Today the Alzheimer's association sent messages out to pay tribute to caregivers.
For me, being a wife, I prefer the term care partner as I believe David and I to be a team.
We work through challenges, I slam doors, I cry and say many I'm sorry statements. As he looks into the mirror to see a life fading, so do I. I see two, his and mine.
Being a care partner has a dreadful side effect. I suppose it is similar to when a mother feels like she is a robot. Get up, make breakfast, get kid up, feed kid, dress kid, drag kid to school, clean, tidy, work, collect kid, feed kid, blah blah blah.
I hear there comes a time when mothers scream What about me?
Today in the hospital as yet another doctor tells me, let your husband speak. I sit there and watch David stammer and not make a word of sense. Finally the doctor looks at me, giving me permission to speak. Yes, see, I want to cry. I'm not just being an over bearing, controlling bitch. I'm being a care partner, that's CARE. Someone who does not want her husband stuttering and stammering while going red in his anguish of working out what he was just thinking.
I'm 44 and the only dates we now have are hospital visits and nobody has ever asked me - what's it like? I have become the robot nurse. Who apparently has no life, no worries, no desire to have children of her own or to travel or to laugh or to make love. No, that side of my personality obviously and conveniently died five years ago.
A friend of mine whose husband was going through cancer said, suddenly people would arrive with lasagna for her. She said I hate fucking lasagna! There must be a guide book as to what to do and I imagine it is only one page stating look sympathetic, bring pasta and tell them how a long lost cousin once had a splinter so you know exactly how they feel.
(I received one lasagna and loved it by the way!)
I am told, it will be easier when David goes into a home. Well thank you very much. That's exciting isn't it! Please remember you are talking about a woman who fell madly in love and remains in love. The prospect of more hospital visits is overwhelming and I truly look forward to sending you all a postcard.
This is just another rant. Nobody will post a thank you message to me, because, well Jayne is different. Its just different for her.
Think for a moment - if there is a carerobot in your eye sight, just occasionally say - hey want to get drunk?