Showing posts from 2012

Angry Widow Birds

I once told you something that widows are not meant to express, well here is another one for you, as warning Universe Jayne has hit the mildly angry stage.

I am absolutely sick of being able to sort everything out by myself!

Now of course it is fantastic that I can sort everything out, however, I am sick of it!
I would love, just for once, that there be a man who will help me carry a bag or a box.
A man who will help me work something out OR work it out for me and just tell me the answer.
Bing Bing Bing- there's an idea! Just tell me the bloody answer.

It was so handy that I was born with a heart large enough to include that of a robot. A robot that needs no fuel, no batteries, petrol or water.
Sometimes I want to wear heels and say I broke a nail. Actually NOT to break a nail.
Sometimes I want someone to buy me theater tickets and collect me in a bleedin car.
Sometimes I want someone to say, it will be OK Jayne.

Yesterday, I had to take Mum to the walk in clinic as my own pneumo…

Christmas Morning

My brother and I would be up by four am when we were children on Christmas morning.
We would creep down the stairs to the Christmas Tree to find a mountain of wrapped gifts, that had never been there before. Excitement would then burst noisily forth as we declared the house to be up, awake and celebrating as we screamed; "He's been, he's been!"

I have always loved Christmas. Still do. The magic of the possibility of there being a Santa, has never left my heart.

This year it has been different for me and yet easy not to celebrate with the same passion as I have before. I didn't buy a tree. I didn't try to bake gingerbread, make homemade cards or find a perfect gift. I just allowed it all to slide over and around me. Some of the pine needles hurt and some of the cinnamon fragrance is delightful.

I admit, tonight I stayed up beyond midnight. I thought perhaps it was allowed that a widow had a secret kiss, one last conversation of love or the feeling of warmth f…

My David at Five Months

Dear David,

I am unsure of what to type today, with it being five months ago that you passed away at 4pm on July 20th.
They say everywhere that a widow/widower should not make any major changes for one year. Well they got that right, though who has the luxury of a year? Sadly there is a large part of me that feels as though my care giving job has been completed. The contract is over and I must move on out and away. I hate that. Some say: "Well, you did take care of him." No, I loved him. There is a big difference.
That type of love certainly belongs to our ten years. I imagine you laugh when I say, well I'm not doing that again, and I know you know I mean it.

I am aware of the bitterness and hurt. I am aware of when I feel the me you liked and how much I like that too. I notice how all I want is champagne and warmth, and how I can tell when it's cheap crap and a blanket with holes.
Or when I receive a message, as I did this morning, from such a friend who took a mom…

December 16 2012

When life doesn't make sense, all you can do is breath and look closely to those you care about.

My thoughts of strength and dignity flood to Sandy Hook in CT.

I watched the story unfold with shock and fear, and simply cannot imagine facing anything like this.
As a father of a young, young victim said - "let this not define us."
How does one find such courage and wisdom?

For my dearest friends with children and grand children I send love.
For my own Godson, Step Children and future granddaughter - I wish you to always be close to goodness and kindness.

Let's do what we can to learn and grow.

Bonnie Tyler Total Eclipse

I am learning to let go of my dreams, wishes, needs. I am sending them out and asking for guidance on how they may be cherished by me.
This is the opposite way of how I usually work, which is to be continually pushing, reaching and aiming. In the letting go of that busy-ness, it has given me the soul space to embrace new light around me. Some of that space became heavy and dark, especially so against the brightness of Christmas. For a few days and nights my loss completely drenched me and I never wanted to get up again.

Yet I did and I continue to do so. The reward -  to be gifted with simple joys and breathtaking signs, that take me back to the power of standing in that beautiful quiet of the Arizona desert.

Last night during dinner with a friend, I noticed a couple at the next table. Yes they were obviously happy, connected, enjoying time. Here was the act that grabbed me. He leaned over and gently placed his hands on her face. It was incredibly tender. It took my breath away, as I…


Imagine for a moment that Santa is real. Both children and adults would line up to meet him.

With children the conversation may be:
Santa: What would you like for Christmas?
Happy Child: A barbie and a some Lego please.
Santa: Ho ho, wonderful. Merry Christmas.

