Thursday, July 7, 2011

What's a bad day like?

Knock knock. Who's there? Alzheimer's. What? No, Alzheimer's who? What?
You get the point.
I miss conversation! Easy banter. Warm loving words. Discussions. Plans. Inspiring stories. A sharing of dreams or the grocery list.

Ninety percent of my time is now spent in pure stress mode. Lost glasses, a lost wallet (now called clothes), what day it is, what time it is. Searches for the three telephones, finding water still running, finding dirty washing spinning in the dryer complete with washing liquid. Keys, the constant checking for keys.

I feel like I'm in a whirlwind and there are moments when I say, just lift your feet up and whoosh I'd be gone.
Anxiety. Fear. Desperation. Giddiness. Need. Want. Now.  All of these things that no longer have names and explanations are jumping beans in my husbands head.

I miss so many things about my marriage. The biggest thing are the ease of words and the ease of a shared silence.Who knew those were privileges?

Taking Tylenol PM quickly I go to bed to forget the day and how sometimes, I dread the next.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Balance

I need to write my blog on a regular basis. I have ideas, and then days go by and when I recognize that I want to write something I have lost my inspired thoughts. Kind of like looking forward to eating grapes, then remembering where you put them to find they now resemble tiny prunes that have invited irritating fruit flies into your kitchen. If fruit is healthy - why does it welcome flies?

There is a heavy issue currently surrounding me regarding cancer and a dear friend. It is on my mind and for sure, is changing me. With respect, I will return to this as my thoughts are evolving.
HOWEVER:

I want to say SCREAM: life is unfair.
I can not sit comfortably imagining that Casey Anthony will be walking through an open door. She can now write her biography and begin her reality show about swimming lessons and party planning. I know I have not followed the case and in this situation there are two hundred sides to the story. Am I being judgmental  in my decision to feel so angry about the verdict?

I did not sleep last night for weighing up two outcomes. Her one and the one that I am having to accept for my friend and his family.
Again I return to the personal responsibility that we all have. The tiny decisions that each day may or may not impact others. The opportunities to support or ignore, and the times we have to watch control float away.

Come on people - what is wrong with us?