Thursday, May 10, 2012

Life and love

Tonight I stay awake experiencing the same feelings that I had, when Kim Marshall threatened to kill me at playtime during the next school day. Teachers suggested to her that a detention may be in order. Kim's friends, enemies and previous black eye survivors told me to be prepared. I said nothing. I felt a lot. Sadly most of it was wondering why I deserved to be beaten up. What had I done wrong? My guess was that I was weak and I really did not know how I could change that to suit Kim Marshall. I was a nothing at school, why beat me up?
The next day we were both held in detention in separate rooms. I left school that day, running rather quickly with eyes like a crown completely around my head.
I know her desire to kill me faded because I'm still around.
There's an odd thing that I cannot work out about me. It's a feeling that whatever goes wrong, or not to my liking, is justified because I am wrong. I deserve it. That everyone else is right. I'm not sure I have ever felt that I belonged enough to know enough.
I fear my tomorrow morning is going to provide more than Kim's fists would have hurt, because we are dealing with personal issues where love and living is involved.
Now we can all preach about the need for a bully. Why they do it. I get that. Here's what I do not get. That Kim's punishment was the same as mine. That I'm the one awake right now, putting everything together in case I need the emergency exit switch. That I believe making decisions and choices through clear conversation and good intentions find the best solutions. That loving has more of an impact than not. Yet if all that were true, wouldn't I be snoring right now?
Yet, it's time I owned up.  I believe that love has no power whatsoever. It is just a feeling and nobody won a Noble Peace Prize because of a feeling.
It does not solve my brothers problems just because he knows how much I love him. It doesn't even ease him. It makes it worse actually.
Love doesn't get a look in when dealing with illness. I have said, love is all there is. I'm sorry everyone, I don't believe it. Nobody died easier hearing I love you. Dying is dying. Like waking up or falling asleep, it's a bodily function.
If all I'm doing is loving - why am I on the end of another bullies hate list? If love were so effective, wouldn't it have worked by now on one of the many stupid situations I have given love to? And again, I have to stress to you, this is not an invite to a pity party. I just don't think I do this thing of living in the right way.Its simple, if I don't shout louder tomorrow; then I lose and I'm not someone that shouts and makes sense. I do the garbled, teary shouting, where you run out of breath and forget what you were wanting to say.
Until of course you're in the car alone.
A legal document means more than a love letter, and I wish I had spent more time over those. Perhaps it is not my fault and we are just given these roles. They are already defined at birth or before. Some people are the bowling balls while others are the pins.
It is ironic that as a child I liked the song "Another Suitcase Another Hall." Coz I swear I'm at that point again. I knew I should have liked Sid Vicious.

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