With the adults the conversation may be:
Santa: What would you like for this holiday season?
Anxious Adult: Oh dear, I'm not really sure.
Santa: Go ahead just wish out loud.
Embarrassed Adult: How much does it cost?
Santa: The fear of letting go.
Angry Adult: Are you being sarcastic?
Santa: Just tell me what you want more than anything in the world.
Sad Adult: That would be selfish. How can I choose? Should it be
just for me? What about my children? Shouldn't I want world Peace - well of course I want world Peace, would that mean I'd get a new Mercedes though? Mind you I need a new washing machine before a new car and what about my clothes? Just look at my clothes, then a vacation................................

It's not as ea…

Things to Notice

Things that have recently caught my attention.

1) John Travolta's Action Man Doll hairstyle. I don't get it.

2) How on earth do you open Garniers Dark Spot Creme? Truly, it would be easier for a child to pop a champagne cork. It's ridiculously complicated and the instructions are tiny. My reading glasses cannot even help.

3) Sometimes the GPS acts weird. The other day it stated that I was at my final destination, which was a church named "Of Sinners and Saints'. What was it trying to tell me?

4) Repeating a certain word like Sorry or Thank you. I like saying thank you, however I thank people for their thank you. It's annoying because then it sounds sarcastic. Do not get me started with me saying sorry. I'm quitting sorry.

5) When I light a candle next to my bed to relax, the fear of it falling over, exploding or being seen as something naughty from the outside, does not help me to relax. Yet I always try it and end up tense.

6) I have bought a really good full…

Sedonas Secret

When I was eighteen I met an American man who put the thought into my mind about driving in an open top car, to the Grand Canyon.

When I met David, the love of my life, we talked about this dream. This July, when we decided to include a quest for yourself in Davids obituary; I knew I would do a version of the road trip.

I found that courage and am so excited and proud to say I did it!

Flying to Phoenix, Arizona - I rented a red Mustang convertible I named Georgia D.  I drove carefully (I promise) to Sedona, where the next day I drove (carefully I promise) to the Grand Canyon with my Bowie music blasting.

Now truly I struggle for words to describe this entire journey. Usually on trips I lose myself in doing what others need or what laziness/fear only permits while collecting snacks and gifts.
Sedona inspired me to collect me.
It was stunning. Divine. Where I want to live in order to be.
I will never forget turning that bend and seeing the red rocks for the first time.
Yes, I exclaimed…

My David at Four Months

Take My Hand 

I see him running down that English hill
His laugh full of joy, celebrating freedom.
A light shone around him, from him and through him.
My breath pondered. Questioning it’s need to continue.
As I had seen a simple truth in that moment. Love.
I thought to myself;
I either want to be You or be with You for the rest of my life.
Not needing You to turn as I knew your face already.
It was the handsome one with charming smile.
The one who kissed me in a premonition many years ago.
And now, twelve years later I know I received what I asked for.
You gave me time with You and now
You remain beating through my heart.
For that’s the only way I can explain how I move through this dreadful,
Empty, lowliness and loneliness.
I say that I will live for You. To do the things You wanted.
And I know it's your gift, because it's all for me.
To reach the peaks that You never thought You could climb to.
To share words. To illuminate to and for others.
To care. To laugh. To sing. To touch. To kiss. To…

Meet My Editor

Thanks to my writing mentor and teacher - GiGi New, I am back to writing a lot and near completion of a project I've been thinking about for a few years.
It's wonderful to be writing plays again, in the manner that I do it. Which I'm not sharing, otherwise medication will appear on the doorstep.

I am moving into my editing phase on a fourth draft, which is like knowing you are going to have a root canal and yet looking forward to it because of the drugs.

Editing is all about trust.

Which is my bridge to the point of this blog; my latest discovery that I need a personal in real life editor.
I've never been one for stumbling over what I want to say. My words are generally carefully thought out. I consider the other persons ears. I think before I speak. Unless anger is involved then it's out with the cockney wrestler that spits the bitterness, loudly.
Previously I was so busy with work and life that I rarely had the time to not get things wrong. My eyes were focused t…

How to Heal

It's ten am in Massachusetts and I am incredibly fortunate to have time to recognize that I am smiling.

Wrapped in a blanket, still in pajamas I am drinking a good cup of tea and Frasier is playing on the television. The pain in my shoulder is fast asleep, there is no headache, there are no tears.
I remain bereaved and concerned, no to be honest scared about my future. I need to look for work, a new home and to focus on a dream. It all takes tremendous courage and energy to continue and yet right now I am loving just smiling.

