Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Seasonal Tree

I love December and all the celebrations it brings. Including bright shiny things, cozy wearables and lots of cake.
Every year I have the ambition to have the perfect tree.

Life was good to me, in that it eventually gave me, a man who religiously swings both ways and who loves a REAL tree. Not that there is anything wrong with an artificial tree. I grew up with a magnificent one, that would suddenly appear overnight beautifully decorated by Dad. The living room ceiling would be home to dangling stars and Chinese lanterns in gold and silver foil, remember those? I would make the paper chains and we had those crinkled paper wreaths that were flat, until you unfolded the sides open and clipped them together.

This Saturday was the day Dearest Husband and I chose the tree, quickly named The Clooney Fir.  Following the sixty minute strategic operation that was bringing the tree inside, I calm down with a cup of tea, light pine candles and put music on. (Funny to note, that I light pine scented candles when I have pine tree!) One wishes to create the bright happy atmosphere that decorating a tree deserves. We'd eat popcorn if we had any and wear red Santa hats.  Jolly, jolly, jolly.

So, why do I turn into the girl from the exorcist over baubles and lights? Honestly, if Martha Stewart met Silence of the Lambs guy and had Kathy Bates in Misery as a baby and called them Chucky - they would be more pleasant than me!

"No, I want more lights on it!" I am foaming at one moment. "Yes, we always have a thing on the top - and no, it's not a religious Saint, she's just a bleedin' angel and I can see her price tag so I have to get up that bleedin ladder again!" For those that know me, bleedin' was perhaps a different word and getting up a ladder is like inviting a squirrel to cross the highway wearing a blindfold.

While up the ladder, Dearest Husband is holding onto me so tightly that he is actually pulling me over and I can see the ladder beginning to tip. I reach out to balance myself by holding onto the tree, which is always a bright idea, to get stable by clutching onto something that is not stable!!!

Nothing fell, all was safe, though it did not sound like it and the non religious angel is ashamed of me.
I'm ashamed of me! Honestly, who on earth, North Pole and in Massachusetts am I trying to please with the perfect tree? Does it really matter that I have two red baubles next to one another and that I can't get the tiny bulb to shine on the golden doves wings? Should I really feel guilty about not using the ice skating polar bears I bought last year, simply because the colors do not match "this years theme?"
AND, I will let you know, there's no "back of the tree so it doesn't matter" because The Clooney Fir is placed in the window! Get me, all posh and making a seasonal statement.

Dear Santa - please bring this woman Valium before she tries to decorate the Menorah.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Jayne. Oh, Jayne. Oh, Jayne.

    If I had been there I would have climbed the ladder for you, like the old days.

    Now you know: Next time use wine, not tea.


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