Thursday, April 19, 2012

Another Step

Today was tough and enlightening.
David suddenly looked at me and said "I don't know who you are."
That was the first time he has said it with such fear and accusation toward me.
He has confused me with other people, imagined that we have just met, or that I'm wealthy, or stealing from him. In all those modes I have still, presumed I was Jayne, or at least a form of me.
To have your husband look at you and scream in a public place; "I don't know who you are" is right up there with the bucket list of experiences you wonder how you would react to.

During the very difficult hour or so that followed in trying to get him back home with me, I felt extremely calm, in control and loving. I could see his pure fright, practically feel it, and his loss of understanding as to everything around him, that with ordinary circumstances is a familiar place - our favorite local book store.

I moved slowly, spoke quietly and gently, kept eye contact and just loved. That's all I wanted to do and that's all that was required.

These sudden moods can arrive so quickly. If I were to paint them, I would paint a tornado. It's as though the mind loses control and picks everything up with it, in an angry, vicious speed.
My advice for anyone with the fear of the what may come - is to be prepared. To stay as local as you can, when you begin to notice that traveling or just being out is becoming difficult.
I'm going to put a photograph of our home in my bag to show him. Perhaps also a photograph of the two of us together, it may help, when this happens again. I kept saying I wanted to take him home, and it was as though he were hearing I want to throw you into a dark, black hole.

We got through it though and for now that episode is closed. I cried later and I send out my love now to every partner, friend, family member who has to handle this. Isn't it a wonder that human beings can switch into a coping mode when required?

"I don't know who you are" he screamed. Me neither to be honest David, though I do know that my love for you, helped me today. Perhaps, as long as we wade through each storm, we'll be OK and we'll work it out eventually.

1 comment:

  1. What a hard and scary moment for you. Thank you for sharing it,and your repsonse to it. This is a fear that I have. I hope I am able to respond with as much love and compassion as you have. Sue

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