Taking a blind stab at it, I am guessing this is how to heal.
To notice everything and then forget everything.
To stop and breathe.
To let go.
To let go of heart, mind and spirit.
To then embrace them all again, welcoming them and saying all will be OK.

I am ignoring the inner voice, who says bitterly, that's easy for you to say.
Because actually it can't be easy - as this is the first time I have had this recognition for years.
Even if the feelings h…

Veterans Day 2012

It is Veterans Day today in the USA. Armistice Day coincided with Remembrance Sunday in the UK yesterday.
I shamefully admit this is the only time I have truly considered the day.

Obviously I know about war. I was at school in London when The Falklands war begun and it was a real threat that older school friends may be enlisted.
My parents were children when they were evacuated in the Second World War. My Mum went to Somerset and she remembers the gas mask in its box held over her shoulder and the fact that her older sister demanded that they stay together. My Dad was sent to Northampton where he promptly returned home on the train by himself. In London, he was forced into a shelter after the house disintegrated underneath a bomb.

This morning I think about the families who visit stones instead of faces and hugs.
I think of those who continue; with their right side focused on regularity while the left side is numb with an ache for loved ones serving overseas. I wonder about the men an…

The Artful Doubters

Three am to five am had become her doubting hours.

She had always been the glass half full, never liked the word bittersweet, even when describing chocolate, and recently had embraced words such as fortunate and blessings.
Yet the doubting hours would trip her, use her as a tango partner and perhaps even deceive her. Tapping her shoulder to awaken, bringing attention to the gnawing idea that struggle was also part of the plan.

After a stolen handful of Halloween candy along with headache pills, closer toward five am, she named these feelings The Artful Doubters. They were the ones strong enough to stop a new document being opened. A title being typed. A stamp being placed on an envelope. A meeting being requested. A dress being bought.
They teased her about writing a blog featuring pointlessness, when people were standing without a roof, or a tree on their car, or continued without power because mother Nature took a violent turn.
She considered being lucky to have those hours, they co…

My David at Three Months

October 22, it is now three months since David passed away.

When asked if I have moved on yet - I am at first angry, then incredibly sad. What does that even mean? To pick myself up! Really, for this loss?

Is it only younger spouses who are told to move on and pick yourself up? Are people too scared to ask that of older people, in case they have a heart attack and actually do move on?

Of course I'm doing my best to keep going. I have no choice. As much as I have always been strong and independent, occasionally I really want a hug and pleasant plans.

I am blessed to have days when I feel connected and certain that I can cope. While other days are suffocating and I am amazed that I even try to continue. Healing is top of my to do list and I'm taking great care not to listen to my negative voice that does not approve of when I do absolutely nothing. Wanting to talk about David and my current concerns is perfectly natural and even required. Crying is to healing as frosting is to …


I went to the beach to find you today
It was empty and beautiful
Windy and the sea was sighing
As eagerly as the grasses waltz.

I asked for signs and a miracle.
I received both in an unexpected way.
Deadlines, for sale signs,
The distance of lawyer words.
Does anyone hear my heart breaking
Would anyone believe it to be mine?

I built my own Stonehenge                                                 
Because I am incredibly strong.
I am expecting too much
Being too open
Talking too much
Trying too hard
Perhaps reaching too far.

In trying to find you, will I ever find me?
Perhaps I will just settle with
Empty and beautiful.

Tama Kieves - thank you

Most of you know that I have just had the privilege to be part of a program at Kripalu entitled Unleash Your Calling facilitated by Tama Kieves.
What is there to say about this experience without including the words amazing and life enhancing?
Well nothing actually, it was amazing and life enhancing.

Kripalu itself is a wonderful institute in The Berkshires, USA. It is predominately a yoga institute. Even for this meat eating, chocolate with artificial flavors, swearing Londoner - I understand the tranquility and sheer magic of the place. I may be one of few who puff as they walk up the incline from the parking lot to the door, I am however also blessed to be touched by the peacefulness.
What happens at Kripalu - does not stay there!

Tama Kieves is an exciting personality to be with. She is honest, strong, vulnerable, inspired and inspiring. She is a facilitator who remains by your side, gently guiding and opening inner door ways with intelligence and humor. …

Inspired and Unstoppable

The flowers are wild, lavish and free
They will always grow, regardless.
Within the meadow; a sweep of purple
A yellow, white and a punch of blue.

