Sunday, December 19, 2010

Tis the season

I am not making this up........

Dec 19th 6:49pm
The oven is broken.
I have lost my voice.
Last night the water heater broke, flooded the basement & we have no hot water.
The TV just stopped and is now stuck on a video game of Deal or No Deal.
Even a tape measure is stuck and the measure is erect at thirty inches!!!!!!!

There's a Christmas Miracle on its way.................right?????????????????????????

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Skinny Jeans...kind of

Had a stay in hospital last week. The reason is not important. Well, it is to me, just not for this blog right now.

So on the second day, for good behavior they give me new pajamas to wear. A cotton johnny (hate that word) and pajama bottoms. The johnny size is Hippo, the bottoms are size Starbucks Tall and Skinny.
Thus proving, laying down I really do look like a Victoria Secret model.

Inside the bathroom, resembling an airplane bathroom, I get a shock in the mirror to see I resemble my Great times a thousand Grandmother, who lived in the Stoneage times. My hair is sticking out in all directions, my lips are turtle like and folding in one one another. Somewhere there are blue eyes peeking out from the red and black. Plus I am bloated like a puffer fish.

My efforts to get closer to glamorous were laughable and my attempt to get the Tall Skinnies on were painful. Its hard to maneuver when you are attached to wires and a pole. Then I start to laugh, then I drop the heart monitor and then I hear a nurse banging on the bathroom door because my heart alarm is going off.
She is trying to open the door as I'm trying to wedge my dignity. Does my bum look big in this, does not even come into play, as my bum could not even get into it!!

"Mrs.S, you must get back into bed, your heart rate is too high". I'm now sweating, bright red while being pulled to bed by a 12 year old nurse who can't lift me into bed to save her life, let alone safe mine!

"Your pulse is so high" child nurse panics.

The Tall Skinnies ripped and then I farted, which is not something I like to do in view of my public. My whole image of being that Soap Opera hospital patient dispersed in ten seconds.

Everyone farts in hospital and nobody says anything. I'm surprised there are not explosions with all the chemicals around. Even my sitter came in, sat down, got out her knitting and belched loudly. By the end of my visit I had a good rendition of "Jingle Bells" under my belt. So that's something new to share on Christmas Day.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Miracles

There were days in London when my friend Helene and I would sit on the floor cutting magazines, scribbling with crayons and sharing positive affirmations. We were early thirties and you can do stuff like that when you are a fan of SARK.

Here in the States I completed a Dream Boogie program with her to encourage my creativity to come out again. It is working by the way.

Sark had sent us a challenge to record what happened when we used one of her transformation tools.

I chose to welcome in miraculous people. Now its a good idea to be out in the open to do this. Go for a walk and with open arms say "Miraculous people, find me now."

I was having a blue day at my desk in work, so I asked for my miracle while in the bathroom!!! (I know that sounds so wrong!!)

I was expecting something would solve everything and provide all the answers. For example an old boyfriend arriving, now well and healthy with all the money I lent him plus a million! Or the producers from Working Title who I foolishly ran away from in London, saying at last we found you, lets make that movie.

None of those arrived. I had the FedEx woman, the landlord and the UPS man. So, I sulked, thinking these visitors are not miracles, then I wondered if they may have important things to share? Not just packages and fixing lights. I started to talk, ask questions and listen.

My bosses mum came by, a recent widow. We hugged and cried and talked. Truly talked, beyond can you believe the weather and what about the price of gas! She shared a wonderful piece of advice that I keep with me everyday, and to be honest, every minute when needed.

Finding myself last week in a frightening situation, I continued this process. The miracle occurred in my realization that the miraculous people I need right now are walking around me. That other people have stories, thoughts, support and ideas too, that can really help. A message does not need to appear in a burning bush. It can be shared by a person walking through.

It is you and I who are the miracles. Yes, George Clooney with an invite to IHop is also a miracle, as he too is a human being. If George did call right now I wouldn't know what to do! I believe the right miracles arrive at the right time. They may not be the ones we are craving and dreaming for, they will be the ones we need. They may not be able to cure the illness or take away the grieve, they will be able to offer the strength to take the next step.

As I open more and invite people in, so I will grow. Incidentally and wonderfully, one of the people I met last week, who helped me tremendously with such honesty and care, was a pretty lady called Angel.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Newsflash

This is exciting news, just in!

It is 11:40 am on a Monday. Ususally at this time I feel sick because of a large coffee, a coffee roll and a gingerbread man.

Today I wanted to eat fruit only....So.....

Today at 11:40am I have had a large coffee and at least a quarter of a pound of dried apricots.
I feel sick! Really sick. That's great! Thus proving that fruit is the same as cookies.

Weekend

OK everyone - the game is up! I'm on one of those reality shows aren't I?
Where you all set me up with various situations and if I do well I'm going to win something. Something big. That's right isn't it? Isn't it?

My week end was like a poorly mad student horror movie . The end of a "Housewives of Dagenham" season episode. The icing on the already well iced chocolate cake. I am not sharing details, I will just say that The National Enquirer are refusing to print the story on account of it being unbeliveble.

I went to see the new movie "127 Hours" yesterday. You must see this movie.
1: Amazing direction. I hear Oscar for Danny Boyle. My goodness are you talented.
2: Great acting. I hear Oscar nomination for James Franco.
3: I am so grateful this movie is not in 3D!
4: The story is true. The story is true!!!! I am typing this like Oprah.

It made me appreciate that my own version (my life caught under a boulder in a place that I Love) is not as bad. I will not have to cut my arm off. I take that as positive.

Friday, November 26, 2010

ThanksGiving..Anyway

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

Mine was different. My usual "may I help?" quietly aimed toward the area of the kitchen is traditionally ignored. My American life does not include the fact that once upon a time I had a full British life. I had a house, garden, cooked, cleaned, ironed, worked, actually had some success and a near miss with a professional writing career and happy marriage. That was Jayne Part One I guess.

Anyway, Jayne Part Two has an image that she does not know how to cook. (Does not know how to do anything.) I throw my oven gloves into the air and say I'm guilty of taking advantage of this and have played along. To the extent where I believe it! Not that I was ever Julia Childs, I did however have adventures with stuffed lamb and a pink meringue that stuck to the kitchen ceiling.

Anyway, So Jayne Part Two was suddenly cutting and frying on Thursday in a kitchen where people can really cook. They have things like rice vinegar and stuffed fig oil in their cupboards.
It was fun, though I wanted my shoulders to drop and if only I could unclench my jaw. Cooking needs confidence. Cooking with people who own restaurants needs wine and confidence.

I'm not the newcomer, yet I stop myself from relaxing for fear of saying the wrong thing, eating too much, looking foolish, sentimental, fat. What a waste of turkey grease!

WARNING: Jayne Part Two is reflecting on what she wants to resurrect from Jayne Part One.
Could/would/should be interesting.......

Monday, November 22, 2010

Holly Potter

So, we went to see Holly Potter (as its known in our household) on Saturday.
It's a great movie. It must be good because I did not understand a bit of it and yet I still enjoyed it.
You have to know, follow, read, re read, see all the movies before seeing the latest one to remember who BobblePeekGoswold is compared to GobblepeedCodfort. I know I have said it before but I'm not good at remembering names let alone the complicated fancy ones.

I was surprised when a elf called Dobey appeared. I thought he was in Lord of the Rings.

I was also surprised when I realized I had eaten all my chocolate covered pretzels only ten minutes in.

Congratulations to JK Rowling. What a woman. I can't even write a blog without getting stuck, yet one book of hers will make three movies. She made a familiar concept, that of a quest to collect stuff in order to get something solved, into the incredible Potter world.

All of us have quests. Mine was written as follows:
If thou art brave to collect the following yee will be happy:

Five fantastic scarves
Two husbands
Fifty extra pounds of fat
The capacity to eat Advil like they were M&Ms
Two swollen ankles
One best selling novel

I'm getting there....................

Friday, November 19, 2010

Just reacting

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
I love this quote from John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

I am going to open a store that sells glasses.
Optician glasses for sight issues.
Martini glasses for comfort issues.
Big heavy black rimmed glasses for people who are so short sighted that they can not see how selfish they are. The type of person who says and writes stuff to have a negative effect on others.
The sort of person who buys an emerald ring that you want and gives you the bag.

As murder is not on my current to do list, I have to accept that others in the sand box believe they deserve the beach.

I hope to see if at least my actions can be larger than their words.

Monday, November 15, 2010

TMI at BWI

I flew back from Baltimore today.

A gorgeous little boy called Max was in front of me as we were boarding the plane. He was well prepared for his day, wearing penguin pajamas and Spiderman socks. His was an adorable face as we exchanged big grins, it was great.
He looked at his nanny (must have been because of youthful appearance) and said pointing at me - "that woman is having a baby."

