Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sharing Wind Chimes

Men and those weak of heart - do not read the following post. It reveals too much!
I should also request that anyone reading from the UK, please stop, as this was told to me from a friend in England. I have her permission to share and the ultimate promise that her name will remain forever hidden. Even if the Clooney offered dinner, dancing and more, I shall never utter the persons name.

After many comments and stories, and recommendations, a friend reluctantly bought a pair of Spanx.
Yes the famous suck it all in and hope for the best undergarment.
First my friend never wanted to buy them for the reason of: "If I need to look that good in a dress, it's to pull a bloke, and if I pull a bloke, how can I keep him keen when he finds The Berlin Wall protecting my goodies?"
Then she decided to give in and wasted a day asking every store for The Sphinx.

Last week she finally got one and today was the day.
Her description of putting it on was "as painfully long and boring as losing my virginity".
Followed by a huge delight of "love the easy access hole."
I had to point out that this was for relieving purposes and not quick sex in the back of a car.
She was slightly disappointed!

Then my favorite piece of her experience. In her own words.
"My stomach is so pulled in, that I can't stop farting. And when I fart, it can't get out and I feel the air traveling down my leg trying to escape!"
Seeing as she was wearing the Spanx for an important job interview, I can only imagine her entertaining this sensation while being asked "what are your most important skills you would bring to this job?"
She also admitted to me that she was "too scared of a nursery school accident" to rely on the easy access hole. "I pulled it all down while my backside blew the 18th overture."
While trying to pull the garment back into place, she broke off a false nail, which remained in the roles of fabric she guessed, as she could not find it again. Plus she had spent too long in the bathroom already (in her opinion) and didn't want for the receptionist to call security.

"I thought I might just chuck the thing in the bin and leave it there. But then I thought they'd think I'd planted a stink bomb......I even sprayed my legs with their air freshener."

 When I asked my friend how did the interview actually go, she said, she had no idea, "but my bum enjoyed it - it was like a wind chime caught in a sail."

Sunday, October 23, 2011


This is no surprise to anyone and everyone who knows me - I'm going to publicly admit that " grown up serious things go over my head!" These grown up serious things fit the following categories:
Politics, religion, sports, war, history, foreign policy and financial issues.
Most Sunday mornings the television show Meet The Press barks throughout our home.
My David used to watch this show like a sponge and I would sit and read, or pretend to read while dozing with open eyes. It's a skill!

Today, I was determined to watch and understand, as I feel like earth is quickly becoming a volcano from the outside in.
On comes Hilary Clinton and within seconds I am starring at her hair, shocked at how dreadful it looks.
Flat to the head, with those flip up wings at the end, that I see as helicopter blades. Is that her own personal mode of transportation? She just tenses up her hair flaps and pops off to Iraq from Pakistan.

Last night we went to see Laurie Anderson. Many people do not know her while some people remember her for that odd song "Oh Superman".
I appreciated the production quality and some of the music. When she was speaking as a man and mentioned corporate America being run by psychopaths, everyone cheered. I don't know why. I don't get it.
I know when things are wrong, but if I don't have an answer, then surely I don't like something only because it does not benefit me?
I'm plain confused. This week on the news we saw Gaddafi before his death covered in blood and looking horrified. We saw a convicted death row killer, who pleaded guilty, who now is going to get a re-trial.
The Occupy Protests are spreading, the IPad gets smaller and does more and some days I have the stuffiness of tobacco in my throat and nose, and I don't know why.
It all goes over my head.

For my Universe

I have had so many thoughts recently for blog posts that could be inspiring for those around me, and yet I can never quite find the words. M...