Took an hour this afternoon to read some blogs regarding Alzheimer's. Wow people are brave.
In my attempt to write about the issue more, I have been wanting to hide it more.
This week end has been a particularly tough one. I think Jesus may have said the same.
Instead of the Easter Bunny, we had buried Alzheimer bombs around the place. One step near and it triggered either a quick run away or a barrage of painful words.
Davids son was here and usually this helps. For me I had been looking forward to this time to get as many alone opportunities as I could muster. I got two hours to myself during which the house suddenly lost six inches in height from all the dust being swept up. Then I got out for a girlie shopping trip (at last!) during which I discovered I had lost my credit card and I was called back early because I'd given Ben the wrong key and they couldn't get in the house. Simple tiny things and, yet again, my Hulk in Lip gloss appeared. I was a lion greeting a seal. I shouted at David to sit in the car, as he insisted on coming out with me to get food. My raised vicious voice, set him off and he had soon ran across a busy road toward the park.
The only dinner I had were sleeping pills!
Today featured alot more anger, this time from David. It hurt me to hear him not being the embracing, loving father that he is known to be. Both Ben and David ended up coming out with me on a girlie shopping trip only to discover Easter Sunday means the shops are closed. I thought JC got out from the cave to go shoe shopping? Fortunately, in celebration of him being a carpenter Home Depot was open, where we bought lots of flowers. David loves that.
One of his frustrations has been that he feels we are following him everywhere. It's true, we are. Apart from the times when he is following me. So, how do you provide a level of care without it being controlling? How can I say I love you, please trust me, when every so often I scream "when have you ever done anything for me?"
My favorite times are now. David by my side pretending to read a book while sleeping and Max the cat, on the other side, pretending to be Buddha while sleeping.
I still want to see if how I live my life, can have a calming effect on the Alzheimer's, rather than throwing more medication at it, which takes away parts of David that are struggling to survive. He is still there.
When you go to a wedding and find a seating chart, you do not think how mean of the bride and groom to tell us where to go. It's just planning. Using a fancy font. Couldn't this be the same? It gets exhaustive constantly figuring out what the solution is.
The patient needs a break from Alzheimer's as much as the care partner maybe? Sometimes, funnily enough, we all just want to forget.