Response one: This is great, because he views me as pregnant rather than fat. Fantastic, I at last fit into a different category. I must have been blooming and looking tranquil and at peace. My eyes shining with excitement and hope of the future.

Response Two: Pregnant?!!!!!!!!! That would be so typical of my life that I turn out to be a modern Mother Virgin Mary. I have after all been asking for miracles. When my current constipation phase finally ends - I will bring relief to the world not just for myself. Could be interesting.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Just another rant

Today the Alzheimer's association sent messages out to pay tribute to caregivers.

For me, being a wife, I prefer the term care partner as I believe David and I to be a team.
We work through challenges, I slam doors, I cry and say many I'm sorry statements. As he looks into the mirror to see a life fading, so do I. I see two, his and mine.

Being a care partner has a dreadful side effect. I suppose it is similar to when a mother feels like she is a robot. Get up, make breakfast, get kid up, feed kid, dress kid, drag kid to school, clean, tidy, work, collect kid, feed kid, blah blah blah.
I hear there comes a time when mothers scream What about me?

Today in the hospital as yet another doctor tells me, let your husband speak. I sit there and watch David stammer and not make a word of sense. Finally the doctor looks at me, giving me permission to speak. Yes, see, I want to cry. I'm not just being an over bearing, controlling bitch. I'm being a care partner, that's CARE. Someone who does not want her husband stuttering and stammering while going red in his anguish of working out what he was just thinking.

I'm 44 and the only dates we now have are hospital visits and nobody has ever asked me - what's it like? I have become the robot nurse. Who apparently has no life, no worries, no desire to have children of her own or to travel or to laugh or to make love. No, that side of my personality obviously and conveniently died five years ago.

A friend of mine whose husband was going through cancer said, suddenly people would arrive with lasagna for her. She said I hate fucking lasagna! There must be a guide book as to what to do and I imagine it is only one page stating look sympathetic, bring pasta and tell them how a long lost cousin once had a splinter so you know exactly how they feel.
(I received one lasagna and loved it by the way!)

I am told, it will be easier when David goes into a home. Well thank you very much. That's exciting isn't it! Please remember you are talking about a woman who fell madly in love and remains in love. The prospect of more hospital visits is overwhelming and I truly look forward to sending you all a postcard.

This is just another rant. Nobody will post a thank you message to me, because, well Jayne is different. Its just different for her.
Think for a moment - if there is a carerobot in your eye sight, just occasionally say - hey want to get drunk?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Weather Forecast

I am re-writing the myth - Love is NOT all you need.

It is the strong powerful ones who deal with everything successfully and it has nothing to do
with loving. It has to do with survival. Tactics to win. To beat others. Even when the powerful ones are wrong they are right, because they know they are wrong and can get away with it by being louder.

I have not lost much in my life, simply I guess because I have never had anything in the first place!
I have however been free to say the word love. To show when I'm happy. To share when I could. To share when I couldn't. I always thought that was the best way to be. I was wrong.

This is a lecture to all that are younger. If you are single, remain single.
If you are partnered with someone with an addiction - leave them.
If you believe you know what love is, then take a day off from it and then look at it again.

If your partner becomes ill, then distance yourself. Everyone else does. They may say, Oh I'm there. Have a look though - are they? If you are there all the time how does it allow them to give support? They won't even remember or recognize that the person is ill. They will sweep everything under the carpet, including you.

Alzheimer's becomes a battle for the afflicted and a battle for the care partner.
All the care partner wants to do is love. They are the ones who can hear the clock ticking. Doing that and receiving nothing back, continually, begins to feel like cutting your arm off with a hair brush.

Perhaps instead of the constant reassurance that I thought was required, my husband needs someone just to be the aggressive one. To not care so much. To not be there so much.
I now hear - Don't be so sensitive. Be a grown up. Its so easy when you look down from a comfortable chair to read the pamphlet and think you know everything.

So the weather has turned bitter. The winter is here. Protective layers are advised. Love does nothing to keep the cold turning into frost bite.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Mid LIfe Part Two

There is absolutely no easy way of handling a partner with Alzheimer's.
There are no benefits. I have not turned into Maria Schneider.
I have not become a spiritual wise woman with blond hair who wears purple and brews chamolmile tea. I have become a spitting woman who eats Cheetos in her car outside Best Buy, just to hide for a moment to see real life. I walk toward CVS mumbling "shoot me, just shoot me."

Today was a classic episode into the oddity of this illness. I bump back and forth between knowing and feeling helpless. Its like being asked to perform with Cirque De Solei without a rehearsal nor safety net. Keep smiling they say while I imagine myself sticking a fork into my leg and simply exploding into nothing.

In Vegas I soaked in everything the place could offer. The sights, the sounds, the taste. I shopped, ate chocolate, rode the open top bus, and felt, let alone said, wow every five minutes. I loved it.

I went on a private tour of the Siegfried Secret Garden and met & cuddled a grandmother called Duchess who happened to be a real life dolphin. It was glorious.

If I could attach a photograph I would need to explain that I was the one on the right, as I was wearing grey that day. When I next meet a dolphin I will wear another color. I wonder if it had been a male dolphin that perhaps it may have jumped me? Headlines - Brit caught in love scandal with Whizzy the Vegas Dolphin.

The next day I lost my camera. I truly nearly cried. I love taking photographs and was already planning my Vegas Scrapbook. I am not one of those who watch the entire Pirate Show from their camera lens. I prefer more candid shots and artistic angles.

Vegas represented a huge reminder to me that laughter and wonder were easily found inside me. I wanted to keep the visual memories close. So I must, therefore, imagine that (as previously mentioned in Part One) George Clooney stole my camera. That helps me make sense of this bumbling life I now lead.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Mid Life Part One

I have a notion that it was a disguised George Clooney who stole my camera last Sunday at The Bellgeio Hotel, Las Vegas.
Bare with me, there is a reason.

Today I walked straight into Christmas. By that I mean Michael's. The fake scent of pine cones wafted from the three dollar bundles of real pine cones and burdened, glittering door wreaths screamed Hang Me!

My mid life crisis has requested its standard thought provoking tradition, that of cross stitch. Each major change in my life has involved a fierce engagement with embroidery, especially the art of counted cross stitch. Beware friends and family, you can thank me now, because everyone is receiving a home made seasonal card.

So in the embroidery aisle I am joined by a husband and wife team. He strikes up the "awe of thread" conversation with me, while she proudly looks on. Fifteen minutes into our conversation he begins to show me his entire cross stitch collection on his cell phone.
"Not that size" I joked. Then actual measurements were included.

I ohhed and ahhed while trying to look within his glasses to see if he was really a woman.

They both agreed that making cards seemed a wonderful option for me, while he explained that he was busy making the Mrs a teddy bear picture, including hearts around the frame.
"Today we are choosing colors for the sweater" she said.
"We're thinking gold," he said. "You see, my wife here, loves hugs."
"Oh yes I'm a hugger."
"I'm going to add a quote. It's our thing." And they both say together: "All the kisses, cuddles and all the lovin'."

Now they don't smile, they don't look at one another, they just look at me. Inside I am thinking I am holding a basket and facing a basket. Outside I remain speechless. I wonder if Scientology is into threaded crafts?

Then the second "but wait there's more" moment arrived as he told me how years ago he had replaced his alcoholism for an addiction to cross stitch. He lost his job, his home and his daughter. Cross stitch had isolated him. He couldn't even sell his pieces as they meant more to him than others.

Dear Who Ever is in charge, I know I am a bad person. I ask you not to judge me when I nearly threw my basket down of shiny threads and 14 count aida, thinking I don't want to be a loony sad! (Said in that order.) A loony sad.

As I left that aisle hoping they would not find me in scrap booking, I had the Oprah moment.

These are good people. Honest. How bleedin brave is that man to go through the addiction, to get to the other side and face love again? How brave is he to discuss drinking and cross stitch from underneath his baseball cap and thick duffel coat? Honest people are incredible. To know yourself and not to be ashamed. To not feel fear over everyday things. To forgive, truly forgive yourself and then move on from the hammock of playing a victim.

"HONESTY" should be/would be/could be cross stitched tonight while watching Modern Family and sipping Wild Horses Red Pinot Noir. Oh, let me be that brave.

Friday, October 29, 2010

A Chakra

I admit that I have gone a little crazy. My boss has officially put me on two weeks leave.
So today I am slowly working from home, as I do not wish to throw my department into
the break down mode either.

At my desk I decided to light a candle named Healing.
It is a Chakra Energy Candle that will open my Anahata. That's my heart to all you non chakra folks.

