wish to admit that I am scared of fireworks! (What a pilchard I am.) Rather than share this, I planted courage and cotton wool in my ears, without him knowing and braved the display.

I'm sorry David that I have not faced fears now and gotten you out of that hospital. Tonight, I truly thought you had a stroke because of the way you were slumped over, barely moving. I sat there, holding your head in my hands, crying and telling you how much I am sorry. The hospital have intimidated me so much that I was even concerned about them having to request a doctor to see you. I didn't want it to mean more medication.

At one point, your eyes flashed open and you told me that you loved me, clear as a perfect day you spoke. You started to cry and we kissed. We were so together and connected. It was just us, and everything that we have enjoyed and endured. It was us holding one another tight as though trying not to be found.

I sit here alone, despising that our final month had to be stolen from us and whats more; I am meant to remain positive about it. I despise that I have to choose a nursing home to wheel you into with a smile on my face and a check in my pocket. I wanted you back home. I heard a nurse say tonight - Oh we have to wait because the wife is still here. The wife, what an inconvenience for their time card.
I hate that a nurse saw you doubled over and asked - oh is he agitated?  I need to check the definition of that word, as a still body that is slumped so far that the head is touching the floor, doesn't look too angry to me.

As the nurse gave you water through a small mouth pump, you looked so young and your brown eyes were incredibly wide. I confess now that sometimes I wanted a child with you and for it to be a boy.Yes, it's true, very occasionally, I heard a clock and a loving desire to cherish part of you and I for always. I've never said that out loud.
And again, watching you tonight, I was blessed with a sudden selection of your expressions and even words. You laughed and said "but of course". I felt hungry for all of those faces. You gave that charming smile I adore and the funny face you pull when being comical. You love to make people laugh. You once sang to me with a yellow plastic laundry basket on your head!

I think tonight we said goodbye, even though I will see you tomorrow, in a different kind of a way. I didn't want to bring you home because I'm in denial. I just wanted more, and I know David, that you understood.

Sleep easy my love.



Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Loving yourself & Nora Ephron

I tweeted the other day about the number one need to love yourself.

Most people, including myself, take this advise lightly. Yes of course it would help, how can you possibly do it though? Doesn't that make you conceited? We all know those people who need mirrors attached to their hands to continue their admiration.
Doesn't loving yourself lead to spending money at retreats named ahhh? Purchasing angel cards, purple scarves and bong circles?

I know for sure what happens when you don't.

You believe the bad press that is given to you. You quickly expect it and reward it on a daily basis. You give it to yourself willingly. You promote it by writing and paying for the billboard above your head. The inner critic that we all have, feeds on it and grows inside to such a size that you have nothing left, just a choir of negative voices.
You're selfish, fat, boring, angry, lazy, useless, pointless, disorganized, a dreamer, a loser, gullible, too nice, too friendly, too cold, too distant. Need I go on? The inner crtic screams, Yes, Im loving this! Feed me.
Oh and that voice loves hearing about being a victim. That's another layer of hate aimed toward your soul. When I would tell someone what was hurting, I would shout at myself for being a victim. There's a big difference when you are looking at what causes harm and how you prevent that from occurring again. Searching for growth is not being a victim. If you don't care, you get stuck in silencing your innate wisdom and you cannot even recognize what is not comfortable for you.

We have to take a stand against (and toward) ourselves first to stop this destructive cycle. It needs to be a class taught at schools. It needs to be something you do right now at any age and on any day.
Not loving yourself results in mistakes that you accept. You won't even see them as mistakes in the end. What's worse, is that you will accept disrespect, because you'll believe you deserve it.

It prevents you moving forward and from being honest. It will have you questioning absolutely everything and everyone. The question what do you think - will never matter to you, because you'll have no concept of the answer and quickly your opinion will never be sought. Even when, it should be the only one to really count.

At 45 point 5, I finally, yesterday, came to understand that the famous saying is true; you can not love someone else without loving yourself first. As President of the Anti Jayne Fan Club, I felt that you could love more if you felt nothing for yourself. I'm wrong. That doesn't mean that I havn't loved. It means I believe I would/could have handled my life differently. I used to have just one major regret and now I have two - and both because of my lack of care for myself.

So, stop and think on this. It is not 'lah lah land', a hippy phase or a reason to throw a party. If you want that purple scarf as a reminder, you should get it.
Loving yourself is a requirement - like wearing a seat belt when you drive. Like taking medicine when you're sick.

Ironically, Nora Ephron died last night and she was on my "I want to be her" list. Not only for her writing talent; she represented a confidence and a wisdom I am in awe of.

I finally understand.

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.” - Nora Ephron