Posts

Showing posts from 2011

Boys in Red Cars

When I am off on a car journey by myself, I admit, it catapults me into a wondrous world, where I am glamorous, gorgeous and incredibly confident. My Kia becomes the universe where I know exactly the right thing to say at the right time. Where I can sing like Maria Carey and all my ambitions have occurred.

Recently I have been acting out my "Majorca" screenplay when driving, and during today's trip I found the perfect end clip. The final joke that completes the theme running throughout the movie. The bit that has people telling others to watch till the credits end. As I'm thinking this piece up, I'm aware of a sporty little red car overtaking me. A few moments later and now I find myself overtaking the same car. This happens twice.

Call me a daft old bat, because I think - well the handsome driver has seen me and we have a car flirtation going on. These occurred many times during my London Best Friend Brenda days - where boldness was as thick as our mascara and a…

Merry Christmas

Sending warmest love and joy to all today. Lets forget all the laws of what may be and enjoy what it is. For those of us fortunate to have what we need Surely that is all we truly want.

Lots of love to friends, pets and family. Jayne xx

In search of Jimmy Tarbuck

Image
You know when people claim to see Jesus on their carpet stain and believe it's a message? Well tonight, I found a strength while thinking about Jimmy Tarbuck. Hence my new empowered thought - The Jimmy Tarbuck Theory.

For those in the USA, Mister Tarbuck OBE is a popular British comedian. For those in the UK - well you know who Tarby is. So here is the journey to my theory and like all stories it has two paths.

One begins in London on a Sunday afternoon when I am traveling with my brother, his wife and two handsome male singers in the back of a tour bus for the brilliant tribute show - Want U Back - http://www.takethattribute.com/#!gigs

David and Michelle had arranged a surprise for me. I knew we were driving to a theater to see a show, I didn't know which show and the choices are interesting considering it's a Sunday. I had read that Jimmy Tarbuck had a show in town and I hoped and declared that it wasn't to see him. NOW of course if anyone connected to the Tarbuck F…

Breaking News

I have just heard on the news that they predict a shortage of chocolate in eight years time.
So in 2019 you may pay $20 for an Almond Joy, if you are lucky!
Can you imagine a shortage of chocolate?
They might ban Easter.
People will set up their own cocoa brewery in their basements and sell bars illegally.
You'll see code words on Bodybook (Facebook is bound to be upgraded by then) People will be selling batches of dark chocolate in exchange for a car or a small child perhaps.
Addicts will meet in back yards and suck quietly on a Hershey's (marijuana will be legal by then.)
"Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" may become the new bible and we will celebrate The Savior Wonka and his three wise oompa lumpas every December.
OR...do you think I'm paying too much attention?

Seasonal Tree

I love December and all the celebrations it brings. Including bright shiny things, cozy wearables and lots of cake.
Every year I have the ambition to have the perfect tree.

Life was good to me, in that it eventually gave me, a man who religiously swings both ways and who loves a REAL tree. Not that there is anything wrong with an artificial tree. I grew up with a magnificent one, that would suddenly appear overnight beautifully decorated by Dad. The living room ceiling would be home to dangling stars and Chinese lanterns in gold and silver foil, remember those? I would make the paper chains and we had those crinkled paper wreaths that were flat, until you unfolded the sides open and clipped them together.

This Saturday was the day Dearest Husband and I chose the tree, quickly named The Clooney Fir.  Following the sixty minute strategic operation that was bringing the tree inside, I calm down with a cup of tea, light pine candles and put music on. (Funny to note, that I light pine scen…

Addicts

On Friday night I discovered a brand new experience that I have wondered and pondered about for a few years. In fact, I feel kind of embarrassed to admit that I have never tried before, despite being tempted many a time. I've seen people do it, I've been encouraged to do it and now I've done it and I can see why people get addicted.
Throwing all caution slowly into the air with a puff of smoke, I advise you to get to your local Shaws supermarket. This is my dealer.
They are running the Wish Big Win Big holiday giveaway. Which basically is a beginners introduction to voucher land. The more grocery shopping you do, the more tickets you receive.
Previously in my shopping world I have dabbled with the odd dollar off from sparkling water and the buy ten for five cat food. For the most part however, vouchers are the things I discover at the bottom of my bag along with dust, one paperclip and two discolored mints.

Friday night, after reading the game rules, I was pretty excite…

London Shopping

Christmas shopping is well & truly under way in London. Their halls are decked and Father Christmas
is already yawning. I have loved wandering around and here are ten things that are different in London compared to Massachusetts:

1) Marks and Spencers - a store where you can buy a great pair socks, a great pair of trousers and a great stuffed chicken
2) Cherry Bakewells
3) Digestive Biscuits - chocolate coated cookies
4) Celebrity, get me out of the Jungle  - funny TV show where celebrities are forced to face spiders, snakes and things that make cockroaches look pretty
5) Bluewater & Lakeside Shopping Centers - funnily enough I still can't find anything to wear, apart from a pair of boots that suggest I could be part of a pantomime horse
6) A Burning Bush is not biblical
7) Driving on the LEFT!
8) EastEnders - tv soap opera where lips are pinched and people scream "wotcha ya doin?"
9) Emmerdale - tv soap opera where the main family are The Dingles
10) Really good…

Blazers

On December 24th a small child maybe seen peering from a window, face angled toward the sky.
Waiting. Excited and knowing.
Their expression matches mine, every single time I walk into a clothing store. Every single time! What's wrong with me?
On this trip I wanted a blazer. A blazer! Remember them? Why don't we have women's blazers anymore? Who stole them? The school uniform thief?