So, I'm breathing, crying, breathing, typing and I think wow that's an odd smell.
The candle promises Lavandin, Orange and Tangerine.
Breathing, typing, trying not to think.
Closing my eyes, rolling my shoulders to open my Anahata. This is great.
I look at the candle to find and feel a two foot Tangerine flame waving at me.
My heart is actually on fire.

Note to self - it is a good idea to remove the paper before lighting your chakras!!!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Vegas Baby

It started with a week end in Vegas.
I travelled down memory lane into fun, glamor, new stuff, talent, pure entertainment.
While others drained their pockets and themselves of energy, I could feel myself re fueling like a spark chasing up the fuse line.
The explosion has hit. I just can not do what I have been doing any more.
I have not been true for over three years. I have to make changes.

Now I am on a trip to face what I must. The clock may now only have a year - so if I do not link my arms with my partner in lame, I know this will have been one last dance that I sat out while longing to take center stage.

I hope that is cryptic, because this is purely for me.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas -
Not for me.
I believe I stole a pink feather boa
and I want to wear it daily.

Thank you very much!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dining in the Dark

I have experienced a new trend Dining in the Dark. (Please sound trumpets, it is not often that the old girl reports on something new!)

Dining In The Dark is the concept of eating a four course meal while wearing a blindfold. Why would you do such a daft thing?

It has "Jayne will hate it" written all over it. I loved it!
Fear, excuses, trust, unknown stuff was stopping me, yet I found myself in a position where I was suddenly doing it and now can not recommend it enough.

Each individual will have their own experience. For me I felt a surprise sense of confidence and independence. I imagined I would think more, worry about making a mess or doing something wrong. Yet quickly I found myself simply focusing on the food and the intention to eat. I had a sense of freedom from negative emotions that are usually present during a social meal. (No need to recommend a shrink, I'm already there!)

Many people soon forgot about trying to use utensils. Many experience a greater sense of smell, sound and taste.

For me my sense of perception was off. I thought a carrot I was eating was the size of a lollipop. When I removed the blindfold at the end, the table seemed so large. It was an Alice in Wonderland moment of going from tiny to large.

The man next to me felt he was in a peculiar dream where he was having dinner with Mary Poppins. He could hear my English accent, so a vision of Julie Andrews in her gorgeous white hat was stuck in his head. I guess I did not help by bursting into Supercalifraglistic etc etc. When he removed his blindfold he realized it was just the carpet bag and went strangely quiet.

So, go do this. It's new in Boston. Unique experience. www.dininginthedark.com

If nothing else, it is great for people like me with ambitious appetites whose eyes are never larger than their stomachs. I loved hearing my table say how full they were and could not eat anything else, while I confidently finished the meal knowing that nobody could see. "Oh yes, me too" I lied, wondering if I could feel around and grab the left overs!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Reality Shows

This has been a long time between posts.
Work went crazy busy. Would have been the best season ever as the TV show, I can tell you that.
Featuring the classic episode called "Camp We Care Not" including a pointless flight to Seattle, missing rocking horses, anxious FedEx trips, secret conversations held at 1am, lots of tears, one resignation letter and of course cake.

It feels that life hit me hard with reality this year and I'm struggling to recover.
My thoughts have been that I would eventually end up at Disneyworld being one of the Fairy Godmothers. Not the young beautiful one. The comical rounder ones with grey hair. Greeting people in Disneyworld has a greater appeal to me than the one I feel I will end up doing at Walmart. I say that with respect for those that have to, rather than those that can finally relax and enjoy retirement.

Being that I followed a dream of becoming an actress and then a writer - I guess for most of my life I have believed in dreams coming true. Suddenly throughout September I felt the opposite.

Nothing is coming true. I do not feel sorry for myself, in fact I am to blame for poor decisions and sheer laziness. It seems pointless. The fact is that you have a great day at Disneyworld, soak up the fireworks, see Tinkerbell fly - then you wait in a traffic jam leaving the car park, tired with a bag of souvenirs that one day you will throw out as garbage.

Maybe I'm sucking lemons and this phase will pass. Maybe I'm facing a mid life episode and an adventure will reignite. Or, maybe I am the woman who got a chair massage yesterday and fainted during it. Maybe I'm the one who does not know how to help another as they face a loss. Maybe I'm the woman with an ineffective heat wrap on her shoulder who has no desire to plan for Monday. Reality hitting hard.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday Right Now

Right now..............

  • I really want my Aunty Violet's Jam Tart. It's simple and magnificent.
  • I am working really hard and proud of my commitment to work.
  • It is truly useful that this country has three different time zones (maybe more?) You can get more than a regular days work done in one day. Sadly/brightly/amazingly/worryingly I am not being sarcastic.
  • Faced a professional fear and am getting through it.
  • Had to spell check enthusiast several times.
  • ALL my teeth are aching - which is comforting, as I only get scared when one tooth hurts.
  • In the discussions over the House of Iman in Manhattan - why doesn't anyone say it is not respectful? It's like weight watchers being next to IHOP - it's just plain awkward.
  • Still wanting Aunty Violets Jam Tart.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Do you know where?

It's 30 minutes past midnight. Do you know where your event planner is?

This one is bursting unknown blood vessels as she mimes obscenties so as not to wake up the household.

Who suggested that Windows 7 is a good idea? It wasn't my bleedin idea I can tell you that!!
Why can't I format as easily as I used to? Where the hell is the spell check?
Why does the font suddenly go red when it wants to?
Why is everything smaller? And don't tell me I need glasses.

I need glasses alright! Glasses full of brandy and M&Ms.

If I hear one more client boast how smart their participants are - I will ask them to build me an aeroplane out of pencils and fly me to Hawaii. If you arn't smart enough to realise that 400 people during rush hour without a permit will be difficult, then I'm sorry but you're not smart.

If I hear once more, I'm getting nervous my event is just around the corner - March 2011 and I want it confirmed now - I will arrive at someones desk and slam a 2011 British Countryside scenes calendar down their throat.

If I hear once more, can we have a minute by minute agenda with a rehearsal and a run through for an activity that needs to be improvised - I will......I will...well I don't know, but I think it is clear that I could/would/should have been a librarain.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Why my work is a TV reality show

Here is a preview on what would/could/should be a great new reality show.......

EPISODE SET UP: It is the day before a large multi program. Meaning one client is doing three events at the same time. That's alot of materials, logistics, staff and worries.

1) Jayne has a weird toothache, which makes talking painful and she now sounds like a baby Marlon Brando. The GodBaby Part One - 3 D. With subtitles.
2) There has been a flood in the office and certain event materials are sitting in a puddle.
3) All of the materials can not fit into the car - so two trips to the venue are planned.
4) By the way it is pouring with rain and ALL clients are phoning to change their outside events to indoor ones.
5) Jayne gets lost on the return and a twenty minute trip becomes 1 hour 30 minutes.
6)Another client decides that they wish to double the amount of items that have been planned for. With only a days notice to make that happen.
7) Despite screams - they can make it happen.
8) It's still raining.
9) Jayne drives back to the venue. Another client phones with a problem.She is solving it when her phone dies.
10)Eventually setting up at the venue, Jayne realizes that there are some materials missing. No problem she will phone the office. It's only 6:30pm.
11) Remembering her cell phone is dead, she smiles as she knows she packed the charger in her bag. Well, A charger is in the bag but not the right one.
10) There is a frantic run to the business center to send an email.
11) Back in the room to set up - she notices a drip coming from ceiling. Looking up we find The Bulge From The Center of the Moon just waiting to burst. Jayne moves everything and is told it will be fixed in the morning.
12) Great, she is leaving and it's only 8:30pm. Client catches her and invites her for dinner.
13) Dinner an hour later arrives in the form of a sandwich as they sit in silence in a room while client works and Jayne yawns.
14) On the morning of the day - a coffee stain is found on Jaynes shirt. Fortunately her dear husband comes to the rescue with his white shirt.
15) Event is wonderful. Simply wonderful.
16) Husband admits that Jayne looks really fat in the white shirt.
17) Stranger asks Jayne if she works at McDonalds because she looks like she is wearing the uniform.
THE END

See - how enjoyably addictive would that be?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Long dull monologue about lack of sleep

I can't sleep. I hate that.
At 9pm tonight I wanted to sleep. I have an exciting Thursday TV plan in order to get to bed at 9pm and read for an hour. I watch the re run episode of Project Runway instead of the new one at 9pm. I know, it's genius.

So I go to bed at 9pm open my book and my eyes are drifting at 9:05pm. I want to get into work early tomorrow so I switch off the light to sleep and BING, I'm awake.

