I sit here at an absolute loss as to what to do. I've never had that in my life before. Somehow I've always known what to do or something happens that leads me to the next decision.
I've been called a control freak. I've been a professional event planner and theater director. I've always been the guide.
Right now though - and during one of the most important times of my life, I remain at a loss.
Today I was just about to visit David and the hospital phoned to say he now has an infection and it has caused some turbulent side effects. It is prudent not to visit today.
Every single thing I witness him going through is far worse than anything I saw with the Alzheimer's.
I was asked also to check something that had been written down about David, that during my last visit he ran down the corridor, lunging at me and wrapped his hands around my throat. Was this true? Well, its amazing that he ran down the corridor when they are telling me that he can't walk. Yet that's what the report says.
It's absolutely NOT true. I wonder if they have The Enquirer writing their reports?
I am hating this entire episode and can not imagine what Davids' Alzheimer's is doing to the working part of his brain that he has left.
The part that knows me when I visit. That still smiles, loves M&Ms, recognizes music, asks me what is going on and tells me that I need to get a life as he knows how terribly sick he is.
So now on top of yet another drug change, we add antibiotics. I look the various names up in my drug bible and see every possible side effect. It's funny how they refrain from listing the desired outcome.
I'm confused, angry, sad.
I'm told to look for a locked nursing home and remember I'm only young and as my own David said himself, I need to get a life. I emigrated to be with David to get a life. Loving him has been a key to my life. That doesn't stop because he has Alzheimer's. I don't believe it stops when a loved one dies actually. My caring for David is part of my life. The part I resent is now; this wasted time where he has been put there and in my eyes had his quality of life, possibly the remainder of his life, snatched away from him.
What if those people who lecture on healing and how to live a fulfilled life are correct? That the greatest thing in life is to love and to give. If I were Oprah and brought David back to my home, I would be applauded and helped. Because I'm not Oprah, I'm told to move on.
What if my heart and my strength equals a purpose to make people aware that this treatment is close to barbaric? Would it help if I shouted louder? Would it help if I had money? How are we to trust hospitals and not ourselves with David's care?
I am not denying the rapid progress of the illness and yes last month with David at home I got extremely tired and scared. Guess what? I'm still tired and scared! Guess what though? We enjoyed our quiet times. We walked. We sat in the garden. He made fruit salad with Jen. I could make him laugh, a lot. He thanked me. Loved me. He would dance to music. He still disliked Americas Next Top Model and still adored West Wing. Yes I'm a cliche when I say; if I knew then what I know now, I would never have shared my feelings. Never.
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