Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Giving Up

I have heard this said before and never truly tried it, so here goes.

With arms raised high I declare that I can not solve this and I give up! Not in a sad or a victim manner. I give up with grace and simplicity.

Solutions to Alzheimer's dramas and stress are not easy. Blessed with creativity and a careless regard for telling lies, you would have thought that I of all people would know what to do, how and when. That four years into this lifestyle that I would have written a book by now and Lifetime would be begging for a copy of the script.

Sadly not. Each day presents a new twist. Each day a realization that things are seen through gray colored glasses, everything a foreign language with the wrong subtitles. My stories regarding phone calls that frighten him, then become grand tales which then themselves become issues to worry about. Trips to the grocery store or mail box are like a pilgrimages to a shrine. Fear, dread, a little joy, expansive energy, tenderness, pain, anger, sorrow, boredom and laughter spin out of control every hour.

Some days I wonder if the main problem is in trying to continue life as it was before. Perhaps it would be easier if we both left for Hawaii and lived in the woods somewhere. Locally known as The Crazy Couple.
Or perhaps we could become like the women from Grey Gardens and I could wear a scarf as a skirt, declaring it to be the best fashion of the day.

I don't know. Its obviously not for me to work out. All I know is there has to be a better way. I want a better way. I need a better way. So dear Universe, I give up and trust in you to offer guidance in order to follow our yellow brick road. Please let there be a yellow brick road.

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