Thursday, September 6, 2012

Cake and Recycling

There is a blog that I enjoy written by Betsy Lerner. She has a skill of writing short posts that engage in lengthy conversation.
Yesterday brought up the question: Who am I?

My answer was: I am a birthday cake delivered to the wrong house at the wrong time with the wrong amount of candles. And that's how I feel.  Hence, you are what you eat, is really true.

It sounds dramatic when I say that I am currently grieving for my last ten years. It is however a heavy truth. I emigrated from the UK with the excited knowledge that I was changing my life. I was moving to a place I loved, to a man I loved and was fortunate to quickly find a job I loved. And I was a size eight.

This summer all of those things have gone, and yes strictly speaking two of them are from my choice. The home and location either embraces with comfort or pokes me by remarking "you shouldn't be here."  The job no longer matches my pace. I would let it down. And the size eight could have a one in front of it.

So who the hell am I now? Yet another reinvention time and the struggle again to find the bravery to go for what I want or what I imagine I deserve, to finally what I imagine is left for me.
It is ironic that people who are in my position for the opportunity of starting anew, are often forced into this place and are actually at their weakest and most vulnerable.
It's like winning the lottery, losing the ticket and still trying to work out what will you do with the money.

I used to say that every day can be a beginning. That with hard work and focus you can create a life that you want. I just do not know anymore. It seems that people who are already at the party can dance longer, while those of us who pay for the napkins get stuck in just that; paying for the napkins!

I am caught at the bitter and angry stage, reliving times that are too painful to deserve such attention. Doing things that I think are the right things, yet finding the reward is smudged. Like driving in a murky fog to discover you are going in a circle. Am I'm acting like a victim, when I blame myself for so much that has brought me to this moment? My lack of confidence had lowered my vocal cords years ago. It's hard to truly hear me and I only blame myself for that.

I am fortunate compared to many.  The Queen of England once said during her Christmas speech that she had endured a horrible year. "Annus horribilis" she said. The country was outraged. Most of them screamed: "She thinks she had it bad!" While others smirked that she'd said the word anus on television.
Do you ever wonder who the one person is who thinks they have it really bad?!

As I write, there is a woman walking down my road collecting peoples recycling. She has to walk in her own relay, back and forth, to carry all the bags. She also pulls a small carriage packed with empty bottles. Now that's strong determination found through necessity.

I need to stop thinking and be as strong as her to move into action. To sort my own bags into recycling or trash. To decide if it is worth carrying those bags for the return or to find something new.

What do you need to do to be who you are, let alone who you want to be?

PS: Since completing this post, a van pulled up, collected all the recycling bags from the woman, who then walked to her shiny Volvo on the corner and drove off.  I need to broaden my vision! I need more cake!

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