Saturday, September 26, 2009

Friday's Nuts

Friday's stars said this:

If you have ties to any of the therapeutic professions, Jayne, you may make a strange discovery related to the health field today.

I do not have a therapeutic profession. In fact, if my job had a theme song, it would be the entire soundtrack to the great movie Pulp Fiction. The opening song, including words said and screamed, sum up my Friday.

That being said, I am in the exceptionally lucky group of people, who can say that I love what I do. It just has a certain craziness linked to it. Kind of like the old relative that you have to go visit sometimes and try so hard to ignore their scattered conversation and the drooling.

I actually did have two discoveries on Friday, both very much related to health.
One that is obvious, is, that I wish I could remain patient when three urgent problems are in full speed at the same time. I know that the hunching of my shoulders and the clenching my jaws is not solving the problem. My voice takes on Julie Andrews while my body becomes the love child of The Hulk and the Bride of Frankenstein. As my colleague advised "It's not exercise you need, it's an exorcism."

My neck and shoulders are so tight, my eyelids click when I blink. Even my hair now has a self induced perm. I love having a head ache because it means my migraine has gone away. I think it's time to admit, that I feel the stress! Today on my to do list, number eight says relax!

Oh and the other discovery I made is going to be a revolutionary diet. It really works. Are you ready? In the morning eat handfuls (at least six) of mixed luxury nuts that you find in a tin in your car while driving. Follow this by drinking one large cup of coffee with an un-toasted strawberry pop tart you find in your desk drawer. Wait for five minutes and drink one medium cup of coffee with a kit kat. You will feel so sick that you will not want to eat. Well until lunchtime, but it's a start!

Favorite Food of the Day; Strawberry Laffy Taffy
Favorite Song of The Day: Misirlou - Dick Del and his Del Tones

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Monday's Mid Life Crisis

Monday's stars said this:

After the emotional havoc you went through over the last few weeks, the period beginning today will be quite soothing. You can take advantage of these smoother, calmer waters to rediscover inner emotional harmony and improve the balance of your energy flows.

Isn't that nice to hear. Though you would imagine that I am the President of a Multi National Island in crisis with a family of fourteen children to feed. Honestly my life is not that dramatic.
We all have our stories and our issues and we do not wear t shirts declaring them to the world. You never know what the person is going through who just handed you your dry cleaning or phoned and asked if you would take a few moments to do a survey.

It is making me slighter nervous that since my birthday I am receiving emails that say "Remove Excess Hair ", "Is it time for the lift?"and "Brown Bag Makeover". Pretty scary stuff. What is a brown bag make over? I suppose I should have read the email.

I am aware of getting older when a hang over describes my stomach and a pair of jeans.
When the walk of shame means going into a Weight Watchers meeting and when my new hobby is grinding my teeth. Am I one step away from telling the neighbor's kids not to skate board past my front door?

No, I don't actually believe so. I just enjoy the cliched image of it all. I wish, however, I were heading into the cliche of the attractive older woman who has style and grace. Why can't I be Mrs.Robinson but without all the cigarettes and the naughty stuff?

I am aware that I am blossoming (perfect word) into the theatrical auntie type. The one who invites people over for afternoon tea and serves wild raspberry sponge cake that is lopsided and too sweet. The woman who wears alot of purple with large jeweled necklaces and carries around photos of her cat.

I mean look, I already read my horoscope, my fat ankles demand flat shoes and I enjoy a Saturday night of cross stitch embroidery!

When I start wearing hats, I will know I have crossed into the Mad Auntie Jayne zone.

It's too soon for that. I went through a poor patch in my thirties that are known as The White Cardigan Years. They were not to be proud of. Brenda knows what I'm talking about. Now I see myself headed to The Purple Cardigan Years! I feel a rebellion coming on - quick get me to a tattooist, let me cut my hair and buy a pair of jeans with diamond studs all over them. Do leather leggings come in a size twenty?

Favorite Food of the Day: Rolos
Favorite Song of the Day: Viva La Vida by Coldplay

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Fridays R and R

Friday was my birthday! My stars knew this (obviously) and were determined to celebrate and inspire joy for the day and indeed the following year. Here is what my stars said:

Today you might be feeling a little under the weather, due to physical and emotional stress over the past few days.

Well, that's not good! Even though it's kind of true, that's not the point! Surely in the big department of horoscopes, it is instructed to send happiness on your birthday. This would be easy to organize, with an excel spreadsheet and a Microsoft database. Come on, we deserve some help down here! We expect our horoscopes to lie at least once a year.

It should say - you look fabulous Jayne and will do so for your entire 43rd year. It will be easy to get everything you want and even more. Hold on for the best year ever. Imagine reading a horoscope like that!

Anyway. Despite my under the weather appearance. I had a birthday to smile about.

I received in my office, just want I needed in R&R. My version - Rolos and Red Bull. I love that everyone had bought Rolos and Red Bull for me. These are known to be the secret trick to my success at work. They are sweet, effective, buzzy and chewy. They will make you calm, shake your spirits up and give you a unique, indulgent lift. Please try it next time you want to smile and can't make the effort. My formula of R&R will work. Guaranteed! BUT wait, there's more.....

I also received Play Doh Fun Factory. Now, you can't get better than that! As a kid, I loved my Play Doh hair salon. Remember making a perm? Or braiding lots of long strands of green Play Doh? And the bowls of multi colored spaghetti you could make! In the day, I served many a Play Doh meal to my poor family as I run a restaurant in the living room called Chez Jaynes.

Play Doh Fun Factory has everything you need to bring creativity into your office. It has color, it has great shape making opportunities and the smell! Oh that wonderful smell.
As an adult it is even better because nobody tells you off for mixing the colors or for leaving some of it out, to find it hardening and resulting in a non-pleasant lump on the table.

A toy is the best gift to receive. It reminds you of play - of simpler decisions. It brings a contentment that perfume or clothing doesn't. Even a perfect pair of shoes can give you a bunion - Play Doh doesn't. Even a massage with hot stones can end up being disappointing. Play Doh does not disappoint. (By the way am I the only one who wants to cry when they hear that whimsical music playing in a spa? It sounds so sad, and with all the dark lighting and candles burning, I always feel like I'm going to meet my end on that table, with my head in that hole while Ursula "soothes and eases". )

Play Doh does not provide such confusion. It's simple, squishy and optimistic. (Bit like me!) Nor does it incorrectly promise to solve your life, like a hypnosis CD or a set of books titled "Change Your Life and Watch a Melon Ripen" or some such title. Play Doh delivers fun, just as the title says it will.

The Play Doh Fun Factory box is surprisingly very grown up. It says you can roll, mold and extrude. WOW! Just what you expect to do at your desk on a Friday morning. I openly admit, that after I had rolled and molded, I watched the extreme ease of it's extrusion and became very jealous of my Play Doh Fun Factory. You truly have to watch one in action to appreciate what I mean.

Roll, mold, extrude - instructions for a happy day!

Favorite Food of the Day: Birthday Cake
Favorite Song of the Day: Everybody Dance Now by Bob Sinclair