It is now 2:30am. I have tried reading, worrying, trying to meditate, counting sheep, counting do nuts, getting up to watch Craig Ferguson. (He's funny, I love his timing!) Going back to bed, counting sheep, worrying, thinking, planning.

Going through the traditional dialogue from the over worked versus low self esteem point of view.
If I got up now and wrote the scavenger hunt for next week, that would be good.
I should be getting up to write my novel. Why does work come first? I could get up to write my blog. I have nothing to say. Write the scavenger hunt. Go to sleep. Why do all my teeth ache?
Oh look, my legs and feet look like a giraffe chewing grass. Get up write the scavenger hunt.

Oh please why can't I sleep????

It's fortunate that tomorrow is Look Like a Zombie at Work Day!!! Those old black eyes that I know so well!

It's not fair to wake the other family members. Especially Max The Cat who has had a busy day sleeping!!! Do cats ever snore? What if I never slept again? Wouldn't that be annoying. Maybe all the cups of coffee and the infamous Red Bull I have ever consumed have replaced my blood and now run through my veins. Maybe, this is pure jet lag from Britain and I'm in an episode of Lost and it's really 2002 again. Maybe I have finally dipped into lunacy and will be discovered on my front porch in the morning drooling about the secret to long life is not to sleep. Which would be really odd seeing as I do not have a front porch. Maybe, I'm just full of lust for experiencing every hour of the day to complete my open heart of wonder and pleasure.

It is now 3:10am............................

Oh please let me sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Birthday Blog

Today is my one year blog birthday!

What a year!! My novel will be published in December and the movie rights have finally been sold to my old friends at Working Title.

Wait - I hear reality knocking on my key board!!!
Knock knock - who's there? Jayne. Jayne who? Exactly.

Not alot to share today, just that I wanted to post something on this special day.

Do you think cats sweat when it's this hot?

Do you think I will really be able to take a client seriously who requests that my conference planning call include fun and excitement? I said to my friend, I will wear a clowns outfit and play the trumpet half way through.

Perhaps I will "Pull A Stephen Slater" on the call. I could swear loudly and leap out on the office curtains with my packet of Advil and Red Bull.
I love how Mr.Slater answered a journalist when asked "Do you think you will lose your job?" He quietly smirked "I imagine so." It sounded just like Tim Gunn on Project Runway. So classy.

Ahh well. Swollen ankles, headaches and distant ambitions will one day come back into fashion.
You'll see.

So, honestly.........do cats sweat?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Vacations

Vacations are brilliant and I have decided to become addicted to them. Please let me know if you wish to be my enabler.

I was on Block Island with my husband for a week. Block Island is named to sound like an Australian prison in order to keep people away. It is however a beautiful, tiny place in Rhode Island.

We stayed in a quaint, expensive (thank you in laws!) bed & breakfast in the heart of town.

It boasted rooms with individual names and characters such as Chantilly, Renaissance and Lovers Retreat. Due to a busy season, we had the experience of staying in a couple of different rooms during our visit.

In The Dollshouse it was not possible for both of us to stand up at the same time and there was no wardrobe and when you pack as heavy as we do this was of concern!

In the Renaissance I found myself thinking this is old fashioned and lovely, yet if I were in my Mums house I would be dragging her to Ikea and ripping off the floral wallpaper with my teeth.

I loved sitting on the front porch and watching the people pass on their rented bicycles. The healthy ones smiling and pedalling and the sweaty ones hoping that breathing skills would not be forgotten by the top of the hill.
I enjoyed hearing pieces of conversations, my favorite one being "you remember that kid, he shot the bus driver in the back of the head". Ahh, childhood!

WARNING - True Confession Time.............
One:
I could not help but hope to see a shark fin while looking at the sea.
Two:
While sitting on the dock watching the ferries, a Brinks Van unloaded and I thought what a great place for a robbery.

I think I'm turning into Tarantino.

When you go on vacation - you also have the opportunity of returning back to work and home with fresh eyes, and you can experience the evaporation back into that stress mold with the same slow horror that you feel when you realize you have been foot tapping to a country and western song.
You want to scream "nooooooooooooooo" as you notice particular locations in your life now represent a squat including flies. That people in your life decline lunch with you because they went grocery shopping the day before and that certain clients in your life expect you to customize in a fun creative style words like Anti-Angiogenesis and Immunomodulator.

As my Uncle Dick always says: you're only saying that because it's true!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Interviewing The Young

Yesterday I interviewed a female candidate for a job and here is my advice for anyone going out meeting potential bosses:

One)
Do not open with, by the time I'm forty I plan to be........
The woman opposite you who clearly has had a difficult life (black circles, wrinkles in skin and clothing, coffee, red bull & pain reliever packets everywhere) is now hating you and not listening because she is remembering back to when she was forty, and then with bitterness, trying to remember back to when she too felt forty was in a galaxy far far away.

Two)
Do not wear flip flops - even when you have been told, it is a casual office.
Being told it is a casual office is a trick.

Three)
Do not say how long hours are never a problem and how 7am to 6:45pm including travel, is a long day in the same sentence.

Four)
When asked, do you have any questions?
Do not answer no and then email someone else with a thousand questions that really point out the fact that you were not paying attention to the older, wise, sophisticated woman who is going to be your immediate boss.

Five)
Do not request a pay rise before you have been offered the job.


Just throwing my ideas out there!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Two things about Monday

A Mel Gibson of a thunder storm hit the house on Monday afternoon. Hand on heart I will proclaim - my name is Jayne and I am afraid of lightening.
Being painfully honest I am scared of electricity. If one believes in reincarnation I have to ponder who I have been in my lifetimes!!

Anyway, the storm found me crouching in a corner (not easy!) with eyes tightly shut and hands over my ears. Sweat pouring all over me, I kept whispering I am safe, I am safe. Sometimes a question mark was added as bolts hit and I heard Freddie Mercury singing Galileo in the background.

On the other side of Monday, I found the courage to reach out and ask for support from a creative community who are making connections and differences in the world. I received inspiring emails and wishes to find comfort and ease. On top of that I received a surprise care package waiting for me in my car this afternoon. WOW! Thank you Jen.

Each of these thoughts are now becoming pieced together in my mind like a jigsaw mirror. It is encouraging me to study the reflection and notice how I have been working without a key element of myself for far too long.

As I finish a working Tuesday at 2am (and I am not a nightclub singer!) I feel wide awake with regret and sadness. Now that's a waste.

I want and intend to do some tending to my heart. To return to the things that allow me to witness the beauty in the lightening rather than the fear. I wish us all that opportunity and the grace for others to support us and then do the same.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Brand New Thought

I am currently in my office and could be working, yet I find myself thinking about my dream of writing.

Today I feel exhausted, been working hard and not taking care of myself. Mentally and physically I am on the whale side of bloated.

First time ever I am going to publicly say out loud that my husband has early on set Alzheimer's.

Every day I witness him struggle with what I take for granted. My heart breaks a little each day.

I want to reverse that and to say that my heart opens each day to do my best to support him and I on our new journey.

For all of us to take for granted our dreams, talents and joys - is an extravagance. There is so much to embrace. I wonder if I can learn from looking at the opposite of my sadness? So in my tiredness, instead of feeling it as failure, I will look forward to getting an early night tonight. My physical bloating will enjoy release by drinking lots of water and slowing down this week end. My anxious heart will be calmed when I hug my husband again tonight when I allow myself to leave early from work at 5pm today.

I ask you to find peace in your hearts and health - and to wish all those in difficulty some lightness in their boldness. With love - Jayne

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Movie Recommendation

Went to see the movie "A Solitary Man" with Michael Douglas this afternoon.
(I did not go with Michael Douglas, I meant he was in the movie.)

I LOVED it. Well acted, beautifully written, damn honest and gave me an unexpected moment of "NO!" during one particular moment. Not easy for a girl who did guess that Bruce Willis was dead before the ending of "Sixth Sense."

Please see it if you can. These independent movies tend to appear and disappear quicker than a bag of popcorn.

The writing is above so much of what we see on a regular basis.

My current mood is leaving me feeling conflicted and confused. I left that movie theater desperately wanting to write, yet Agnes (inner critic) is as loud as it is hot. I am at the computer, yet I just did two hours work. Work work, not dream work. I wanted to write an indulgent blog in order to get writing. So forgive me. I find if you begin than you can continue.

I tell you something that I did try - remember cherry stones when you were a child and deciding if someone loved you or not? Lets hope its not true because I asked if I would eventually get published or not. Stupid cherries. See if I had done that with bites of a do nut, I bet it would have ended in my favor!!!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Desperatly Seeking

I thought today may be an unusual day, when I found myself thinking what it would be like to have Betty White's face. Seriously, that's what I was wondering driving into work.

