Thursday, March 29, 2012

Looking for a Surprise

Earlier today I announced on Twitter that I was going for a quick walk to clear my head and would be looking for something surprising.
Nothing happened and I wonder if that was my surprise.
I truly expected to find something and I promise you, I was looking, well searching.

At the end of the walk a neighbor stopped me and asked if I had seen her dog. Aha, I thought loudly, suddenly feeling a connection to Oprah. This is the moment. I spent an hour driving around looking for the little dog. I am sad to say I did not find her and I really, truly, awfully, with determination and complete faith searched, holding onto a knowing feeling that I would find the missing dog.
So again, is my disappointment, the surprise I was looking for?
Is the failure the lesson? Is my reaction to it my opportunity to let go of how I expect things to work out?
I seem to bounce between being Pollyanna or The Grinch. Perhaps the trick is to find the character in between, let's call her Polly Inch.

Perhaps the truth is, that action works better than glasses. I look for ways of feeling connected, I ask for signs that I am on the right path, rather than just simply being on the right path.
Instead of looking at the night sky asking for a shooting star, I could/should/would just appreciate that I can see the night sky. 
Not sure, and I am going to accept that for now. Polly Inch says it all counts.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Change and A Do Over

   Today as I was leaving a coffee shop, I spotted Spiderman's mask on the floor. No really I did! A little boy had dropped it. All is fine, we got the families attention and the city is safe (even though I just let the cat out of the cobweb and told you that Spiderman is a little boy in Stoughton!)
  Tonight I waited for something to happen that I was sure was a sign. It didn't. So I'm tugging off my mask of "Woman on the Edge of  Hum Drum" and I'm introducing myself, and you to my inner Super Hero.
This is what I really want to do:

  I have decided to live with my husband rather than be with him and the Alzheimer's. We are going to live with it rather than waiting to die from it. 
 David has no choice, and I have the privilege of choice. I have been balancing full time work with full time care. Now I'm taking a risk and placing my work to one side to focus and explore Alzheimer's. To see how I can support David and hopefully, inspire other young couples who receive the same diagnosis. I want to face this boldly, instead of with fear. Wear the lipstick instead of the frown. At the very least, I want our final years together to be full of love, laughter and occasionally joys. Not appointments, pills and hushed words of loss.

 I know I cannot reverse the illness. I wonder though if I can find methods of easing some of the challenges?
 Alzheimer's is effecting a greater number of younger people. A fifty something energetic male with the illness is not similar to an eighty year old Grandmother, yet the approach to care is the same. Our 50 year olds are not going to find support and motivation  playing cards in a day center.

 An energy I can't explain is encouraging me forward to use this time as an opportunity. I will not have an illness take my husband’s spirit in front of me, and it be for nothing. Whether it is a lesson, an inspiration or an example of love. There has to be a purpose found in our pain.
 So, that's my do over. After four years, I admit I am emotionally and physically drained. Yet I want, need, to re-energize myself to find the strength and courage.  When I want to celebrate ten years of marriage this May, and David is not too sure who I am, how do I still say the word celebrate?
I want to learn how. I will learn how. Care to join me?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Old Fogey Warning

An old fogey is a term often used to refer to older people who are not aware of what is hip and who are out of touch with contemporary thought and activities.
I am in danger of becoming an old fogey.  In fact, I wonder if I am already there?
Here are ten things I experienced this weekend that could be signs of  O.F.L - Old Fogey Living:

1) you know where to find prune juice in the supermarket
2) you have a favorite post office
3) you are excited to see the Ann Hope Garden Outlet has opened for the season
4) you plan to visit the Ann Hope Garden Outlet "just to look"
5) you do not know any of the younger actors in the movie: The Hunger Games
6) you can't remember the names of the other actors in the movie: The Hunger Games
7) you wake up in the night doing something odd, similar to Popeye, with your mouth
8) wearing sneakers all the time begins to make sense
9) looking at Yoga positions - you think why and ouch
10) you are secretly happy that the temperature has gone down, because you can keep wearing your cardigan.