Yes, there are coats and jackets. Plenty of jackets that stop at your waist. If like me, you have a love seat as a backside, one cant do anything that stops at the waist.

All I want in life is to wear a pair of jeans, a shirt and a jacket. A jacket that covers! AND, lets not talk about jeans. Jeans that fit my legs, leave Grand Canyon gaps around the waist. The store called The Gap was created by me. Jeans that fit at the waist, well, they cant even get there for all the Body Mass Index that are known as my thighs. Belts are pointless by the way and the trend of boys pants hanging at the hips wa…

Beginning

She looked down and smiled.
So, it was all about science after all.
The scars, healed and unhealed. The laughter, stolen. The love, secretly kept in a drawer in the kitchen, marked recipes, so nobody would know. All about science.

Hey eyes widen seeing the cliff top, the village disappearing within a yellow haze. The church seemed as though a child were erasing the steeple. It was silent. She and it stared upon one another, like old friends meeting unexpectedly at an airport. I'm going this way, and you?

Carefully and strangely with ease, she moved her arms and turned toward the other side of the village.
Her favorite side, where it had all started. Here the haze were even thicker and lights from homes attempted to shine out in declaration of permanence.

Peering and peering. Dipping as low as she dare, she saw it. The tips of the pointed rooftop with it's four pink chimney tops. She was disappointed to find no smoke swirling seductively from them. On the side, the wooden frame…

Andy Rooney

This morning I read on line that Andy Rooney has died at 92.
What a guy. I only knew him because of 60 minutes and I only knew 60 minutes because it came on before The Amazing Race.
Listening to Mr.Rooney was soon tradition and I loved his words, even if I disagreed with him.
So in tribute, here is my Andy Rooney style post.....

I don't like it when young people (and by that I mean those in their forties seeing as I'm in my nineties)
waste time by feeling sorry for themselves. These people wake up feeling sad, and decide to go to therapy to work out what's making them sad. What they explore is even more stuff that makes them sadder and what's worse, half of those issues, they can't do anything about now, because its too late. Can they now just focus on what was currently making them sad? No, because they feel too worn out and unmotivated by the deeper sadness.
So then decide to spend more money by going into hypnosis to uncover the even deeper sadness in order to…

Sharing Wind Chimes

Men and those weak of heart - do not read the following post. It reveals too much!
I should also request that anyone reading from the UK, please stop, as this was told to me from a friend in England. I have her permission to share and the ultimate promise that her name will remain forever hidden. Even if the Clooney offered dinner, dancing and more, I shall never utter the persons name.

After many comments and stories, and recommendations, a friend reluctantly bought a pair of Spanx.
Yes the famous suck it all in and hope for the best undergarment.
First my friend never wanted to buy them for the reason of: "If I need to look that good in a dress, it's to pull a bloke, and if I pull a bloke, how can I keep him keen when he finds The Berlin Wall protecting my goodies?"
Then she decided to give in and wasted a day asking every store for The Sphinx.

Last week she finally got one and today was the day.
Her description of putting it on was "as painfully long and boring a…

Hairdressing

This is no surprise to anyone and everyone who knows me - I'm going to publicly admit that " grown up serious things go over my head!" These grown up serious things fit the following categories:
Politics, religion, sports, war, history, foreign policy and financial issues.
Most Sunday mornings the television show Meet The Press barks throughout our home.
My David used to watch this show like a sponge and I would sit and read, or pretend to read while dozing with open eyes. It's a skill!

Today, I was determined to watch and understand, as I feel like earth is quickly becoming a volcano from the outside in.
On comes Hilary Clinton and within seconds I am starring at her hair, shocked at how dreadful it looks.
Flat to the head, with those flip up wings at the end, that I see as helicopter blades. Is that her own personal mode of transportation? She just tenses up her hair flaps and pops off to Iraq from Pakistan.

Last night we went to see Laurie Anderson. Many people do…

Dream Meanings

Had an odd dream last night about someone I know, who was acting as a magician, including black top hat and those trousers with a shiny black line down them. His magic tricks were pretty poor and incredibly slow.
I was chosen from the audience to take part, mainly because I could pretend to be amazed at when a toilet roll appeared from behind my shoulder. There was something about coffee and a doll as well.
I told you it was odd.
Some dreams stay with you for the day don't they. As though they are begging to be solved like mini episodes of a long running drama. The peculiar feeling I had during the dream, stayed with me all day.
No matter what issue I was trying to solve, the magician was right there, and it felt like nothing got solved.
Again, I told you it was odd.
Come to think of it, I have dreamt about magic shows before and they always feature me being selected from the audience to participate.
Perhaps it's something from a script, begging to be brought out from the draw…

Dancing with the Stars

Congratulations to me, I stayed away from Rachel Zoe tonight to catch the end of Dancing with the Stars.
Or Dancing with the Who are they Stars - as most of them were not familiar to me.

It's funny with the fuss over Chaz Bono, that I see all the women looking like they are men dressed in drag - there is so much thick make up going on. Eyelashes do their own twists and they have made Nancy Grace look like a pantomime dame. British reference, sorry America! No wonder she farted live on the show last week - so I hear. Maybe she's getting ready to endorse Depends?

Susan Boyle made an appearance, singing not dancing. In fact I'm not sure she actually moves. I swear a puppet master was under her dress forcing her arms to stretch at one point. Her voice does not match her pained, sad expression, nor her bad hair day which I think is a knitted hat. Did you see the dancers in front of her? Both with sandpaper as thongs, for their faces too were screaming ouch. It's a pity her…

CareGivers

Any experience is different for each individual. There is no standard way of responding to anything. On top of this, as a care giver you feel like you are the only one dealing with issues. On top of that, you feel guilty, because you know there are other people with far harder situations to deal with.  I am certain too, that the patient feels completely alone with the diagnosis reminding them that they are no longer who they once were.
It becomes a circle.

