Saturday, June 9, 2012

Most Beautiful Letter

Below is the most beautiful email I have ever received. Emily said it was OK to share.
Everyone, please, please send David every thought of love that you can.

Dear Jayne,
Tonight the fireflies were out. I wait for this time every year - when the fireflies hatch and there are as many as the stars in the sky and they light up the fields. Phil and I sat on the bench and watched, and lightening flashed, and I saw a shooting star. And on the star I wished for peace for Dad. And I remembered the Loving Kindness Meditation.

It goes like this:

May you be mentally happy.

May you be physically happy.

May you be safe.

May you have ease of well-being.
And while you repeat the meditation over and over, you hold a mental picture of the person you are saying it for. And it felt like just the right prayer for Dad, and I thought that if god were anywhere, god was in that field - in the fireflies, in the lightening, in the chirping birds, and in the shooting star.


I am sharing it with you because it felt like the perfect manifestation prayer. I think it puts words to our hopes. If it works for you, say it for Dad, but also for yourself. Say, "May I be mentally happy..."
I love you so much.
May we be mentally happy.

May we be physically happy.

May we be safe.

May we have ease of well-being.
xoxoxo,

Em



Monday, June 4, 2012

Letter to my David

Dearest David
This time twelve years ago I was in London with your engagement ring on my finger and we both were wondering what on earth we were doing after only such a short time of knowing one another.

Tonight I sit here, glued to the sofa, too nervous to move, because moving means I see something else that reminds me that you are in hospital and not somewhere in the house.

After these eight years of handling Alzheimer's, I know I was right in saying that I will long for the time when you ask for my attention and all I want is to watch TV.

I know I will see you tomorrow and our passports will be in the car, just in case I follow that desire to smuggle you out in a laundry cart. I've said it before - we could live as two loonies on a beach.
I'm sorry Doctors and best hospitals in the world, I'm struggling to agree that keeping Alzheimer's patients in a scary hospital is a good idea. Yes I know its temporary. This is the part in the movie where I go to medical school and find a correct/better treatment for you and actually cure you! Hilary Swank will play me and get nominated.

This just isn't right and I feel so helpless and that I have let you down.

The doctor said, once you are in a nursing home that I can be the wife again. You do not stop being a wife just because you are a care giver. FAR FROM IT!

The strength that I have seen from my Mum, my wonderful friend Sandy and now my Aunt Violet as they have dealt with their husbands dying is extraordinary. For Mum it is nearly twenty years since Dad died, Sandy nearly one year and my dear Aunt just a week.
With Alzheimer's, mine is a different form of grieve. Never for once though do any of us stop being wives.
Sadly I know I will long for these days when at least I can hold your hand.

How are we meant to deal with this David? You can't communicate to me what you need. I can't have you hold me, like you did. I am desperately trying to remember a time when we were not dealing with illness (or other issues) and all we had was a bright hope that all could be well for us, when individually we had handled so much before meeting on a hill in April 2000.

We knew it was a gamble. Never did we imagine this. Oh never did we imagine this.

Miss you.



Sunday, June 3, 2012

Was Batman a care giver?

Batman woke up one morning at three am, which was pretty disappointing as he had finally gone to bed at 1am. He hadn't had a busy night of villain fighting.  In fact he had just sat in his dressing gown under a blanket watching reality shows and comedies on the television. Feeling nothing.
At three am, knowing returning to sleep was impossible, he put his bat suit in the washing machine and spent an hour tidying Robins room who was away for the night on a personal voyage.
Desperate to find peace, Batman browsed his library of positive thinking books. Nothing grabbed his attention, they only added to his discontentment. Dreams were not in reach, there were no vibrations and soul savers hiking in mountains to find their peace was as obvious as getting fries at McDonalds.
How do you  find your peace when you live in Gotham City? Emptying his mind made room for further thoughts. Even the Oreo cookies were stale.
The hardest thing about his job he realized was the constant disbelief and doubters that he knew talked about him behind his cape or straight to his Bruce Wayne persona. Could it be that they were even more draining than the battle against the world of crime? At least the villains brought obvious weapons.
Though the doubters knew safety was in reach, it seemed they needed to find the visible boxer line in his suit and even when Batman changed to wearing a thong, it could not stop their disrespect. BLAM, KRASSH, ZAPP.
Despite the fabric of his suit and the boldness he used as Bruce, he was still only human. And as Batman, Bruce or human, nothing he did seemed right within their eyes.
Though it was about Gotham City coming together, why did he feel so alone?
Checking facebook and twitter without interest, Batman gave up, went back to bed and cried a while under his duvet.