I had, and still have no great conclusion to this thought. I did realize that perhaps it is more a want to be like Betty White, or at least the public personality that she presents.
Its like when you are waiting for your hair appointment and you flick through the style pages, its not the hair style you crave, its the face, the high cheek bones and the Colgate Dental White bing bing teeth.

So indeed it was an odd day. Little on the rollarcoaster ride. Not Thunder Mountain and definitely not Its a Small World.

On the drive back from work I was crying. In fact I was crying so much that a woman behind me got rather angry and started to blast her horn. I turned off the road quickly (without indicating - the rebel that I am!!!) and found myself in the parking lot of a church.

For those that do not know me I am as close to church as a camel is to getting a bikini wax.

"So strike me down right here" I scream and carry on crying.
Nothing happens. So I pull out onto the road again.
"And what was that meant to mean?" again with the screaming.
"You need comfort," were the words that pop into my head.
"And where on earth do I get that?"
No reply. So I sarcastically say:
"Food! That's where I get that. Let me eat myself to death."
There immediately I look up to see the majestic sign for McDonalds.

I laughed and cried some more as I guess my pearly gates will be the yellow arches and I will be met by a clown in big red shoes.

Story of my life really!!!!!!! NO - really.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

to write or not to write

Well a heat wave has hit New England and my ankles are celebrating with their impersonation of two hot air balloons.

I got home after a busy day at work at 7:40pm, determined to spend the evening writing.

I watched the final 15 minutes on TV of the kids version of Jeopardy. I have only just understood how to play that game. We do not have it in the UK and I have spent 8 years screaming at the TV "But what is the question?"
Anyway - I got about ten answers correct and felt intelligent.

Then I discovered that my mouth was itchy and could not solve it. It feels like I have a pineapple stuck in my mouth. If an itchy palm means coming into money and an itchy nose means there is going to be a fight - what does an itchy mouth mean? That I'm going for a long swim with a guy called Bob?

Is it a coincidence or a mistake that there is a Sponge and a Builder named Bob?

Anyway......... I decide I want to watch TV seriously, in order to relax and get inspired. Nothing on unless I want to hear "starving Jillian" lecture about diets or the British grumpy guy swear and scream at chefs. OR Cake Boss, which I used to like until repeat upon repeat, leaves you always knowing that the cake will fall, we will all gasp and then Buddy will fix it with yet more "fondaaannt."

So I could just go and write? NO, now I need to flick through a copy of The New Yorker.
I read a poem and a couple of lines in I do not understand a word. (I don't mean a word as in the meaning of the poem - I mean I don't understand an actual word. Leitmotifs ??????)

I begin to read a story and four lines in I'm jealous, slightly bored (only because I'm jealous) and wondering why do I, cockney Jayne from London, bother wanting to write? This writer (Nicole Krauss to mention no names) is writing a story about a writer who actually writes - imagine that!
Then I pick up a slim novel and five lines in I'm jealous. She too is writing about a writer who writes. (Ann Beattie to mention no names).
Remembering my day (Jayne the cockney from London) today at work:
I booked four canoes, six tickets for a rollercoaster, ordered 15 more lions, tigers or bears, discovered fabric markers cannot be shipped quickly, ordered three sock monkey t shirts, offered the UPS handsome delivery man a glass of water, said no I have not got your contract to a man in Mexico and talked about customized golf holes with a woman in Ohio.

It's fortunate I guess that I do not desire to write a book about war in Victorian Sweden with undertones of melancholic vapors reminiscent of cultural imperialism.

I guess Jayne a cockney from London will do. Maybe I could add drawings to take up more pages. Feature a pop up section perhaps and a make your own DIY kit?

Maybe, I could just write..............................................................

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Oh you young ones!

So today I studied a comment from the great Jozette regarding my blog. I read and re read her comment at least twenty times. Then I asked my assistant "what does lmao mean?" I thought it was a reference to a country or a "Free the Lama Campaign." She politely reminded me that people write with short cuts!
I was so relieved when I heard what it meant. Thank you!

I felt slightly (and I mean slightly) mature for not knowing this new lingo.
It's like when people wear those small knitted sweaters or jackets with a pair of jeans and pearls. It looks great on them, very modern Audrey Hepburn. On me, it's instant granny. Dark sunglasses give me the blind look and loose summer dresses make me look like I'm on a Greek Island cruise with the Canasta Convention Party.

Another example - I imagine Elena Kagan's hair would look great on Megan Fox.

At least I try my best with what I've got - and that is said Only Laughing Demurely. To you younger folks that's o.l.d

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Right now at 11:33pm

I continue to be busy at work. I continue to hide my honest thoughts. Even from myself, I say "Oh, don't think about that. It's different for us. This will pass."

I hear and feel other peoples sadness like a DJ collecting music. Forever grabbing at the latest hit constantly replacing and updating the play list.

It's easy to say things are good when they are. I keep refueling myself in small and simple ways.
A breathe of fresh air, a different do nut, a twelve dollar necklace from Kohls.

I keep saying, searching, looking, asking for the miracles - convincing myself they are found in the trees, the clouds and the grass. Trouble is I want more.

Each day that the page on the day calendar is removed I wonder if this will be the day - when I either get it or it gets me.
Me with my headaches and stomach aches. My husband wondering how, why and what. He looks so well, yet I imagine the fear and confusion going on inside and I can't stop it. No matter how hard I say I love you, no matter how many bills I pay, nor how many hours I work and how many times I don't do something for me, nothing changes.

It continues and never changes.

I promised that when writing this blog I would always tell the truth and aim to be funny.
Tonight I tried the trickiest one. Thanks for reading.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Dear George

I have just completed an extremely busy two weeks. Lots of programs on top of one another, lots of concerns over agendas, chairs, paint, speeches, bikes and what if someone gets lost?

I went to bed at 8pm. 8pm on a Friday night - oh my!

I was treated with a dream where I met George Clooney. I will not go into all the details, those are private. I will let you know that he did say "I always wondered what you were like. Now I know it's fat."

Yes, he said that. Quote unquote.

Great!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Joy in the Aisles

In Walmart, (should I advertise?) I found myself on a last minute shopping hunt:
3 boys bicycles NOT assembled
one white Tupperware bin
one Wizard of Oz poster
three plastic dust sheets

While I wait for the manager to see if the bikes are available, I find the Tupperware bin I need.
There follows my regular performance of getting them pried apart from one another.

It is like tugging a twenty dollar bill from a miser. Why, they pack them so tightly on those shelves I do not know!

I always end up having to pull the entire stack down. When you do that however, the plastic becomes static and because I was wearing a loose shirt, the fabric decides to stick to the Tupperware and rides deliciously up as I pull at the box.
I am now sweating and look like I am doing something obscene with the boxes.

A skinny lady approaches me with a rescue expression and asks where can she find the rubber thing she needs for her sink? I don't work here I groan from the midst of the six boxes determined to stay together. I just want one, not the army! Seperating twins must be easier.

Once that tug of war is won, my shirt now billows with energy and I'm trying to stretch my neck because my back is aching - the manager arrives with the three bikes dangerously toppling in a carriage. His face shows pity and I believe he thinks I'm expecting the triplets for the bikes "any day now". He helps me to a check out, slowly, and saying goodbye he suggests that Dave may help me.

Ten minutes later I arrive at Dave, as I cannot see behind the mountain of bikes and my Tupperware box. Long story short, Dave tells me: "You don't stand a chance of fitting that into your car."

I guess Dave did not think triplets were a possibility as he then watches me huff and puff as I do indeed fit everything in, all by myself!
I remember days when guys called Dave would help me load in an envelope!

"Well you were lucky," he sniffs showing his disappointment with my success.

Ahh, it's the little things, isn't it!

Monday, May 31, 2010

After The Graduation

Returned from The Graduation full of pride and anticipation to see what happens next.

Having witnessed now, two university graduations, I would love to include a speech from an unknown. Maybe a parent.

It is great to hear from someone successful, in this case it was Mayor Bloomburg. Isn't it easy though to give advice when you are succeeding with your plan?
What about the struggle from those who have not?

I get tired of hearing how school life is not the real world. It is real, for that moment, and I feel one of the most basic things that you learn is underestimated and quickly forgotten.

In school it is mandatory to study. It is accepted that this is a time to question, to try, to fail, to have fun, to grow.

You should not stop just because you folded your $90 robe away.

When I graduated I truly believed that I would succeed. I had no thought that I wouldn't. Without working on my self esteem and confidence I lost that feeling without being aware. Gradually I avoided situations to face my ambition and when I created opportunities I ran away from them. Even to the point of running in my thirties. I realize now, my actions are just a habit.