It would be totally remiss of me to say to anyone "I know how you feel."
You know what I would like to say and hear: "How do you feel?"


Do you realize how guilty I feel being the well one? Do you know how ashamed I am when I complain and moan about something trivial like a door banging or a burnt piece of toast? Do you understand that part of me is dying and I am saddened that it is only emotional as it can't match the physical  time left for my husband?
Do you know that I watch him sleeping and whisper &quo…

Rachel Zoe - again

Lieyeke, ohhhhhhhhh, woooow,  realeeeeeeeeeey, seeick.

Yes, I got sucked in and delighted with watching Rachel Zoe again. Honestly, tomorrow I am sending that woman a gift basket of pineapple pieces. The poor thing. Can you imagine, she is happily married, running her own business that she loves, living in a house she adores and is pregnant. What??? Why aren't people helping her? Quick Bono - start a fund!
 Let me just write that description again so you can realeeeeey get the seeeick point. She is married to a scruffy guy who she loves because she can wear the Valentino trousers she chose and boss him around, which he accepts while drinking Perrier water and peeking behind his hair. She has a fabulous business in fashion - not a part time job packing shelves in Shaw's Supermarket which she leaves at seven am to get to her real job, which is packing canned peaches till nine pm. She is living in a mini mansion with white walls, not a hospital unit with green walls and is nine m…

50/50

Saw the new movie 50/50 yesterday and I loved it.
It sounds peculiar to declare such enjoyment for a movie regarding cancer. I even felt odd with my keen interest to see it.
Pushing that aside, I went and was blown away by a script that is so simple and honest, with subtle acting from Joseph Gordon-Levitt and in particular Anjelica Huston.
Included in this cancer story is the father with Alzheimer's, and I admit when it was mentioned, my eyes rolled and I waited for the rude, bland comedy of forgetfulness. I was so wrong. The scenes involving the father were perfect; watch toward the end as the family walk up to the doctor for an update. Again I have to use the word subtle. It is those little things that make the big story. I would like to count up how many lines Anjelica Huston actually had, because her story was so complete in few words and actions. Damn good woman!!
Thank you to Will Reiser for taking his own personal experience with cancer and writing this script. It's in…

45 th Birthday Lesson

First surprise came when I worked out my age and realized I was two years younger than I thought.
I believe I always do this and yet I love the joy of getting back those two years.
It's funny how 45 sounds better than 47. Seeming that I now have this secret "by the time I'm 50" phrase going on, my dreams feel attainable again with two more years on the Outlook calender.
In my actual reality, the aged number and the number of years means nothing. I just use it as one of my comfort foods. Like the quick indulge of an Almond Joy, which seems less authentic than a whole Sneakers bar.

Second surprise occurred on the day before my birthday. During that day I laughed so much and so hard that I swear I felt as powerful as Moses facing a swimming pool. Highlight was (probably) one of those, you had to be there moments involving nail polish, wax and feet. It certainly wins my Emmy award for slight deafness and timing.
Which leads me into the birthday lesson - Listening Skills…

September in Massachusetts

Massachusetts had the most glorious weather today. Yesterday we were sweating in a moody eighty while being supervised by dark grey clouds.

Today; absolute bright blue sky and a sharp coolness that reminds me of when you first step into the ocean.
I love Autumn here. The sun is bright on purpose to highlight the many shades of gold, yellow, orange and rust. I love the surprise of the sun embracing you as you turn a corner, flooding a Summer warmth, as if to say I'm not going away forever. I love seeing pumpkins, saying the word pumpkin, and remembering that we always go to a pumpkin festival this time of year.

I love going out and buying a sunny pot of Mums for my neighbor and I, so that our front doorways smile at one another. Bringing my beloved cardigans and scarves to the front of the wardrobe, knowing that my legs and arms can officially hide, instead of being the odd ones out in the land of t-shirts and shorts.

On Sunday I will sit on the beach, wrapped in a blanket, drink c…

It Felt Love

I opened a book at random just now asking for advice. I wanted to share the poem that greeted me.

How
Did the rose
Ever open it's heart

And give to this world
All its
Beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light
Against its
Being,

Otherwise,
We all remain

Too

Frightened.

Hafiz

Peace - 911

Who am I to say anything about the tenth anniversary of 9 11?
Watching the tributes, hearing and reading about the stories I am in awe of humanity.
That there is within people a line to survive and to help, and a line that is to destruct and prove something without care for others. It frightens me that we expect to share the same planet.

With any death, it is both absurd and calming that life continues. That children are born, that seeds are bought to grow and people say I do with hearts full of hope and love.

Personally, this year, I am understanding more about peace. Inner, world, quiet, pudding, prize or movement.
I want it all.

Anyone who has been effected with a loss because of 9 11 - my love and respect reaches to you.
Nothing makes any sense apart from that.

Rachel Zoe,Toddlers and Tiaras

My switch off and zone out TV indulgence tonight was The Rachel Zoe Project followed by two episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras.

