Thursday, April 14, 2011

Scott and Sandy Winters

I am pretty well full of feelings and yet at a loss for the right words.
Tonight was the benefit evening for Scott and Sandy Winters. An idea my boss had, with the aim of helping Scotts family as they face cancer.
I have known Scott for nine years. We have laughed about so many things. Including his and my husbands adventures with cancer.

I was, and still am as I type this, in awe of seeing how beautiful Sandy looked and how much pure love glowed from that incrediable woman. Without a single nerve showing, she sung to Scott from her heart as he gazed on, looking as though their love had just arrived. That was courage, strength, a true connection that is rarely seen.

It was an honor to be there - and again I am reminded that I really do not understand our lives. What I do recognize is the bravery of giving everything, because.........what else can you do?
Scott & Sandy - you are remarkable - I love you.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Indulgent Moan

It has been a while since I last wrote.
When I get busy I tend to hide and by that I mean completely disappear and leave my true self standing alone, waiting at a bus stop in the pouring rain, feet feeling soggy in velvet shoes and hair hanging heavy against my cheeks.
That is how I feel, when all I do is work. When all I do is exist as a care partner and not as the lover, or the wife, or even the best friend.

I crave a need to fly to somewhere glorious, wear red and sip Merlot. A man once promised to take me to Vienna to hear music. He died instead. When I got engaged for the first time, in Paris, the moment was tainted by drunk rude group at the next table and my future husband getting frustrated that he was being charged for the champagne. When I got engaged for the second time, my future husband was sad to realize he was in the wrong restaurant and not the one his Mum had given him the gift certificate for.

Why do I mention this? As an example of looking in and never entering because I feel I do not deserve.
Promises are excuses for not doing now.

Yep, I'm tired, a touch on the bitterness side of the martini glass. There are days when I feel like I have been around for eighty or ninety years and that I have not done a damn thing.

Before you see finding the phone in the kitchen sink as an achievement - I encourage you to say yes to the next invite for a weekend in Amsterdam. Then again I guess the grass is always cheaper.....I mean greener!