Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Pretty Odd Exsistence

Well, it's been one month since David .......................... yep, can't type the words. You know what I mean though. Unless you do not, in which case, you are advised to read older posts! There is no quick "on previous episodes" re cap.
The biggest thing I have discovered in this month has been a tremendous energy that would be described as positive, ambitious and downright fantastical.
My first two weeks featured a to do list highlighting, the completion and selling of a play, training for a half marathon, raising money for Beacon Hospice and spending time in Hawaii.
All very doable, suddenly, even though I hardly move, hardly write, do not raise money well nor have the dollars to go to Fall River every day, let alone a trip to Hawaii.
Yet, in this zone, I imagine that I am now able to do these things and a million others because I have learnt the secret to life. And, whats more, that I have loved and lost, big time and can still face the world with a smile.
Also on the list is burning down McLean Hospital - I know, just when you thought everything I want involves good intentions. Sadly an ability to love, may also empower an ability to hate.
I can now meditate, suddenly, and communicate in the style of The Ghost Whisperer. Yes I have sat on the kitchen floor, calling out for David when Max The Cat appeared with a long lost favorite toy of his. The toy belonged to Max, not to David, just to clear any confusion.
I admit to speaking with the lamppost outside our front door one night, that was flashing on and off for a few minutes.
Conversations occur out loud and in my head like:

JAYNE: David, if you are here, blow the candle out.
DAVID: I can't do that yet, I'm still learning.
JAYNE: David, if you are here, blow the candle out.
DAVID: I know, I heard you the first time.
I'm considering taking up Demi Moore pottery, just to see what happens.
Anyway, the significant point to reveal, that among this sudden power is also an extreme tiredness, a lack of motivation and utter confusion. My mind will change what it wants to do half an hour before I realize I should have been doing something else.
What do you want to read? Do you want tea or coffee? What time is it? What day is it? Where are you going to live? What are you going to do?
Every question feels like I've jumped into the ocean to swim one length. How do you know how long one length is in the ocean? Just when I feel at my weakest, is the time I need to explore what, how and where I live my next chapter. It's like taking a law exam on your thirteenth birthday.
So my right arm believes it will create a center for young people with Alzheimer's, while my left arm ponders on how to use the television remote.
It's a pretty odd existence right now and for the billions going through it, we should all receive a sign to wear that says "please make us cups of tea and give hugs gently."
So, please ........... would you make me some tea and give hugs gently?


  1. Yes Jayne!! Anytime!! I love you!

  2. Bless you for sharing your thoughts so openely. I can only send virtual hugs, and tea, but I send all I can and more. May you find blessings and comfort today. Sue

  3. Here's a little bag of hugs. It looks small, but it's got a secret... because inside it's limitless. It's got as many hugs as you need, and a bunch more that you didn't realise you needed, and then a whole heap more just to feel crazily extravagant. Every time you need a hug, close your eyes, reach into the bag, pull one out, and enjoy a big, long, gentle and tender hug.

    Small and with a limitless supply of hugs.
    It was inspired by David :)

  4. Jayne, your humor and honesty really get me. It is all of those things you described. You've even captured the fleeting thoughts of it all, which feels very much like the tv remote, flipping through the channels without settling on anything to focus your attention on. Time and space flow upstream. Grieving is hard work. Thank you for showing us the eye of the hurricane. Many gentle hugs for you, friend.

  5. Hi Jayne--I was going to e-mail you---and I will!--but I came to this site first so decided to leave a comment here.Really enjoyed your writing ♥ My last "guests" leave on Friday and then I`ll have more time in my,Avio ♥


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