There is something about Rachel Zoe that I really like and I think I want to be her. Or should I say to be like her.
Here's the thing - everything she says includes a despairing sense of doom and gloom. One cannot tell whether it's a positive doom/gloom thing or truly a disastrous one. You would usually study someones expression to gather a clue as to which, however Zoe only has two expressions.
Those are; one: with sun glasses and two: without sunglasses. It is tough to decipher.
Example one: "Oh my goodness it makes me so, soooo mad...........it's sooooooooo good."
Example two: "Oh my goodness it makes me so, like sooooooooooo mad........I just don't know."
She would be an incredible spy because you really cannot tell what she means. Plus, no matter how busy her schedule is, there is always a scene of Zoe and her gay possib…

Fig Butter Recipes

I am happily surprised when I taste an adult food to discover that it is likable and sweet. Fig butter is a great example.
My friend Karen makes the most elite picnic sandwich you will ever experience. I say experience, because she makes them "live" on a beach with seagulls licking their becks saying "no way!"
The picnic sandwiches I make are two basic slices with something in the middle, not even cut and thrown into a zip lock bag.
Karen arrives with a loaf of freshly baked walnut bread. Then out of a bag we find pots, YES, containers of the sandwich contents. We have balsamic vinegar mixed with Greek olive oil, arugula, ricotta cheese and the now infamous fig butter.

Let me just say that being from London, I was once described as a snob because I bought uncut white bread from a bakery. I was (still am)  in constant need of approval and have never purchased fresh bread since.
Balsamic vinegar, I had never heard of before my emigration, (one imagines I came over on…

Matthew McConaughey - The Inarticulate Lawyer

Proving that you can't have it all, I move my attention to Matthew McConaughey.

He is a good looking man and I can see why movie directors include at least one scene that features Matthew without a shirt on. I now add a mumbled, however. Mumbled, because, quite simply I can only understand one in four sentences that he utters. I guess he has a fear of the dentist and has bad teeth, as he never opens his mouth, unless it is to suck on some actresses body who simply asked him "what did you say?"

I just watched "The Lincoln Lawyer" and for the first hour thought I was on a foreign station lacking subtitles.
The story is so confusing that I ponder, was he cast because of his lack of diction?
What is he saying? What is the story? What on earth were they thinking when the mother shows up with her tight suit and matching hair bun? For a moment, I thought she was going to say; "and I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you dastardly kids."
I…

Oh my lucky stars - Chinese Style

Wanting to write a quick blog, I took a trip down memory lane and looked up my star sign for today, however I found the option to look it up through the Chinese horoscope. So here it is.............(I'm a horse by the way.)

Progress with little increase in effort comes easily to hard working artists, artisans and performers at this time.
That being said, the moment you do devote a little more elbow grease, you may notice that it has little effect. The sense that working harder makes no difference could cause lethargy. 

Honestly - what is the point of letting me know that with a little effort I will progress and yet the more I do it will not make any difference? AND, further more, because I know it will not make any difference I become lethargic. Which is not a desire of mine to be described as such. "Oh yes, I like Jayne, she's sweet sometimes and mostly lethargic."
Because Virgos worry, I am concerned that I will not recognize when my little increased effort goe…

HGTV Design Star

Dear HGTV Design Star -
I deserve a bedroom make over because I cannot for the life of me choose a paint color.
Currently I awake every morning and my first reaction is to scream as I peer to my left and face a wall that
perhaps Picasso on Ecstasy would say "wow I'm liking it."

It looks as though a painter from Arizona was murdered with a blunt knife while eating chocolate cake with yellow frosting. We have creme, blue (which said it was gray) pink (which said it was red) orange, salmon, rust and the original color of prison green. Each color owns its own large patch, some neater than others.

Anyone sensible may just paint a small square - I however can't trust a small square. Depending on where the light falls a red turns to a mauve which turns to a pink, so how can you commit from one small square? That's like being satisfied with only eating one square of chocolate instead of the entire bar. Impossible!

Also - why are cushions so expensive? $104 for one bedroo…

Alzheimer's Peace

If I eat any more comfort food - there will be a famine in Massachusetts.
If I chew my nails any more - I will have reached my elbows.
If I take any more head ache pills - I will fail a drug test.
If I roll my eyes any more - I will be mistaken for a slot machine.
If I accept all the above and title it as my normal, then
If I continue to love this much - I will have done my job
And in that there is my peace.



Love you David x

What Not to Wear & Ten reasons why (#6) I should be on that show

Stacey and Clinton have returned with What Not To Wear. Any readers (ha readers!) with a life, need to know this is a TV show. TV is that square thing in the corner that you play for background noise as you get ready for 1) last minute trip to St.Johns or 2) the Tea Party Rally in DC  or 3) Nightclub Ultima in New York.

For me without much going on, I am pleased to see the shows return. It is your traditional make over show, where they lie about throwing the victims entire wardrobe away and send them shopping alone for two days in New York until a break down is on the fashion horizon and said hosts, come to a trendy rescue. I sit and complain, drawl, laugh, swear, scream "shes already pretty" or "you have got to be kidding!" Pretty good fun as you sit with slippers on and your hands still dripping from cleaning the bathroom. (By the way I can not recommend Mr.Clean enough! Used the Mr.Clean kitchen eraser pad tonight on the downstairs bathroom and it was fantasti…

Gaslight - the remake

In the movie, Gaslight, Ingrid Bergman is driven slowly mad by her cruel husband, who tries to convince her that she is doing things when she is not. The only thing that remains in place is the bun in her hair.

I wonder if I am in the modern version? Where a group of people decide to destruct me, comically, bit by bit.
This week I have been feeling as though I want to pull my skin off. Literally, tear my own skin from my bones with the utter frustration, fear and sadness that follows me around.

For a time, I thought magical living was possible. That we controlled our own lives through our thinking and the thoughts we sent into the universe. Boy was I wrong. That was pure luck and the only year I was obviously allowed to have it.

Now whenever I call out for support, I know to expect the very thing that arrives will slam me down.
I just got told I did not have a conversation, when I know very well that I did have the conversation only an hour ago. And my dear readers (ha readers!!) that…

Kindle - our generations

As Charlie Kindel prepares to leave Microsoft for new adventures. Your very own Jayne now comes complete with her very own Kindle.