The same as a student will work and work until their eyes close in a library or the sixth Red Bull of the day has been finished, their work attitude and hunger is a habit.
If not cherished, anything is lost so easily as blowing out a candle.

It is not just about going for what you want and never saying no. It is about continually checking in with who you are and remaining authentic. It is doing more than another when you believe you know how. It is about asking and listening and understanding to ask again, or to another, when you feel misguided. It is not about the attack and the control - it is so much about trust and seeking the solid support from others and always from yourself.

The skills of what we learn in school could be exactly and only what we need. One wonders who started the "out in the real world" expression. Someone who did not understand, perhaps?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Random Thought

Does anyone have a elephant gun with Valium that I may rent?
Not sure I would be allowed to travel with such an item though. Southwest only allows one bag, and that's not the sort of item I would like to try and hide.

How on earth do families travel with children?

Good news is I am learning about higher power. I was inspired recently by the weird visit from the Dali Lama on the Today show. So I have positive thoughts and a strong mantra containing bad language in my mind. Plus I have yet another new adventure in under garments called Higher Power. The recommending friend who wishes to remain nameless has promised that I will look good. If the recommending friend has this wrong, they will not remain nameless!

If one can see through the tension of this trip (graduation time!) the occasion is wonderful. Celebrating achievement, rewarding hard work and hours of endless study. Warmly and loudly saying "Well done and Good Luck."
I love moments when we can celebrate - everyone deserves and needs those times. I wish with everything I own ,that this may be witnessed from the heart and not the mind.

If not, as my friend Jen said - you can write an indie movie that will get attention and win the surprise Oscar. Jen suggested we meet next week to discuss Oscar ceremony gowns - see there's always a silver lining - or a lining so that your knicker lines don't show through the frock!!!!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

A long post regarding Casual

I really get bored and roll my eyes when people talk about weight issues.

So I am now bored and rolling my eyes at myself when I share with you, yet another under garment story.
If you are a male reader (Hi Jen's Dad) there is no need to continue reading.

Here is a fact, I love the hot weather. It would suit me a great deal better though if I were not my wonderfully round shape. Example: I am currently in danger of having kids jump on me at the beach thinking that I am poor whale who has come too far.

So, when being on the round styling of life, when one receives an invitation that sounds like this:
"Hey, we're having a barbecue, pop over, just a casual thing, we're not dressing up."
I hear:
"Hey, we're having delicious food that you should not eat, and we will be wearing shorts, it'll be great to see what you can wear."

Casual! Casual!

Casual to me means - track suit, over size t shirt, over size dress with slippers.

Casual to you slim folk equals - shorts, t shirts with tiny straps, flip flops on your feet showing beautifully manicured nails, a tan and golden highlights - how on earth has everyone but me got a tan already? Is there some 24 hour hair/nail/tan salon open that runs a tailoring service to get shorts and tops that fit so well? Who knows about this and did not tell me?

So on the casual invite day, I decide to try out this great corset contraption that is currently advertised on TV and that I found in CVS on the shelf next to the PedEgg and the Miracle Sham. They only had a medium size, surely that could make you even slimmer?

Removing it from the box I actually think it could work, it is as tough as Mike Tyson and as elastic as metal.

My waist is legally medium, my hips however are hippo and the damn thing will not get further than my knees. The box says just pull and I consider phoning a truck service, but it's not going to work. Can you believe that I have to go on a diet to fit in a "no need to diet" contraption?

Then I pull out another previously bought in desperation garment. This successfully gets over the hippos and kind of pulls everything in. I can't find the straps though and can not bend to open the drawer I'm sure they are in.

Striding like a cowboy to the mirror I hope that wearing a bra and this thing may work, only to discover that I have magically grown two sets of breasts. My own and another pair that I watch rolling and forming from the fabric of the corset. It also appears that I have a hump on my back, presumably from yet more rolled up fat trying to escape.

It is not an attractive sight and I am not amused!

I know there is an answer and I know it involves lettuce.
I know I could/would/should enjoy casual, regardless of burgers, sizes and shorts.
I know in the big scheme of things, it really does not matter.

I guess, it's just that it is the big scheme of things and casual sadly does not fit.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Anniversary Love

It was my wedding anniversary on the 12th, about 15 minutes ago.
All day I said we had been married for 8 years, and now I realize it has been 9 years!

Marriage is funny. I have nothing new or wise to say about it.

Friendship & laughter is key.

My husband has always made me laugh. When we first met, we spent a lively evening with friends where everyone would have won comedian of the year. It was the perfect night, where we were all relaxed, trusting and enjoying great company. If I were to write a list of my favorite moments, that evening would feature high.

Of the love in my life with family and friends, I always have laughter.

Lorna with Bhindi Bhindi, Elephant Man The Musical & Jesus was a carpenter.
Brenda with a black dress on backwards, bouncers birds & its a wide as its long.
Jen last week with a cat and a gas mask.
My brother with a cup of tea & a slice of cake.
My Mum & Dad for introducing laughter.

And, my husband. My wonderful brave David, this morning delivering a made up French commentary for the Cannes Film Festival and for doing his great imitation of Steve Martin dancing.

ADVICE:
If you don't have laughter, you better change who you are mixing with!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Somewhere over..........

I experienced a frazzled end of my work day today. It happens and it's natural, though I do not like when my frazziness shows!

I was driving home thinking/sulking/attempting forgetting and the sky was that amazing ink black where everything is highlighted from the sun.

I pulled out onto the main road, and there was a rainbow. Not just a faded bit ending nowhere. I saw an entire arch of a rainbow. It was a wonderfully colored gorgeous full rainbow with a start and an end somewhere near Brockton. I have never seen one before.

As a kid I hated the day when the science teacher explained a rainbow. I longed for a leprechaun to jump out from the equipment cupboard with a test tube of gold and scream not to listen to the buggers of science.

So as I drove, I rummaged for my camera. Sorry Oprah - I know you said not to pick up the cell phone, but cameras don't count. This was my AHA moment.

I could not find the camera, I found a banana in my bag instead. Who knew?

So I enjoyed that as I drove along next to the rainbow....way up high.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

A Moving Monday

OK own up!

Who moved May 3rd to this coming Monday?

For at least a month it has been next Thursday in Jayne's world.

Can you imagine the shock that hit me when at 1pm today I realised May 3rd was only 5 days away and not 8 days?

In an event planners world, the number of days equal that to the way kids count the days in December.

What felt like semi organized shifted into semi panic. Semi panic in an event planners world is a smile instead of a grin and hair twisted into a french knot, instead of beautifully loose yet staying in perfect position.

On the surface you would never know an event planner was in semi panic mode - you need to look closely to discover the can of Red Bull being crunched inside their left cheek while Advil jumps around inside the right cheek.

Do not be fooled by the manicured nails. These are instruments of torture with a purpose. They keep the event planner alert as they drive such nails into their own palms while holding in the other hand the emergency solving phone. It is almost biblical.

Begging in an event planners world sounds like a milk maid in the country thanking her cows.

The voice is breathy, pleasant, a gentle touch of an angels wing. Through clenched jaw, shoulders, hair and teeth an event planner will whisper: "Please, do try. I know you can help me find 200 boys bikes without brakes, or 800 packets of wet wipes for only 1 cent each in Florida, or get to the event today that you promised you would attend three days ago and yet today you mysteriously are not interested. Please."

Do not be fooled by the current trend of event planners listening to classical music with a scented candle burning on their desk. The music is to get them used to music that they may hear while in long term therapy. The candles are multi purpose (of course). One, to cover up any unwanted aroma from the various shoes that sit around their desk and two, The "It could all be over in one simple swipe of the candle" get out clause.

Yes, it was quite the moment when I discovered May 3rd is next Monday.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

just had to share

"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity."

— T.S. Eliot

You have got to be kidding!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Miss me?

Well, I can see that you have all missed me from the many begging letters for more blogs!
(Don't you love sarcasm?)
Here is my update:

1) I am amazed by Spring. You leave your garden in the morning then return in the evening to see more plants reaching up to say hello. Tonight I actually wondered if someone had planted some as a surprise!

2) I flicked over to Biggest Loser in a commercial from American Idol - and yet in the two minutes I saw, I ended up in tears again!

3) Is it me, or do you think the backing singers are really bad on American Idol this season? Everything sounds old fashioned with their oohh ahhs. Contestants - you are better off without them.

4) I am cheering on my brother and his gorgeous wife as they attempt a wondrous change. I love, admire and miss seeing them both.

5) Just finished reading Little Bee by Chris Cleave. Brilliant, brilliant - get a copy!

