Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Right now at 11:33pm

I continue to be busy at work. I continue to hide my honest thoughts. Even from myself, I say "Oh, don't think about that. It's different for us. This will pass."

I hear and feel other peoples sadness like a DJ collecting music. Forever grabbing at the latest hit constantly replacing and updating the play list.

It's easy to say things are good when they are. I keep refueling myself in small and simple ways.
A breathe of fresh air, a different do nut, a twelve dollar necklace from Kohls.

I keep saying, searching, looking, asking for the miracles - convincing myself they are found in the trees, the clouds and the grass. Trouble is I want more.

Each day that the page on the day calendar is removed I wonder if this will be the day - when I either get it or it gets me.
Me with my headaches and stomach aches. My husband wondering how, why and what. He looks so well, yet I imagine the fear and confusion going on inside and I can't stop it. No matter how hard I say I love you, no matter how many bills I pay, nor how many hours I work and how many times I don't do something for me, nothing changes.

It continues and never changes.

I promised that when writing this blog I would always tell the truth and aim to be funny.
Tonight I tried the trickiest one. Thanks for reading.

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