For the older generation readers (ha! readers!!) Or should I type for THE OLDER GENERATION
a Kindle is the new electronic book.
I personally devour books, my favorite places include book shops. The weight of a book, the smell of the pages. So I never imagined I would like the Kindle as much as I do and I love it.
Its pretty different when purchasing a book - as I tend to choose and judge a book by its cover.
Plus I like to flip to a page to see if I understand a sentence or two. You can still do those things, just electronically.

Into my first book I found myself stupidly thinking "wow its exactly the same as reading a book."
Kind of like when I first used a computer instead of a typewriter. Younger readers (ha readers!!!) Or should I type for The Younger Generation can look that word up in their history section on Kindle/Nook/Facebook/IPad/Knee…

Ten Reasons Why #5

Ten Reasons why you should suspect your partner is cheating on you with food:

1) they find reasons why they are the only one to clean the kitchen at nighttime and yet the kitchen is never clean
2) the Chinese Take Away is speed dial #1 on their cell phone
3) you find chocolate smudges on their clothing
4) they have started to wear elasticated waists
5) they say they hardly eat anything and yet they're not skinny
6) the only time they take out trash is when they are throwing out bags from their home office
7) sometimes the car just smells of McDonalds
8) the chocolate cake in the fridge gets smaller bit by bit
9) the Dunkin Donuts staff pass coffee without asking what the order is
10) their email is full of bonus points from Panera bread and other shady venues where people slip a five dollar bill into a tasty pastry

You know I'm right!






Ten Reasons Why #4 Today could have been better

Ten reasons why one should question yourself before doing anything:
OR ten reasons why you should never take advice from me on how to handle a sad mood

1) Why would one actually expect the right answer when one calls out to the universe "send me a sign"
2) Why would anyone seriously look at the next email as being the answer to example number one
3) Why would anyone spend 30 minutes then looking at the email which is a Sandals vacation to St.Lucia; to the point of even chatting with the sales person to ask if you could pay with installments.
4) Why would anyone think that example number 3 above would cheer themselves up
5) Why would anyone overweight and exhausted, think that a Sandals vacation would be good for her and her sadly confused husband (That is a screenplay right there!)
6) Why would anyone be surprised that they then cry for an hour
7) Why would anyone think that then going on a binge of coffee, French Crullers and Pretzel M&Ms would make them feel better
8…

Ten Reasons Why #3 Its time to.......

1) time to clean your house when mice pack their bags to leave
2) time to clean your house when tumbleweeds of dust roll through the kitchen
3) time to get a new hobby, when you re-think the planning of your own birthday celebration, because "the TV is good that week"
4) time to get a new hairstyle when even your hairdresser wont phone you back with an appointment date
5) time to get a life, when you awake from a fantastic dream that featured you as a character at Disneyland where your best friend was Sleeping Beauty (Is it at or in Disneyland?)
6) time to get more friends, when the only voice-mail messages you receive are from CVS telling you your medications are in
7) time to get more insight, when your highlight of the day was hearing a child in Loews say "but I've wanted a flashlight all my life!"
8) time to admit you have a problem with guilt, when you feel so bad about agreeing to cut down a tree in your garden, even though it is causing damage. (I can…

Apologies..........................

Please forgive me, dear man, who was jogging on the path by Buttonwood Park today at approximately 4pm.
I was driving. You were jogging, in slow motion (how did you do that?)
You were jogging on your way to fitness while I was driving to DunkinDonuts.
The traffic had slowed, at first I thought for lights and now I wonder if it were simply a line of drivers (male and female) slightly braking just to catch a glimpse of you.
I am not a fan of people walking, running, gardening, working without shirts on. Unless you are at the beach, swimming pool or getting lucky.
You, Mister Buttonwood 2011, as I will now remember you, you must have invented shirtless.I bet your family tree leads you back to Adonis.
Oh my, what a great vision of tan and muscles. What a great chest, as the furniture salesman said to another.
I remember the doll of the Bionic Man, he had a chest like yours. Not in size of course, that would be weird.
Action man too, though he had that little scar on his face, that made …

My Positive Friday Morning 10am to 10:15am

This is a great morning and here is how I look at it:

My main duty today is to print & organize clues for a large program I have on Tuesday.
We are talking about 1,000 various print outs, folded, stuck and organized into divisions.
Approximately 5 hours work.
So my positive spin is: it is great, just great, when your printer jams on the very first page!

My lovely, lovely husband has a different ailment each day. We have had blindness in one eye, lack of a throat, lumps in the stomach and now we have a pain in the foot. All deserve love, and for David he wants immediate medical attention.
So my positive spin is: I'm glad it's only Alzheimer's and not the real problems happening.

I am truly pleased that I just received an email saying that a long lost relative in Xigwangcoxlin has inherited $10,0000 and just needs my bank information. Followed by a phone call declaring that I have just won a Caribbean cruise.

Honestly - this just happened in the last 15  minutes. It'…

The theory of the young and older

In my younger, slimmer, perkier days I had a theory; the first time you gave a new man a blow job, your mascara would never smudge. One would look as gorgeous as the receiver was picturing. The second time, same man, ones mascara would double and the receiver would be faced with Gene Simmons in another type of Kiss mode. One would never know this until you caught a reflection of yourself or the man had screamed and fainted, which you mistook as blissful joy.
Which is why, gentleman, you only really get one good blow job from the same woman - because she is thinking of her mascara!

