Saturday, June 30, 2012


Driving back tonight there were fireworks hitting the sky and I was reminded of my first year in the USA when David and I went to see the July 4th fireworks. At that new stage in our togetherness, I did not wish to admit that I am scared of fireworks! (What a pilchard I am.) Rather than share this, I planted courage and cotton wool in my ears, without him knowing and braved the display.

I'm sorry David that I have not faced fears now and gotten you out of that hospital. Tonight, I truly thought you had a stroke because of the way you were slumped over, barely moving. I sat there, holding your head in my hands, crying and telling you how much I am sorry. The hospital have intimidated me so much that I was even concerned about them having to request a doctor to see you. I didn't want it to mean more medication.

At one point, your eyes flashed open and you told me that you loved me, clear as a perfect day you spoke. You started to cry and we kissed. We were so together and connected. It was just us, and everything that we have enjoyed and endured. It was us holding one another tight as though trying not to be found.

I sit here alone, despising that our final month had to be stolen from us and whats more; I am meant to remain positive about it. I despise that I have to choose a nursing home to wheel you into with a smile on my face and a check in my pocket. I wanted you back home. I heard a nurse say tonight - Oh we have to wait because the wife is still here. The wife, what an inconvenience for their time card.
I hate that a nurse saw you doubled over and asked - oh is he agitated?  I need to check the definition of that word, as a still body that is slumped so far that the head is touching the floor, doesn't look too angry to me.

As the nurse gave you water through a small mouth pump, you looked so young and your brown eyes were incredibly wide. I confess now that sometimes I wanted a child with you and for it to be a boy.Yes, it's true, very occasionally, I heard a clock and a loving desire to cherish part of you and I for always. I've never said that out loud.
And again, watching you tonight, I was blessed with a sudden selection of your expressions and even words. You laughed and said "but of course". I felt hungry for all of those faces. You gave that charming smile I adore and the funny face you pull when being comical. You love to make people laugh. You once sang to me with a yellow plastic laundry basket on your head!

I think tonight we said goodbye, even though I will see you tomorrow, in a different kind of a way. I didn't want to bring you home because I'm in denial. I just wanted more, and I know David, that you understood.

Sleep easy my love.

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