6) Had a great joke about April 20th today - but I cannot share it. I won't - so don't ask me. I'm just telling you it was funny.

5) White coconut chocolate...............oh my!!!!!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Becoming Gabriel

Last night I had a dream that I had become the Arc Angel Gabriel. Is it Arc or Arch?


How weird is that! I didn't even eat cheese.


In the dream I was part of a seance that I did not want to attend. As soon as it started I floated up away from my chair toward the ceiling. I was pretty scared. Then a voice started to tell me that it was OK and not to be frightened. "This is a good thing, nothing bad" the voice told me.


This could mean three things:

1) I'm going to get religious.

2) I'm going mad.

3) I am going to watch Field of Dreams again.


I remember practicing flying round the room and discovering that slowly passing through human bodies created an ecstatic feeling for them as well as myself. For readers who are British, please insert a Syd James laugh at this point!


Now that I had great powers I wished that I would wake up without a headache, that my husband would be well and that we had won the greatest amount in history on the lottery and would be able to do everything that we wanted for family and the world.


To my wishes though, I was instructed that I would feel and see everyone's pain, and would never be able to do anything about it.


I believe I was arguing the point, when Max the cat woke me up with a paw punch to the face.


Later in the morning I tried my hand at willing the broken office printer to work – it did not.

Anyone who needs to look that dream up in a book to understand it, will never become a therapist!



Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Amazing ???

I love The Amazing Race.
On Sunday the teams were in France and they were instructed to find the statue of Joan of Arc.
One lady said "oh, that's the guy with all the animals."
Now, you just can't make that stuff up!

The other part that made me laugh was the weird mime guy they had at the final pit stop.
He had the white face but with red lips ala Rouge La Joker in Batman. When he bowed you could see the skin on the back of his neck. You would have thought in the land of Marcel Marceau, that they could have found a better mime! It was probably the camera man who pulled the shortest straw.

Still a great show.

Today I am tired of my negative spin. I feel Toxic, I think that's the word all the kids are saying. So, I'm going to drink only water today to have a cleanse - again, I think thats the word the trend is saying.

Mind you, I am gladI decided this after my cup of tea and large bowl of cherrios! I will let you know how I do!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Jaynes Newsletter

I just received a newsletter from a busy and successful author. I am so jealous, envious (pleased for her) mainly jealous, envious and did I say jealous?

It promotes her new book coming out, a book tour, a great give away to get more readers and then slips in the fact that she is half way through another novel.

So here is my newsletter.................

I'm half way through two novels - reading them.
I have nothing to give away to anyone - sorry!
I will be going on a book tour - through Barnes & Noble and Borders to get more jealous.
The End.

How's that? Do you feel inspired?

Funny how people get it right and others do not!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Celebration

On the news this morning there was a wonderful story about a child recovering from a coma.
They had considered this to be a time to say goodbye and then the doctors suggested trying a new treatment and it worked! It worked so well, that the hope, indeed the plan is for a full recovery.

It's fantastic! The mother said, it is a miracle, it is down to God and all the prayers that people were saying.

I truly, truly wished she had also said, that it is down to funding and research that such cutting edge treatments can be discovered, tried and have an opportunity to succeed.

It is down to the incredible work of doctors, nurses, researchers who ask "what if we did this?" It is down to all the hours spent in a classroom and a lab. It is all the people who allow themselves in their journey to death to sign a form and say "yes, you can use me as a guinea pig on the chance of finding a cure."
It is down to the millions of people who organize and sign up for walks or runs or bake offs in an attempt to raise money so that more research can be obtained, during a time when some people cannot afford to buy a headache pill let alone medical insurance.

If I cannot blame God when the doctors shake their heads at me remarking "well, we are not sure" then I can not rejoice when medicine finally has a break through.

There are no miracles, just fantastic, wonderful, amazing successes. For that I celebrate.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I love The Oscars

I love The Oscars - always have done and always will.

I used to watch as a kid, staying up till about 4am in England. At that time I imagined that by the age of 35 I would have received two Oscars. Barry Norman used to say about me..."well, if she is as good an actress as she is pretty, then we are very lucky...and, indeed, lucky we are!"
You have to be a Brit to understand that reference.

I am a big fan of Steve Martin and loved his entrance with Alec Baldwin. They were great together. You must see "It's Complicated". Meryl Streep with those two is like a coffee and a great do nut. Its like not only finding the extra fries at the bottom of a bag but discovering an onion ring in there as well. Its like finding the tener in your pocket that you forgot about. Just go see the movie!

I am very happy with all the Oscar results, though I found myself suddenly wanting Gabby (I can call her that on account of not knowing her correct name) to win. She was brilliant in that movie "Precious". That ability to go that miserable when she appears to be confident and funny.

I did not approve of James Cameron being seated behind the ex Mrs all night. I wonder if Katheryn had a bad head ache following all the daggers that were aimed at the back of her head.

I thought part of the set looked like a bunch of table lamps and I really felt that Lauren Bacall should have had the opportunity to make a speech during that ceremony.

George of course looked gloriously, fantastically handsome, confident and younger.
I find myself not knowing if I would prefer to be Tina Fey or Georges current girlfriend?

I admit (slightly blushing as I share this) that I still whisper an Oscar acceptance speech.
It has finally dawned on me, tonight at 10:42 as I wait for the Tylenol PM to work, that 100% belief in something does not make it happen. I forgot about the "action" part.

On this desk where an Oscar would/could/should stand I see that there are four books.
"Screenwriting", beneath "The Work we were Born to do" beneath "Who moved my Cheese" on top of "Century of Struggle".

As I say...says it all!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Thursdays Visitors

Thursdays stars said I would have visitors to my door.

These callers could include people in the sciences, or in the occult, or people who deal with money, such as bankers, investment counselors, or real estate brokers.

What a weird bunch that would be in my living room. A witch of the occult called Etnarina talking to Harold the insurance broker.

Nobody came to the door, and if the doorbell would have rung I would have turned off the lights and hidden on the floor.

I wish my stars could be a little more optimistic in their invitation for visitors. I may have felt more inspired to read that I could expect George Clooney and a man from the lottery board with a two million check for me.

Talking of George Clooney - if he was not who he was that name would conjure up a really skinny boring geek guy with a degree in acne and math. I'm just talking out loud!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Concentration

My Dearest Concentration,

Why did you break up with me? I don't understand it.
What did I do wrong?
My fear is that I over worked you. Left you with far too many chores. I know I took you for granted and for that I will never forgive myself. That is possibly due to having you around for 40 odd years.

Please let me know we are only on a break. I cannot imagine living without you. The days feel longer without that focus and energy you so freely gave. My tasks sit in front of me, mocking me with their grand scale and nasty grins to match.

Yes I admit I cheated on you with food and too much coffee. Yes I admit that at times I put my success down to Red Bull. Now I am on my knees begging you, please my true love return.

Always -

Jayne

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Break The Rules

A good friend of mine writes a great newsletter. The recent addition talks about change.

I need a change, so today I have titled Break The Rules Day.

I am a fan of theme days, have often enjoyed them and seen the benefits. The Pink and Gold Theory developed from a theme day and that is pure art in motion. I may have already discussed Pink and Gold in a previous blog, if not, go visit with Brenda and she will tell you all about it.

My last theme days were interesting. One the other month was where I said YES to everything. I ended up with having to complete two proposals by the end of that day (adding to my work load dramatically) and agreed to being in a diet competition which I am losing badly at! (And of course not LOSING weight!)
I swear at some point in time I was at a hypnosis show and they put a spell on me to react by over eating when anyone says the word diet.

I had an Anna Wintour day this week, inspired from seeing the DVD of The September Issue. It was mildly effective. All dressed up (at last) and in Dunkin Do Nuts (yes I actually got out of my car and went IN. A good looking man in front of me was ordering many things including "sausage on an English, then egg and cheese on an English, and then another sausage on an English." To which I said to him with fully loaded mascara eyes and deep voice - "I'm English!"

Fortunately he misheard me and I stood there completely embarrassed that I had said such a thing. That is NOT like me.....anymore. It was the Anna Wintour thing - although I truly doubt that she has ever flirted in her life.

Is it just me or does anyone else think that Crystal Bowersox had two teeth missing last night on American Idol? I do not remember seeing the gaps previously.
Is it just me or does anyone else wonder if the ACAI Berry is so fantastic, why is our wonderful Oprah looking bigger again. Didn't she promote that pill?
Is it just me or was anyone else more relieved that Vienna got her roots done than Jake finally choosing her? I hope she gets a new hairdresser as well as a husband.
And is it just me that screams how unfair it is that an astronaut is in a dancing competition against a pussy cat doll?
Be honest, it's just me isn't?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Double Whammie

OK, this made me laugh and deserves to be shown in one blog.