Dancing with the confiding breathe 
From an Autumn breeze
Each stem with their own desire to grow.
Yet here, within that distinctive place
They lean in one direction.
Toward the wondrous sky
That holds an incredible sun.

Their heart. Their knowing. Their love.

Together they have created a spirit
Of powerful community.
They are Inspired and Unstoppable
Forever and This Day.

To Tribe with Tama Kieves - at Kripalu Oct 8 to 12 2012.                                                  With love From Jayne

Meaningful Beauty Part 2 - The Crossover

My post regarding the commercial Meaningful Beauty received positive comments from friends. I noticed how hard I fought to allow a compliment to truly resonate. Perhaps I needed to hear the French Doctors voice telling me to listen while putting "melone" on my face. I love the way he says "melone." You should watch the commercial just for that.
The most interesting reaction came from myself to my lovely friend The Jen Smith. 
Hence Jen was inspired to suggest we present a Blog Cross Over today regarding the infamous Meaningful Beauty post. Which means you are to visit Jen on her blog immediately after reading this. You may find her writing at 

So, the facts: When Jen read my Meaningful Beauty post she left the following comment:
I think it's funny that I just mentioned that infomercial to the Anonymous Mother and the next day you posted about it. Are we sharing some brain cells or something??

When I read that, I immediately jumped to th…

Book Giveway Winner

What a great experience it was to take part in the recent blog hop. Thank you Libby Mercer for organizing it and inviting me. Congratulations to all the writers for great postings and for sharing their books.

I enjoyed going through all my comments and your thoughts on what job the birds from Cinderella could do if hired now.

Favorite suggestions ranged from plastic surgeons, working in delinquent centers, running the Haunted Mansion and being undertakers.

I chose my winner - Marie Hahn - congratulations! Marie's idea was that they would make great lawyers.
I loved this as half the time who can understand what a lawyer means? Then if they found anyone guilty, which they would constantly, they could just submit them to a pecking punishment.
Eye for an eye - pound of flesh - you should not bite the hand that feeds you -  the court may eat seed (instead of proceed!) It's endless.

To end here is a favorite quote regarding birds in the best way:

“She decided to free herself, dance …

Secondary Characters - Blog Hop

I am excited to take part in my first blog hop with other writers and inspired by Libby Mercer.
Our invite was to write a post about secondary characters.

When I was at drama school, studying to be a professional actress, a tired, bitter female teacher told me that the only roles I would ever get were the secondary character ones. The quirky and/or plumpies with British cockney accents, often the comedic friend who pops into every episode.
I did not take this news as the negative comment it was meant to be, because those were exactly the acting roles I wanted. Ironically enough, she was totally wrong! I became a successful stage lead, ha just kidding. I failed many auditions and didn't get to be fourthly characters let alone secondary. However, I digress (often and with snacks). Here follows my post on fictional secondary characters.

Thinking about "girly books" I am reminded of one of my favorite chick heroines. That being the wonderful story of Cinderella. Short story run …

Meaningful Beauty and Getting Wiser

Alzheimer's Month - Dr.Jekyll

September is World Alzheimer's Month and it would be remiss of me not to post something.

Since David died, I have not been keen on thinking about the disease. I am on a break.  Somewhere within me, however, is an ambition to do something for Davids honor. He was treated professionally by the hospital, as though he were an experiment. It would be incredible if I could assist in saving others from this, and perhaps for his pain to eventually become part of the reason others do not suffer.
Sounds grandiose I know. I bet they said the same about Clara Barton, or Christiaan Barnard or Dr Jekyll. Well perhaps not Jekyll, though wasn't he the good personality? Actually he was fictional, (kind of) so best not to think about Jekyll.
Anyway, main purpose for this posting is to share the reminder that personal caregivers for an Alzheimer's patient - remain in love with their loved ones.
It is the hardest challenge for patience, tolerance and strength, both emotional and physical.

My David at two months

Today is the two month anniversary that David and I share in our new relationship.
I celebrated my birthday on Tuesday and am so happy and lucky that close friends knew without asking that I required extra attention to move through the day. In fact, I truly have not celebrated a birthday as much as this year, and it's all happened as if by magic.

