Showing posts from May 6, 2012

Jimmy Care Giver Shoes

What do you think when you hear the term care giver or care partner? What image dances before you? Or does it plod sadly in front of you wearing a martyr tea shirt with a blanket trailing from their pocket?
Have I become a saint in some peoples eyes? If it hadn't been done before; I would wear a tea towel on my head.
Here's the thing. I'm still Jayne. I'm still the wife. I still laugh and have dreams of wearing high heels or having the perfect hair and wearing lip gloss that stays in place.
All the emotions, energy and interest that attached itself to David, is still there.
Heres the thing though, it's all been been dragged through a lawn mower.
We don't actually realize ourselves how tired we become, because we forget its not just the physcality of getting up, carry this, clean this up, pick this up, do this now, whats wrong, whats good, was that door, is that the water running?
Its the emotional drain that really gets you because it wears an invisble cloak.

Life and love

Tonight I stay awake experiencing the same feelings that I had, when Kim Marshall threatened to kill me at playtime during the next school day. Teachers suggested to her that a detention may be in order. Kim's friends, enemies and previous black eye survivors told me to be prepared. I said nothing. I felt a lot. Sadly most of it was wondering why I deserved to be beaten up. What had I done wrong? My guess was that I was weak and I really did not know how I could change that to suit Kim Marshall. I was a nothing at school, why beat me up?
The next day we were both held in detention in separate rooms. I left school that day, running rather quickly with eyes like a crown completely around my head.
I know her desire to kill me faded because I'm still around.
There's an odd thing that I cannot work out about me. It's a feeling that whatever goes wrong, or not to my liking, is justified because I am wrong. I deserve it. That everyone else is right. I'm not sure I have ev…