Monday, May 17, 2010

A long post regarding Casual

I really get bored and roll my eyes when people talk about weight issues.

So I am now bored and rolling my eyes at myself when I share with you, yet another under garment story.
If you are a male reader (Hi Jen's Dad) there is no need to continue reading.

Here is a fact, I love the hot weather. It would suit me a great deal better though if I were not my wonderfully round shape. Example: I am currently in danger of having kids jump on me at the beach thinking that I am poor whale who has come too far.

So, when being on the round styling of life, when one receives an invitation that sounds like this:
"Hey, we're having a barbecue, pop over, just a casual thing, we're not dressing up."
I hear:
"Hey, we're having delicious food that you should not eat, and we will be wearing shorts, it'll be great to see what you can wear."

Casual! Casual!

Casual to me means - track suit, over size t shirt, over size dress with slippers.

Casual to you slim folk equals - shorts, t shirts with tiny straps, flip flops on your feet showing beautifully manicured nails, a tan and golden highlights - how on earth has everyone but me got a tan already? Is there some 24 hour hair/nail/tan salon open that runs a tailoring service to get shorts and tops that fit so well? Who knows about this and did not tell me?

So on the casual invite day, I decide to try out this great corset contraption that is currently advertised on TV and that I found in CVS on the shelf next to the PedEgg and the Miracle Sham. They only had a medium size, surely that could make you even slimmer?

Removing it from the box I actually think it could work, it is as tough as Mike Tyson and as elastic as metal.

My waist is legally medium, my hips however are hippo and the damn thing will not get further than my knees. The box says just pull and I consider phoning a truck service, but it's not going to work. Can you believe that I have to go on a diet to fit in a "no need to diet" contraption?

Then I pull out another previously bought in desperation garment. This successfully gets over the hippos and kind of pulls everything in. I can't find the straps though and can not bend to open the drawer I'm sure they are in.

Striding like a cowboy to the mirror I hope that wearing a bra and this thing may work, only to discover that I have magically grown two sets of breasts. My own and another pair that I watch rolling and forming from the fabric of the corset. It also appears that I have a hump on my back, presumably from yet more rolled up fat trying to escape.

It is not an attractive sight and I am not amused!

I know there is an answer and I know it involves lettuce.
I know I could/would/should enjoy casual, regardless of burgers, sizes and shorts.
I know in the big scheme of things, it really does not matter.

I guess, it's just that it is the big scheme of things and casual sadly does not fit.

1 comment:

  1. *raises a donut in a toast of commiseration and then thinks.... mmm...toast....*

    So many things here scream "I can relate"
    1. hi dad :)
    2. The dressing: I have no respect for 'Gator wrestlers until they also manage to dress themselves in a pair of Spanx!
    3. I'm all for hangin' with the girls, but NOT for growing extra sets of them! The last time I worked my way into the "no need to diet" garment you couldn't tell if I was coming or going! I needed two bras- one on front and one on back! YIKES! That definitely guarantees no sex in this city!
    4. It's true, in the big scheme we are the only ones giving our fat this much attention. That's why god created margaritas- so we can relax with the rest of them and have fun!
    Keep writing,


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