HGTV Design Star

Dear HGTV Design Star -
I deserve a bedroom make over because I cannot for the life of me choose a paint color.
Currently I awake every morning and my first reaction is to scream as I peer to my left and face a wall that
perhaps Picasso on Ecstasy would say "wow I'm liking it."

It looks as though a painter from Arizona was murdered with a blunt knife while eating chocolate cake with yellow frosting. We have creme, blue (which said it was gray) pink (which said it was red) orange, salmon, rust and the original color of prison green. Each color owns its own large patch, some neater than others.

Anyone sensible may just paint a small square - I however can't trust a small square. Depending on where the light falls a red turns to a mauve which turns to a pink, so how can you commit from one small square? That's like being satisfied with only eating one square of chocolate instead of the entire bar. Impossible!

Also - why are cushions so expensive? $104 for one bedroom cushion which features a lobster on it! Who on earth, apart from Hugh Hefner, desires a lobster on their bed?
So please HGTV - send your manly men carpenters in their tight t-shirts (there's always one on the set) and I promise to gasp with tears at the reveal and say how the experience has changed my outlook on life.