Now that I am in my older, heavier, lower days and a blow job means the vacuum cleaner is not working , I have a new theory.
When one is getting ready in the morning and quickly winds up their longish hair and simply mounts it to the back of the head with a plastic claw grip, they will look in the mirror and say; "Wow that doesn't look bad, I will leave it like that. Hair spray will keep that baby …

Scott Winters

What can be said about today?
I am at a loss to put words to so many feelings.
I am no newcomer to funerals, memorials and not someone who has not lost a friend before, and yet,
I can not move my Rolodex from your name.
Perhaps my high respect for you has no where to go. After all, you brought me two degrees from Kevin Bacon! Then I realize it doesn't have to go.
As it was said earlier with two perfect eulogies, your children are magnificent shadows, they now move into their own sunshine. We have so much to look forward to in that regard. Sandy too, there are achievements yet to come that will inspire us.
Driving away down the road, through Providence and all I want is to send a confirmation and ask if you can pick up another bag as "they added another team!"
Life is odd, I guess we all know that. If there is a lesson, it is the one you gave to all of us and that is:
"That everything is great."

Ten Reasons Why #2

Ten reasons why:   I know I cannot live in a really hot climate

1) me wearing sunglasses resembles a little kid with her first pair of glasses. no matter which pair I buy, they just look stupid. Audrey Hepburn, Jackie O and Doris the Explorer
2) shorts! what is wrong with people! why do men get long & baggy, while women either get sexy, tight or the elasticated waist get Grandpa excited look
3) thong bleedin sandals hurt me. I don't want my toes being segregated
4) once we hit the eighties my thighs stick together
5) once we hit the nineties my thighs down to my knees stick together. I currently look like a walrus
6) drying my hair with a hairdryer is pure torture in hot weather
7) when I stop moving, I am like a car whose water from the air conditioner trickles, in that a pool of sweat trails behind me (yep really attractive).
8) I am so full of water my stomach slooshes
9) tan lines on my double chin (yep really attractive)
10) sitting on the beach I constantly smell bacon …

Ten Reasons Why # 1

Here are ten reasons why:     In a previous life I was a dog.

1) love bacon -  I laugh every time that commercial for beggin bacon comes on with the dog who says "I'd get it myself but I got no thumbs! I love you I love bacon I love you I love bacon"
2)  totally adore driving with my windows open, I would stick my head out if I could
3)  despite being on two feet, I am still close to the ground
4)  do my own version of chasing my tail - that's a regular day for me
5) as a kid I cried all the time when Lassie was on - must be jealous that some other bitch got my movie role
6)  get so excited when going to the beach
7)  love food, cuddles and sleeping
8) get scared now when I hear Sarah McLuhan singing. I used to love "In the Arms of the Angel" - now
I just think of that unwanted pet commercial and get sad. It must be a huge decision for an artist to agree for their music to be on a commercial.
9) want to eat anything I find on the floor
10) bathroom visits …

What's a bad day like?

Knock knock. Who's there? Alzheimer's. What? No, Alzheimer's who? What?
You get the point.
I miss conversation! Easy banter. Warm loving words. Discussions. Plans. Inspiring stories. A sharing of dreams or the grocery list.

Ninety percent of my time is now spent in pure stress mode. Lost glasses, a lost wallet (now called clothes), what day it is, what time it is. Searches for the three telephones, finding water still running, finding dirty washing spinning in the dryer complete with washing liquid. Keys, the constant checking for keys.

I feel like I'm in a whirlwind and there are moments when I say, just lift your feet up and whoosh I'd be gone.
Anxiety. Fear. Desperation. Giddiness. Need. Want. Now.  All of these things that no longer have names and explanations are jumping beans in my husbands head.

I miss so many things about my marriage. The biggest thing are the ease of words and the ease of a shared silence.Who knew those were privileges?

Taking Tylenol PM …

The Balance

I need to write my blog on a regular basis. I have ideas, and then days go by and when I recognize that I want to write something I have lost my inspired thoughts. Kind of like looking forward to eating grapes, then remembering where you put them to find they now resemble tiny prunes that have invited irritating fruit flies into your kitchen. If fruit is healthy - why does it welcome flies?

There is a heavy issue currently surrounding me regarding cancer and a dear friend. It is on my mind and for sure, is changing me. With respect, I will return to this as my thoughts are evolving.
HOWEVER:

I want to say SCREAM: life is unfair.
I can not sit comfortably imagining that Casey Anthony will be walking through an open door. She can now write her biography and begin her reality show about swimming lessons and party planning. I know I have not followed the case and in this situation there are two hundred sides to the story. Am I being judgmental  in my decision to feel so angry about the v…

Here we are again

I know, I know better. I often scream "I wish I could quit you!" Of all people, I recognize how short life is and how pointless it is to get caught up with material issues. Especially materials that become either size four dresses or size twenty.
Yet, again this morning for at least forty minutes - I was convinced I could go on a detox diet.
I read the magazine article I have already read five times and felt inspired and excited at the thought of juices, salads and clean bowels. Just imagine - not yawning at 10am, not slapping yourself across the face in order to get some color to your cheeks, and not having to buy a dress and ALWAYS a cardigan to match in order to cover yourself.
The after photo of the victim successful detoxer made this look possible and of course the 21 day promise allowed me to see myself wearing a summer dress that did not look like something from Walton's mountain.

Then I begin to plan buying the blender that is required, oh, and the juicer that i…

Wonder

Do you think there are days when Mr.Obama puts his head in his hands, then suddenly inspired shouts:
"Hey 'Chell, come on babe, lets get to Aruba, get drunk and do the business!"
I wonder if he ever feels "I have no time for me!"

Do you imagine that a big, burly, hells angel bike rider, radios over to his leather and beard burdened bro to say: "I'm chucking in my diet, lets pull over for a strawberry ice cream!" That sometimes he thinks, I just want to wear cotton today!

