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Showing posts from April 15, 2012

Another Step

Today was tough and enlightening.
David suddenly looked at me and said "I don't know who you are."
That was the first time he has said it with such fear and accusation toward me.
He has confused me with other people, imagined that we have just met, or that I'm wealthy, or stealing from him. In all those modes I have still, presumed I was Jayne, or at least a form of me.
To have your husband look at you and scream in a public place; "I don't know who you are" is right up there with the bucket list of experiences you wonder how you would react to.

During the very difficult hour or so that followed in trying to get him back home with me, I felt extremely calm, in control and loving. I could see his pure fright, practically feel it, and his loss of understanding as to everything around him, that with ordinary circumstances is a familiar place - our favorite local book store.

I moved slowly, spoke quietly and gently, kept eye contact and just loved. That'…

Bruises

Thank you for great responses regarding a good old, weird, not to be forgotten bruise. Here are my favorite answers, in no particular order.
Best Friend, My Pink & Golden Star - Brenda Side of head after falling off front of stage when lighting failed - name of play 'Say Something Happened'.
(Brenda also, ironically nearly broke a leg during this performance.)

Beautiful Sheryl - Well I guess mine would be from the forceps when I was pulled out of ,my Mother's womb. I still have the bruise today. The doctor said it would go away but it never did!

Gorgeous Sandy - Have you seen my rollarcoaster bruise? An original, earned by riding the Coney Island Comet ALONE!

My San Francisco Laughter Fix Michael - First TV commercial I was booked for. Went to bed, woke up with a big bruise under my right eye. Looked like I was in a street fight. It took the poor make up person an hour to cover it. All I could think was they were going to fire me. Still have no idea what happened and it…

Laptop Lid Slamming

When you have a form of Turrets that only surfaces when you are working, you may want to consider that your job is causing stress. I feel guilty to talk about work stress when people need jobs. So please forgive my self indulgent self.

Yesterday and today I have been hunched over the laptop. Every five minutes I become highly religious and throw my hands in the air calling out to - please insert whatever higher power works for you and add a few choice words that your grandparents did not know existed.

Occasionally, I will scream "That's it!" and walk away, imagining that the laptop follows me in a sulky fashion, begging for another opportunity.

I have noticed that my shoulders are attached to my ears, my mouth has swallowed my neck and my gums are clenched, let alone my teeth. My face is so scrunched with lines, that I receive calls from Botox specialists.

I know it is time to hang up my hang ups about working. I know I am off course. Even Max The Cat no longer jumps wh…

Question Marks

Since I said April was going to focus on accepting Alzheimer's through ignoring it. I have realized how hard it is to be a care partner. In fact I will admit I have been living in Bed, Bath and Deny and still am reluctant to say in my heart that I am struggling with this illness. I am not complaining, I do not want to sound like a victim. Please understand that I always thought Self Esteem was something to do with ironing, so I approach everything from a level of others know better.
These are just facts that I want to share to highlight A Day in the Life of a Question Mark.
Examples:
For anyone who saw an odd couple in Big Job Lots (terrible name) on Saturday that was us. I am the Walter Matthau character. We had agony over buying a blue plant pot for the garden. It will break. Its the wrong color. What's it for? It's too heavy. At one point I looked at rope and said out loud "Wonder if that would hold me?" I was joking - honest Rachel, I was!  Anxiety over me mak…