Today is the two month anniversary that David and I share in our new relationship.
I celebrated my birthday on Tuesday and am so happy and lucky that close friends knew without asking that I required extra attention to move through the day. In fact, I truly have not celebrated a birthday as much as this year, and it's all happened as if by magic.
With the loss of a husband or wife, it is not that the widow or widower need look for reasons to feel sadness, it finds you at the most obvious and oddest moments. A happy memory will easily turn with a knife, while a painful one may suddenly melt into an embrace. I believe I am now doing everything we enjoyed together. Though I avoid a certain supermarket and walking our local roads without David is still not possible.
I truly cannot bear to think about his final resting place.
Though, I do not imagine David as a body. He is a bright dancing light for me. His hello appears with a sighting of a dragon fly - a real one or a picture. And they are showing up. I was having dinner with dear friends last night in a restaurant that David and I loved. The sunset had appeared as four fiery feathers, it was elegant and gorgeous. Then during a great meal, Tony showed Rachel and I a photograph he had taken earlier of a dragonfly that had landed on the book he was reading. I received that image as a romantic kiss.
Some days I beg for a sign and am devastated when nothing seems to arrive. I cry and cry, and yes, eventually I stop. On the beach the other day, I ended up laughing through my tears, as I discovered a duck starring at me, drifting on the ocean by himself. Was that a sign?
"Yeah, that's right Jayne, I came back as a duck!" David said with that sarcastic tone he could use to deliver the perfect comedic answer.
And this morning, Shannon and I were discussing how David had worked his love magic. With an inspired confidence, a note and a door alarm being set off, Shannon had connected with Kevin, her soul mate. So now we imagine David was hired to be Cupid, with a sexy outfit, great tan and constant whisperings of love. Bruce Willis will play him, in the best romantic comedy of the year.
So my dearest husband David, I think of you constantly. I prefer the days when I'm moving forward, allowing me to feel closer to you, rather than the despairing days when I am swallowed up by an empty darkness. There is no description of my missing you, in the same way as there has never been an accurate telling of the tremendous love that I have for you.
This time last year we were on Marthas Vineyard. You smiled here for me, not the camera.