My point is, at times I feel like I'm the only person not doing their work properly. By that I mean all my work and all the personalities that are required. The 9 to 5 stuff, the life issues, the care partner, the daughter bit. Some days I can't ram a do-nut down quickly enough, while other days I let myself feel the fear.

I don't mean to be down all the time, I truly am the person to say my bag of fries is half full. It's just the odd day really gets to me, when …

2:45am - in other words - Chapter ?

I dislike not being able to sleep and I love not being able to sleep.
My thoughts accompany me through such television adventures.
Miss California became Miss USA tonight, despite Kelly Osbourne's lipstick making her look as though she had kissed a frozen orange stick. You would have thought better make up on a beauty competition.
Then I stumbled upon The Glee Project.

Not being a fan of the show Glee, (I have only seen it for five minutes). I was happy to lose myself in this show where actors are competing for a role in the new series. It is described as the best talent show there is, and I agree. This is as close as you can get to auditions and learning how TV works. Of course, as close as you can underneath the umbrella of: we all live in a house and have to do weekly tasks before we all walk miserably to a bulletin board that tells us who is going home.

The comments from the directors and producers were actually inspiring. One actor was nervous, and the director was pointing o…

The disease

A funny thing happened to me as I was knocked off my feet by an Ocean Job Lot cart pushed by my husband, who then got worried because he could not find me, because I was stuck on the floor struggling to get up.
It occurred to me that I am so lucky to love and to have a sense of humor.
If Mr.Weiner had a sense of humor instead of an ego, we would not know that he is an idiot in grey underwear.

The thing is, I hate the disease, not my husband. I love him.
I had plenty of chances to fall out of love with him years ago. If those times did not change my feelings, an illness he did not invite for dinner, is not going to make me hate him now.

Can you imagine waking up with a blindfold on and woolly socks stuffed in your ears?  You stumble to the phone and there's a message on your voice mail instructing you to go ahead and live normally, go on just try.

That's how I view Alzheimer's. David knows something is going on, yet he cannot find the words to describe it. He is not aware o…

Happy Birthday Brother

Image
It's my big brothers birthday today June 7.
Please can everyone in the Universe wish him happy birthday fortune. He deserves some luck!
If someone had a winning  lottery ticket and would have it blown away in a sudden gust of polluted London or Spanish air - it would be my brother.
He never feels sorry for himself and maybe he should! His charming smile always deceives (as much as his hair color!) His amazing sense of humor and warmth makes you feel he hasn't a worry in the world - plus he has no wrinkles. He is my older brother that looks younger and far better in a dress than me. (You have to know his job to understand!)

I have always, always loved my brother. From the days that I dressed him up as Jesus in my living room production of Jesus Christ Superstar. To the night I first saw him drunk as he was screaming "All aboard the Skylark" and to the days we were TV extras together in EastEnders.
I will never forgive him for the time he convinced me that he was a vis…

Jaynes Observations and I think I think too much

Today the weather is in the low seventies and I am sitting in the garden. I have done alot of work in the garden this year and spent quite a few pennies on flowers. Yesterday I did my impression of Tom Sawyer and painted a fence white. I recommend that you thoroughly clean a fence first before painting, unless you want "the dead spider and bird dropping caught in white paint effect." Which is what I did want, of course!
Though for me painting a six foot fence without a ladder was not easy and I am proud. To my neighbor who may now have splatters of white paint all over their drive way and possibly a kitchen window - it was not me!

As I sit in the sun, which is one of my favorite things to do, I imagine that my laptop will suddenly explode! Five minutes later....
I have now moved and am sitting, cold in the shade, less scared of the laptop blowing up. I guess too, I should be grateful that I am not turning myself into old leather skin. Though I am planning on leaving my body …

Until we meet again Oprah

Wednesday May 25th at 4pm USA Eastern time.
I was glued (such a funny description) to the television watching Oprah say "until we meet again."
When it is released for a seasonal special, please buy me a copy. No sarcasm either, I'm being honest. I found it captivating. So eloquent, confident, charming and damn honest.
My favorite message was validation.
I see you. I hear you. What you have to say matters to me.

For far too many years I have enjoyed conversations with Oprah in my bathroom or car.
Mainly celebrating the Oscar win for my movie, written by myself from the best selling novel, written by myself. Not many people realized in the movie either, that the woman in the Lycra sweat suit with buck teeth and bum to match, was actually me.Yes, I prefer to hide behind a funny character, I admit to Oprah, looking shy yet amazingly attractive.
In interviews I am always slim and always happy with shining hair. My message with Oprah was at first, humor, then hard work, then h…

The Root of The Purpose

Today at 5:10pm, just 6 minutes ago I finally realized my purpose.
It has been a concern of mine to reach my mid forties and not to know it. Now I do.
No surprise to others to learn I am in the wrong profession. My purpose is not even to write.
It is, drum roll with toasted cheese please......................
My purpose is to be a dentist.
REASONS:
When I work, I feel most of my day is like pulling teeth.
A simple request evolves into a Lord of The Things Trilogy.
A yes or no answer is all that is required, yet never discovered, despite drilling, drilling and drilling.
I am in the chair for hours, yet all I get is to spit!

Dentist school application on it's way.






The Day Before for Karen & Mark

So I may not have found anything new to wear,


I am however going to get blond in my hair.

And as I think that tomorrow for Karen and Mark

There is a magnificent shining spark

I can't wait to hear them say I do

And together become The Scalia Two.

Conversation about honesty and a duck

I am in two minds as to whether to share this story.
I believe I will, as it would mean an awful lot if something I said could/would/should make a difference to someone.
Topic is: communication through conversation and how much we take for granted.

