Thursday, August 20, 2009

Thursday - if Austen had a blog.

To my relief and delight my stars are back. Thank you!

So, today my stars say this:

This time of new beginnings is extremely important Jayne, and it would behoove you now to probe your depths and do a personal systems check to fix any internal quirks that might give you trouble in the future.

This reads straight from a medical journal written when Jane Austen wrote a blog. Behoove! Behoove? I had to read that thrice, me thinkest it is an olde word of ye wisdom from nay my brothers head of broiled wit and twixt...... you get the gist.

"Behoove Mr.Darcy please!"
Suggestion number two: "I must depart to get my horse behooved today."
Or "There are plenty of bees in the beehove Mrs.Bumble!"

What does behoove mean? I have never seen that word before. The fact that it appears in the same sentence as probe your depths frightens me. Will this hurt? Especially as it may fix my internal quirks - of which this week I have had many!

I am all for behooving it and probing it, as soon as I have worked out what it is, because I get the feeling that it is important. I do have a big irritating mosquito bite on my ankle, but that's not internal. Though I certainly hope it is for the mosquito! He must have been there for at least an afternoon munching away. Leave it to me to attract the ring leader of the over eaters anonymous for mosquito's.

By the way - you may want to read this part if you are following the story of The Foundation Garment of The Year. (If not, I behoove you!)

I know where I am going wrong, regarding The Foundation Garment of The Year. I actually believed in something that I bought that had Miracle in its title. It said it would make me look ten pounds lighter in ten seconds. Well it might have, but it took me twenty minutes to get it on. So I guess by the time it was maneuvered over the largest distance, it had lost its miracle.

You have to be quick where miracles are concerned and I should imagine some kind of pulley system may be of assistance.

So, I'm still on the hunt and the clock is ticking.

Behoove - (bi-HOOV) vi-hooved, -hooving. be necessary or fitting for.

Emmmmmm. Interesting.

Favorite Food of the Day: McDonalds Fries
Favorite Song of The Day: Keep It Comin' Love by KC and The Sunshine Band

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wednesday - is this a sign?

Today my stars say this:





That's right, nothing! I actually did not receive my daily stars today. How weird is that!
I checked my in box twice, my deleted box, my junk in the trunk, my out box, my favorites, my cookies, my everything and no stars.

Is this a sign? Am I being watched? Does anyone think I was being sarcastic, because I wasn't.
In fact I was inspired. So should a lack of their appearance tell me to stop? Kind of like waiting at the airport arrivals for your Spanish lover to come, when he said he would, and he doesn't! How many planes do you watch arrive before giving up and going home, solo and broken hearted.

Today was an odd day. Nothing awful, just kind of quirky. Maybe my stars knew and did not know what to say that would fit the experience of Wednesday.

I was at an office today that was newly renovated. Very cool with bright walls, lots of space (lack of work force maybe?) modern artwork and obviously very green in color and attitude. They had those cubes going on.

I have never worked in a cube. I wonder does it make you feel safe and secure? As I walked by I peered at some of the faces, the real ones, not the ones in the photographs pinned by their computer screens. I was reminded of those cats and dogs you see in windows that beg you to come inside and make them a pet.

This office lacked music and energy. Maybe the big boss was in and when they are out, the cubes whoosh up into the air and disco blasts along with the air conditioning and they hold Moonwalk competitions along the corridors.

Anyway, who am I to suggest what works. I got home to find a sock inside the cutlery drawer.
At least it was sitting with the spoons.

Favorite Food of the Day: Strawberry Pop Tart
Favorite Song of the Day: Us by Regina Spektor

Monday, August 17, 2009

Monday in Happy Non Motion

Today my stars say:

This may not be the most energetic of days for you, Jayne. You have been working exceptionally hard lately, and your body needs time to refuel.

I love that! Even my stars tell me that not only do I desire rest that I actually need rest.
They must have seen me lazing on the beach Saturday and Sunday, and thought, look how happy she is, content not to move.

Stars continue to point out:

Even though your body is slowed your mind is more active than ever.

That makes me laugh. There could never be a single time when my mind would be slower than my body because quite simply, my body does not move beyond s....l.....o....o...o....w.

I am reincarnated from a tortoise or a statue. I was the kid always picked last to be on any team. I think I am going to pass out if I get up too quickly. I emigrated to America just for the drive through!

There are joggers I see, who make running look attractive. I believe they are hired by sports shops and clubs. They are driven to the park in secret limos and dropped off, just as I pass in my car, still holding my coffee and secret do nut stash.