On Thursday my stars said....

A passionate letter or phone call could come from a close friend or romantic partner. The person may be confused and rather tormented by his feelings, Jayne. Be kind and sensitive to him!

How exciting I thought! Then of course how disrespectful are my stars? Why does the passionate letter I receive have to be from someone who is confused and tormented!

What??? Do I no longer deserve the attention from someone whose thoughts become happier when they add my name?

Why I can't I be the receiver of a true passionate love letter? Remember those? The days of writing carefully and spraying perfume over the page. The times you practised your signature so that it looked inspiring and lustful at the same time. The days that you chose words such as desire, longing and my heart whispers your name with every beat.

So I spent the day, secretly hoping to receive an actual letter and yet fearing that if I did it would be from a deranged person who rocks constantly, wears a faded t shirt with holes in it and spoke to me once in 1994 (it was a good year!)

Anyway....

On Friday my stars said..........
Disappointing letters or phone calls could come your way today. Don't let this spoil your mood. These things happen.

On Thursday I'm getting a passionate letter and on Friday I'm getting a disappointing letter.
Make your mind up stars! AND remember that we rarely receive letters these days.
Just emails that say words like concerned, owe money, I need this now, conference call, blah blah blah.
By the way I also receive phone calls that just say words like concerned, owe money, I need this now, conference call, blah blah blah.


Do the young at heart now send romantic text messages and publicly flirt on Facebook?
Can anyone buy writing paper anymore that does not fit in a printer?

I am spraying my screen with Channel number 5 for sentimental value. Ahhh, that's better!

Favorite song of the Day: Northern Sky - Nick Drake
Favorite Food of the Day: Stuffed Red Peppers (no I did not cook, it was a 4 minutes in the microwave job, really good though!)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Mondays Lack of reality

On Monday my stars said........

Today is a good day for meditation, Jayne.

Excuse me dear stars, its a work day. How can I do that? Some days I drive into work chanting "today is a great day!" I have an hours commute so that's alot of great day thoughts. I have the feeling though the stars mean more of an ooommmmmm, legs crossed, open palm meditation.

You have probably been trying to distract yourself from some unresolved issues through too much shopping or eating.

Sounds like a solution to me!

It would do you some good to get outside and connect with nature. Try taking a long walk in a park or forest.

It's freezing out there! I'm not walking anywhere.

You are much more likely to find perspective there than at the mall.

Perspective could be/should be a store full of free books, coffee and shoulder massages.
I'm just suggesting that may also be fun!

I love how my stars always have a kind of a mystic quality about them. The mention of distant lands, of long walks and dreams. I'm glad they make my day into poetry.
Better than - you will not be able to wash your hair because of the lack of hot water this morning. You will regret this when you see how awful you look and notice you are wearing odd socks.

Talking of the use of words; I was in Michaels the other day (I love that shop.)
One of the staff was busy decorating a desk with hearts and plastic ivy.
Here is the following conversation:
Co Worker: Oh, that looks nice.
Floral worker with ivy in hand: Yes I'm doing ambiance.
Co Worker: Oh you and your long words.
Floral Worker: said in a disgruntled voice: It's not me, it's a "Michaels" word.

There's reality!

Favorite Song of the Day: Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers
Favorite Food of the Day: Pineapple chunks in jelly - I told you - don't ask!

Superbowl Sunday - Go the Saints

On Sunday my Stars said..........

You may not be terribly impressed with the activity going on around you, Jayne, but this does not mean that you have to be miserable because of it. This is no time to sit back and let others take the lead. If you see something that you don't agree with, step up and make it known.

I do not understand sport at all - especially anything where running occurs. So thank you for the advice, but I did not feel it appropriate to phone up The Colts and tell them where they were going wrong.

I was excited for the Superbowl to be on - simply for the occasion, tradition and in the end to celebrate.

I love New Orleans. Arrived there years ago after a long and interesting Greyhound bus ride from Florida. I discovered the odd joy that is a Butterfinger during that trip. That sounds so wrong, but you know what I mean.

New Orleans is incredible. I cannot imagine facing anything like they went through and are still going through.

So my British congrats to New Orleans!

During the game, I by the way made a very bland chili and started a jigsaw puzzle. I know, you just want to be me, don't you!

Favorite Food of the Day: My bland chili because I made it
Favorite Song of The Day: Who Are You? By the Who

Saturdays - Popeye Discovery

On Saturday my stars said....

Good news from distant lands could find you feeling good about your life, eagerly anticipating the upcoming months. Your thinking is sharp and clear, Jayne, so this is a good day to make plans of any kind, particularly if they involve travel or education.

Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, no, can't think of anything.
I'm not sure if I was thinking that clearly as I walked into the gym. Yes, you read correctly I walked into the gym. I am not going to elaborate, so don't ask!

Anyway I was walking, holding on for dear life, eyes trying to avoid the food network (why do they do that in a gym?? It is severe punishment.) I was walking between ESPN, a weird channel with pirates on it and the movie Jerry Maguire. As Tom Cruise made out with whats her name, I discovered I was the only person "working out" who could not stop yawning.

Another thing I noticed was Popeye's grandson. I watched him lift a few weights for a minute and then walk around for at least ten minutes. His face did not shift expression. He again lifted a weight and then walked around. This continued throughout my torture, I mean "work out".

Whether walking or embracing a ton of metal, his grimace of pain did not change. I wondered if he had paid for a face lift and picked the "angry weight lifter look".
I worked out that the walking around is to stop guys like these from falling over, as their arm muscles are bigger than their heads. Must be odd really!

Favorite song of the Day: Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
Favorite Food of The Day: A Florida Orange - I told you don't ask!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Closer to Hawaii

Saturdays stars said this...

Something may be working to get your dander rising today, Jayne. Hot tempers and strong opinions are being voiced right and left. Go with the flow and try to see the big picture.

These stars were wrong for me, I'm glad to report. I do like the term "get your dander rising."
It's a shame that it has a negative meaning because it should mean something fun and silly.
Like a belly laugh that begins with a giggle or a night out with friends that you do not want to go to and yet it's that night that you meet an attractive man with a Mercedes and stocks in Red Door spas. (Come on I'm dreaming!)

Anyway, my note here is a funny thing about my longing to go to Hawaii.

I had dinner on Saturday at a restaurant that is now featured on my favorite restaurant list.
Roy's in Bonita Springs Florida. Oh my goodness what a fabulous place. The food was as great as the service. The atmosphere was busy and fun, yet you felt like you were the only ones getting attention. It was not that type of a noisy restaurant that makes you need to shout to be heard and you find you eat faster and faster because the waiters are flashing by so quickly.

I had butterfish. I have never heard of butter fish - but I know why it is called that. It melted. AND, was I glad that I had been warned, as I did leave room for an incredible dessert - a chocolate souffle.Oh, oh, oh!

Also receiving an oh, oh, oh was the titled "1988" cocktail. I do not often enjoy an cocktail. I have a "Mai Tai" Domican Republic episode that did not have a pretty ending! I was glad to come out of cocktail retirement to sip this ONE slowly.

I am extremely lucky to be have been treated to wonderful meal and restaurant visits throughout my life. I have never taken a single one for granted. Thank you to Joe & Jean for making this one happen.

Especially as it came with an extra special smile for me; this restaurant was Hawain fusion, first opening in Honoulo in 1988. It was a little sign that maybe I could get there, one flip flop and one cocktail at a time.

Favorite Food of the Day: Butterfish
Favorite Song of the Day: Hey Soul Sister - Train

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The self indulgent Tuesday blog

Tuesdays stars said

A long-awaited vacation, or even a move you've been hoping to make, could finally be made possible today, Jayne.

I have been waiting for a vacation for about 6 years. I have had time off and should not complain. It was great to have Mum here for the Christmas and New Year. I would not exchange that for anything.
I am talking about the type of beach vacation though - I have not had one of those in years AND for the record have only had one week in FL with my husband, ever!

I want to lay on a beach with my husband in Hawaii. I would even get up and swim and walk and read and snooze and smile and dance and do all those things they do on the "Sandals" commercials. I would even look good wearing white linen trousers with hair that is suddenly blond. I would even lay in a hammock, my fear of falling is not a good match for hammocks - yet in Hawaii - surely a fear of anything would not exsist?

My stars continue to say...
Before you go, however........

Please note my stars always have a however………

there may be some paperwork that needs to be taken care of.

Yes of course, some paperwork needs to be taken care of. Tickets for example!!!!!
Honestly!

Favorite Food of the day: Chocolate Chip Muffin Top
Favorite Song of the Day: The Climb - Miley Cyrus (I was very surprised to find this was her)