Saturday, February 4, 2012

New Diet Tip - It really Works!

Great Diet Tip:
Clean your fridge!
You will be so disgusted by the things you find, that it will put you off from eating.
Slight problem with this, is that most of the things that dissolve into a biology experiment are generally good for you. Peppers for example and bags of salad that escape their jail by becoming like snail trail or stuff that babies and old people drool.

If you really want to go for an eight pound diet loss - try this. Open a can of beef broth (low sodium of course) - do not open the lid fully - only a little.
Then place upside down in the fridge, at the back and on the top shelf.
Now leave and forget for five weeks.
When you pull out the salad boxes at the bottom, you will discover the 9th Wonder of The World - The Broth Frozen Pool. Its pretty beautiful with blobs of stuff it has captured upon its journey down.
Kind of like the volcano at Pompeii, whose hot lava made statues out of people.

Cleaning it up is pretty bad, especially when your fridge door is against a wall and you can never pull all the drawers and shelves out easily. You have the added bonus of everything in there smelling of gravy too.
Am I the only person who has considered spraying Febreze in their fridge?
I'm going out!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Coq au Vin Recipe

In my adventurous days, Coq au Vin, equaled a fun position in the back of a car on a Saturday night.
Now it just means, cooking.
So here are some handy steps to add to your favorite recipe.

1)   Purchasing tin foil roasting pans for a one time use, are a great way of cutting down on clean up and solving limited storage space.
2)   Some of these pans come complete with plastic lids. It's fun to think -  "plastic lid on a roasting pan is a great idea, because I am using this pan for Coq au Vin and it requires a lid."
3)   Once placed inside the oven and you're checking the dish, it is not a good idea to say "wow, look at that, the lid must have fallen off."
4)   If you do think that, you may wish to look for the plastic lid, rather than presume that it is content to sun bath.
5)   Once food is out of oven, it should not be of great surprise that the taste is not exactly as one may expect.
6)   A few hours later, it is a joy to stare at the splattered, artistic mess that has now dried hard inside the oven.
7)   Perhaps not the best idea to exclaim loudly: "Wow that plastic lid melted everywhere in here." While the dish is being eaten by your loved one!
8)   Chipping off the hard plastic is reasonably amusing. Please be careful however, as pieces of plastic will fly and slip into areas that can not be reached by hands, fingers, scissors, knives, spatulas, spoons, straws or the aggravated screams of  "really?" aimed toward the ceiling.
9)    Nor is it a clever idea to decide to switch on the 'hot temperature self cleaning device' in your oven while pieces of plastic remain inside.
10)    Then, do not walk away toward your television, even if it is to gaze at George Clooney arriving on the red carpet during the SAG awards.
11)    Do remember to turn back and look toward the oven, in order to quickly jump when you find black smoke billowing in the kitchen and a red flame dancing behind the oven glass door.
12)   It is a sensible idea, not to think; "it's gas, it's going to blow up, we're all going to die."
13)   Nor is it a good idea to remember you have a fire extinguisher beside the oven, yet because you have not read the instructions, it's not worth trying it now!
14)   As you timidly open the oven door - do not remember the movie scenes in Towering Inferno or Back-draft, where they show doors opening and hell is actually let loose.
15)    If during your life threatening experience, your cat is sitting at your feet with his "you idiot" gaze,  it could possibly be a good indication that this is not as dramatic as you feel.
16)   Though on saying that about the cat - do not then remember the story about the hospital cat who sat with people just as they were about to die.

Conclusion:
1)   Plastic is not for use inside a heated oven.
2)   Always eat tons of birthday cake, so that you are in constant practice of blowing candles out, just in case you need to ever, huff, puff, blow your flame out.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Joining Twitter

Oh no I didn't! Well, I didn't mean to. It just happened. I am not guilty of going in with intention.
They convinced me, teased me and tempted me. It's obvious they all attended a Dale Carnegie Sales Course, because I joined.
Was it a business course? Do you know me?
Was it a gym? Are you delirious?
Was it a cooking class? Are you stupid?

I joined Twitter. As mentioned, I did not mean to.

My talented friend, Jen Smith, www.moresinglethannuns.com, is now twitting. Is it twit or tweet?
So I went on, to see what she was writing about. Oops, did I say writing? I mean twitting.
I find that to read, I have to follow her. This scares me, the term "following" her. I know what they mean. Couldn't they find another word though? "Following" immediately conjures dark alleys in my mind and I don't like it!

So then to read..I mean to follow. I have to join (log on for the younger readers) and become a twit myself.

Two hours later I have laughed at Steve Martin (genius) laughed that Dali Lama has a tweet as well as Jesus Christ ( a magical carpenter). I have seen more life coaches, swear words, actors and tattoos than the Immigration Office on a Monday morning.
I now feel totally useless that I'm not as funny, clever, traveled, inspiring and motivating as most of the tweets. I feel lonely and ugly that I have no wonderfully quirky yet gorgeous photo of myself to download. I also feel stupid that at first I thought Lady Gaga had tons of tweeter entries, until I worked out that the picture of THE EGG is for sad folks like me, without photos. 

Hence now I am a writer..no I mean a twitter, who reads..no I mean follows...and perhaps I will write...no I mean tweet. This proves that I could be:
old, boring, out of touch, lazy, not as original as I thought I could/would/should be and is factual evidence that I am severely behind the times.

Tomorrow I am going to study to become a psychologist who will specialize in supporting those who become depressed and bitter through social media.
www.depressedandbitterthroughsocialmedia.com
tweet - guntohead i
facebook - shyhidingnevercomingout