Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sharing Wind Chimes

Men and those weak of heart - do not read the following post. It reveals too much!
I should also request that anyone reading from the UK, please stop, as this was told to me from a friend in England. I have her permission to share and the ultimate promise that her name will remain forever hidden. Even if the Clooney offered dinner, dancing and more, I shall never utter the persons name.

After many comments and stories, and recommendations, a friend reluctantly bought a pair of Spanx.
Yes the famous suck it all in and hope for the best undergarment.
First my friend never wanted to buy them for the reason of: "If I need to look that good in a dress, it's to pull a bloke, and if I pull a bloke, how can I keep him keen when he finds The Berlin Wall protecting my goodies?"
Then she decided to give in and wasted a day asking every store for The Sphinx.

Last week she finally got one and today was the day.
Her description of putting it on was "as painfully long and boring as losing my virginity".
Followed by a huge delight of "love the easy access hole."
I had to point out that this was for relieving purposes and not quick sex in the back of a car.
She was slightly disappointed!

Then my favorite piece of her experience. In her own words.
"My stomach is so pulled in, that I can't stop farting. And when I fart, it can't get out and I feel the air traveling down my leg trying to escape!"
Seeing as she was wearing the Spanx for an important job interview, I can only imagine her entertaining this sensation while being asked "what are your most important skills you would bring to this job?"
She also admitted to me that she was "too scared of a nursery school accident" to rely on the easy access hole. "I pulled it all down while my backside blew the 18th overture."
While trying to pull the garment back into place, she broke off a false nail, which remained in the roles of fabric she guessed, as she could not find it again. Plus she had spent too long in the bathroom already (in her opinion) and didn't want for the receptionist to call security.

"I thought I might just chuck the thing in the bin and leave it there. But then I thought they'd think I'd planted a stink bomb......I even sprayed my legs with their air freshener."

 When I asked my friend how did the interview actually go, she said, she had no idea, "but my bum enjoyed it - it was like a wind chime caught in a sail."

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