My husband now has difficulty in communicating. He has described to me, the frustration of seeing a word and then it fades, quickly and he is left with a hollow feeling, that ne needs something, yet has no idea of what.
Sometimes he tells me a story, and I truly have no idea of what he is saying. Sometimes he tells me something perfectly and I check to see if my David is back. We find ways of communicating, and just when I get the hang of it, I need to change tactic again, as I realize something else is proving too foreign for him.
 I see my David as though he is falling far away into the depths of a hole, like Alice. I'm peering down and I cannot fall in after him - it's not in the rule book or the chapter listings.

As much as my i…

Just In Case

I had heard that it may be the end of the world tomorrow! So, just in case, here is my wish for the future species that will produce the next mankind.

Please learn to listen wisely to the wise and know you are a fool to listen to the foolish.
Please love yourself first, freely with respect, passion and laughter.
Please protect yourself from everyone who tells you what to do, when they never share with you how or why.
Please hold your own hand, talk with your own heart and sing with your own voice.
Please know all you can about you, before you allow others to tell you.
Please learn, love, protect, hold and know; every day, every moment, be you.

Angry Teacakes

People should only hire unhappy people to work. Or, losers. Perfect employee would be unhappy losers.
It is Friday evening and I'm working, not even from pressure of having so much to do! Just because I'm angry and have to hide it by working.

Instead of The Incredible Hulk, I have created a new super hero - The Incredible Teacake.
In normal mode, she is a coconut doormat with "Welcome" printed in bright orange happy letters.In smaller letters, bright pink - the words say "go on and dig those heels in!" It always makes people smile and they follow the instruction with great enthusiasm.
Occasionally, Doormat begins to sneeze with the level of dirt and unwanted debris that is being pushed onto her. She knows it's her life's purpose, yet still, just that one pair of too many high heels, pushes her over the door step.
Bits of thread stretch and rip, the yellow turns red like fire, until suddenly you hear a big loud PING.
The Ping from an Easy Bake oven. …

Insanity and Robert Bruce

Insanity is when you keep doing the exact same thing expecting a different result.
Yup, tick that box - I do that!
Robert Bruce said: If at first you don't succeed, try and try again.
Yup, tick that box as I also do that.

So dear fable and moral writers which should I do....because they don't work together it seems!
Example - today I thought to get myself out of a bad mood, I would take 30 minutes to mail a package to my Mum and brother.
Love gets to me and I realize I do not have anything for my brothers wife, Michelle. So I stop and buy her a few little care package things. Nice right?

Get to post office - no computers working its cash only.
Drive back down the road to an ATM.
Drive back up the road to the post office.
45 minutes later and 8 people behind me screaming "Get Out!!" - the post office have convinced me that my Mums town does not exist. Even though I have shipped there before, NO, it does not exist. I have it incorrect, when I know I don't! Package…

DETOX

BREAKFAST:
3 Ginger Lemon Biscuits from the hidden emergency box in the car
Dunkin Donuts Coffee
Toasted Croissant with butter

LUNCH:
2 Hot Dogs with fries
Soda Water

DINNER:
Small fries
Small diet coke

MIDNIGHT SNACK:
Chocolate Rabbit

I know! Right!!!!!!!

Scott and Sandy Winters

I am pretty well full of feelings and yet at a loss for the right words.
Tonight was the benefit evening for Scott and Sandy Winters. An idea my boss had, with the aim of helping Scotts family as they face cancer.
I have known Scott for nine years. We have laughed about so many things. Including his and my husbands adventures with cancer.

I was, and still am as I type this, in awe of seeing how beautiful Sandy looked and how much pure love glowed from that incrediable woman. Without a single nerve showing, she sung to Scott from her heart as he gazed on, looking as though their love had just arrived. That was courage, strength, a true connection that is rarely seen.

It was an honor to be there - and again I am reminded that I really do not understand our lives. What I do recognize is the bravery of giving everything, because.........what else can you do?
Scott & Sandy - you are remarkable - I love you.

Indulgent Moan

It has been a while since I last wrote.
When I get busy I tend to hide and by that I mean completely disappear and leave my true self standing alone, waiting at a bus stop in the pouring rain, feet feeling soggy in velvet shoes and hair hanging heavy against my cheeks.
That is how I feel, when all I do is work. When all I do is exist as a care partner and not as the lover, or the wife, or even the best friend.

I crave a need to fly to somewhere glorious, wear red and sip Merlot. A man once promised to take me to Vienna to hear music. He died instead. When I got engaged for the first time, in Paris, the moment was tainted by drunk rude group at the next table and my future husband getting frustrated that he was being charged for the champagne. When I got engaged for the second time, my future husband was sad to realize he was in the wrong restaurant and not the one his Mum had given him the gift certificate for.

Why do I mention this? As an example of looking in and never entering beca…

A Water Cooler Conversation

I truly cannot share with you the conversation I enjoyed today in the office.
No, truly I should not. It was an education into something that has an interesting name, which actually means nothing like it suggests. OR, it may actually mean what it suggests, just in an unusual, embarrassing, appalling, funny, alluring, exciting, revolting, stimulating or disgusting manner depending on your preference.
I had never heard of it before.  I am frightened to even look the name up on a computer for fear of the CIA knocking on my door or a brigade of scary pop ups jumping from my screen. They might be in 3D too! No, I still cannot share with you this name!
It was so refreshing to me, that I was the only one not to know. Especially as there was a time, years, years ago when walks of shame were expected and I did indeed play my part in that specialized activity. 
I thought I knew everything, even though I had not done everything.  If you get my meaning! Yes, I am talking about the old knickers in your p…