Saturday, February 25, 2012

Writing

I was wondering (and kind of hoping to be honest) that this is the moment in my life when I stay up all night and write the breakthrough script that gets attention and begins the career I have been dreaming of.

I suppose for that I should make coffee, wear glasses and look at the laptop screen yawning, yet begin typing in a determined rhythm. Its that movie moment when the lead actress gets serious, puts her hair up and the audience notice how great she looks without make up. You are witnessing the serious, committed side and you know it's the turning point. Intro tinkly music and dim lighting - even though she's busy writing and should take advantage of overhead lighting.
Well I cant sleep, yet two hours, one twitter and a session cuddling the cat have not produced the screenplay.
When I first started this blog I used to write about my daily horoscope. It was always amusing to Jen, that my stars were quite the opposite of my reality. So for writing inspiration I just looked up my stars.
Today they said: Your sassiness is really paying off now. You are at the top of your game.
Well, the closest I am to sass, is my gas!  My body is currently having a noisy revolution with itself. Never have I pushed the supermarket trolley so quickly up the frozen foods aisle, as I did today. Apologies to anyone who was caught in a deadly perfume wafting from a woman hunched up, wearing all black and sounding like a duck. I truly considered visiting the Fabreze section for a quick revamp.

For tomorrow my horoscope says: You need to say no to people today when they come asking for help. Unless it's life or death.
That's exciting and warrants a day when I will not answer the door or telephone. Be warned, if you knock with only one arm because the other has been chopped off in a carving knife incident, you had better be specific, because I will be saying NO tomorrow.
 
And now, inspiration hits and I begin the screenplay:
Woman, attractive, obviously intelligent, sits typing, while laughing at her own combustion skills. She hears a knock at the door. She chooses not to answer it, and opens another packet of chocolate Yodels. When, then......................................

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Fat Tuesday Celebrations

Its Fat Tuesday!
For those not in New Orleans - here is how to celebrate:

Wear all your jewellry
Sing everything like Louis Armstrong
Place your Spanx on a stick and wave it high
Spray alcohol on everything you eat
Order what you really want from one McDonalds instead of visiting two
Eat three boxes of chocolates while watching The Biggest Loser
Wear all the swimming floats you can find and shout "I love water retention!"
Tell skinny people in a patronizing voice "ahhhh, you have such a nice face though."
Tell skinny people in a questioning voice "ohhhhh, you're expecting a baby!"
Tell skinny people in a quietly advising insulting voice "you should try walking!"

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Education Law Suit Hits UK

Dear School -

I am letting you know that I am going to sue you.
Here is why.
You saw me, and others, in agony learning equations, things to do with antipodes, how many wives King Henry had and that collinear points lie in a straight line. You made me wear a short skirt to play hockey. Let me just repeat that - you made me wear a short skirt to play hockey. I told you then and nothing has changed: "These legs don't run and these legs don't do short!" I believe a detention greeted that confident attitude.

You made me cut open a frog, you made me read Thomas Hardy and you told us that calculators could not be relied upon.

This morning I try and try to clean melted plastic from the oven. I have no heating because the oil ran out. I have a lack of medication for my husband because the doctor gave the wrong instructions. YES, as I ponder all of these issues, you are right; I am thrilled that I know Anne Boleyn was Henry's second wive, and that she was executed.
Now unless she had her head chopped off because of melted plastic, no heating and poor medication, I wonder what use she is, for me today.

I can tell the pharmacist that an isthmus has water on two sides. I cannot tell him why the doctor forgot how many milligrams our pills should be! Even if I wore a short skirt and whispered the word puck - I am not going to get the pills we need from him.

So, unless Pythagoras has a Theorem on how to really clean a kitchen floor - I don't care to hear it.
I only know that E equals M C squared because there was a song about it and permutation is a fancy name for a To Do list.

My lawyers will be in touch for misrepresentation on what I will need to know as an adult.
Regards -

Jayne ( typed NOT in joined up typing!)