Everything they wear matches. Their IPOD wires stay connected and do not become entangled and lost in t shirt and hair. Their shorts and socks are the right length, and the plasters on their feet, if any, remain on their heels and do not escape and run up to flap around on the back of their knees.

Their hair, blond, swings in gentle motion - it does not fall and wallop them in their eyes.
They smile and as they pass you, they do the unmentionable, yes they actually speak.
I cannot walk up the stairs and say hi to my cat by the time I reach the top or bottom.

I do on occasion wonder what it is like to run and talk at the same time. The only words I imagine saying would be "help me!"

Favorite food of the day: Coffee Roll
Favorite Song of The Day: Hit Me with Your Best Shot by Pat Benetar


Friday night is frying night

Friday's stars continue along the same positive note with a focus on writing.

Any new project begun at this time Jayne, is likely to succeed, especially if writing, speaking, or other forms of entertainment or creative arts are involved. Don't bother worrying about the specter of possible failure.

I'm certain that there is a Virgo female wrestler out there with an ambition to throw her competitor across the ring. Her muscles are harder than my attempts of baking rock cakes and her knuckles are too thick to hold a pen. So I'm sure the idea of creative arts does not thrill her. For me though, I continue to feel excited.

Though, I admit, Friday evening does not find me sitting at my computer typing Chapter One.

It finds me out on the great mission of buying The Foundation Garment of The Year. Yes, it deserves capital letters as I award it with such importance.

With just one piece of fabric, my body will be turned into a slender, power of beauty, that only my dreams have allowed. This wonderful piece of magic will not only make my appearance look stunning, but it will be comfortable. It will be possible to get on without breaking my false nails and it will be able to be removed EASILY. Oh, and PS, I would like to be able to breathe, walk and eat while wearing it.
Oh and double PS - if once removed, it would be fabulous if my body had shrunk and been convinced not to bounce back to its original shape. Maybe I could be one of those weird sponge type animals that grow when you put them into water - I would of course be in reverse.

So, anyway, at a Thursday night meeting, I bring out my notebook and throw in onto the table. While rummaging in my bag for a pen, I look up to see everyone reading the bright yellow post it note stuck on the front of my book. "Higher Power- SPANX" it politely states.
I go red and pretend in my head that its' some spiritual thing I'm trying.

A colleague had recommended this 9th wonder of the world as the answer to slimming. With Spanx it would seem that I could still have the wedding cake and eat it. I mention this garment to the VIB (Very Important Bride) and she says how she needs one. A child's sock would be all that she needs, but its interesting to see that we all feel we need some extra higher power.

So, Friday night I'm off to find Spanx. I know, I know, this is a sign that I am of an age, when Friday night looking for Spanx does not mean what it could mean.

To cut a fat story thin - I am wandering through the department store wearing very comfortable shoes that look like slippers. These are my driving shoes, meant to be kept in the car. I forgot! Trying to ignore how geriatric I feel, I then find that I have my anxiety fit and can not get on the rollar-coaster that is the escalator going down. I then have to walk through the store and into the jaws of the mall in the bewildering hope of finding an elevator.

The mall on a Friday evening is full of really angry looking people called teen-agers. That's all I see. Many, many young faces with growls for expressions that match their iron work and tattoos. I realize that most of them are frustrated as they try to hold up their baggy pants - obviously in the mall desperately trying to find belts.

Eventually I'm back in the safe arms of the department store after sharing the elevator with three girls and a baby in a pram who I swear looked at me and said "ello, ello".

So now I am in the intimates looking for Spanx. Of course I cannot find them, but I do find things that I'm sure offer the same amount of torture, I mean support that I am looking for.

The store assistant/ambassador is thrilled. She tells me how she tried "Spinx, as she is not at her best at the present." The word best is whispered, though, obviously, it is not a secret.
"Spinx, that's not right," she says.
"Spanx?" I offer.
"That's it! I didn't like it, couldn't get on with it. Gave it to my sister. Someone said they liked this one" and she holds up the black armour I have chosen. "Cheaper as well. This should hold it all in," she sniffs.
I feel so sad and shuffle, embarrassed in my slippers.

She then tries to get me to sign up for a store card, while admitting she got into financial trouble with hers last year, but is getting it sorted now. She then hands over my bag of goodies, and produces a huge frying pan and walks off to "kitchens". She waves the pan in the air telling me to come back with a full report on my new underwear.

The frying pan looks alot like what I have just purchased - so if it doesn't work, I am inspired to fry pancakes on it.

Favorite Food of the Day: Swedish Fish
Favorite Song of the Day: Yellow by Coldplay