With the loss of a husband or wife, it is not that the widow or widower need look for reasons to feel sadness, it finds you at the most obvious and oddest moments. A happy memory will easily turn with a knife, while a painful one may suddenly melt into an embrace. I believe I am now doing everything we enjoyed together. Though I avoid a certain supermarket and walking our local roads without David is still not possible.
I truly cannot bear to think about his final resting place.
Though, I do not imagine David as a body. He is a bright dancing light for me. His hello appears with a sighting of a dragon fly - a real one or a picture. And t…

Friends and Sunflowers

Friends episode: "The one where she is acting strange."

This new phase is really sifting out the friends who are up for the challenge of being with me. New and old friends in years, young and older in age, close mileage or long distance.

During a day I will sprint from being winged fairy godmother to raging deranged witch.
From singing "I believe in Angels" which is a line in an Abba song to "Never Mind the Bollocks" by the Sex Pistols, which was a song and a torn t-shirt.
I have perfected the art of changing ones mind. I am that annoying person in the car in front of you who doesn't trust that the green light means go.  I consider every single Vacation Discount-Groupon- Living Social-Anti Social-Living Coupon that pops up on the screen. I've nearly registered and/or bought every self help-retreat-book-CD-seminar-conference-course-self study-on line-in person-drive through-12 step program-tap ball change step- talk to whomever you believe is your …

Agnes and Pulled Pork

Today I ate too much. Well not so much the quantity, just the concoction of items. I must be eight years old, back to the one day when you were allowed to eat all the wrong things, while someone wiser, hopes that you will learn not to mix your foods. 

Pulled pork, red wine and chocolate cake may not be the appropriate food to settle a nervous stomach - it is however great for realizing that change is required in your life.

My world has tumbled and I have no current role to play for anyone. All my attention can, is, sometimes, focused just on me. Time to heal, calm, listen and grow. One step forward, two buttons fixed and a new way to wear a scarf. I'm trying to re create and paint on a canvass that is not blank.
I can pretend along with the best of them, yet the emptiness can bury me in the lack of a heartbeat.

I'm reading "This Time I Dance" from Tama Kieves. I have nearly bought this book many times before and I'm pleased that I waited until now. It's ta…

Are you Off Course?

Following my self indulgent yet honest post yesterday, I feel a tad better today.
So thank you dear blog world of public therapy! Your check is in the post.

Here is my Top Sixteen pointers that suggest you are 'off course' on your life journey.
If you respond yes to one or two points, you are doing OK just remain aware
If you respond yes to more than four points, you need to take a quick hop back on track
If you respond yes to more than eight points, you need to leap back on track
If you respond yes to more than ten points, I know a great therapist

1) You wake up with a hang over from cake rather than alcohol
2) You take photos of yourself to prove you can still smile
3) The term "pop of color" means you put a grey tank top with your black outfit
4) You print MapQuest directions, just in case the GPS is wrong
5) You watched the DNC speeches last night hoping to see George Clooney
6) For the longest time you realize you've been saying GNC instead of DNC
I had alwa…

Cake and Recycling

There is a blog that I enjoy written by Betsy Lerner. She has a skill of writing short posts that engage in lengthy conversation.
Yesterday brought up the question: Who am I?

My answer was: I am a birthday cake delivered to the wrong house at the wrong time with the wrong amount of candles. And that's how I feel.  Hence, you are what you eat, is really true.

It sounds dramatic when I say that I am currently grieving for my last ten years. It is however a heavy truth. I emigrated from the UK with the excited knowledge that I was changing my life. I was moving to a place I loved, to a man I loved and was fortunate to quickly find a job I loved. And I was a size eight.

This summer all of those things have gone, and yes strictly speaking two of them are from my choice. The home and location either embraces with comfort or pokes me by remarking "you shouldn't be here."  The job no longer matches my pace. I would let it down. And the size e…

Pretty Odd Exsistence

Well, it's been one month since David .......................... yep, can't type the words. You know what I mean though. Unless you do not, in which case, you are advised to read older posts! There is no quick "on previous episodes" re cap.
The biggest thing I have discovered in this month has been a tremendous energy that would be described as positive, ambitious and downright fantastical.
My first two weeks featured a to do list highlighting, the completion and selling of a play, training for a half marathon, raising money for Beacon Hospice and spending time in Hawaii.
All very doable, suddenly, even though I hardly move, hardly write, do not raise money well nor have the dollars to go to Fall River every day, let alone a trip to Hawaii.
Yet, in this zone, I imagine that I am now able to do these things and a million others because I have learnt the secret to life. And, whats more, that I have loved and lost, big time and can still face the world with a smile.